Yep, that's right, all of you surly, lazy Blockbuster clerk jerks are gone

What the what the what the, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?


No matter what else dumb-ass crap I may pull in the future, for the rest of my life I can say I wrote the second joke that was on the second "The Jay Leno Show."

Here it is:

This Kanye West/Taylor Swift thing won't go away and the celebrities are coming down hard on Kanye West. Except for Chris Brown who said ; "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you."

Several NFL players have donated their brains to be studied for the effects of concussions. Except for the Detroit players, their brains are going to be examined to see why the hell they played for the Lions.

During their game Sunday against the Cincinnati Reds, a squirrel ran amok in the Chicago Cubs’ dugout. After his contact with the Cubs, the squirrel went acorn hunting and, sadly, went 0 for September.

At the US Open, Serena Williams got a maximum $10,000 fine for an ugly obscene tirade at a linesperson. Tennis insiders imply this is a steroid rage-fueled incident, particularly when Serena screamed; “Kiss my testicles.”

They asked Richard Williams, Serena's, um, enigmatic father where Serena might have learned such unstable behavior, Richard said;

"I have no idea. Unless she learned it from the Blortons when we trans-morphed through Pluto to Flangalatia on the way to Earth. Snert, snert wazkazoo."

Several NFL players have donated their brains to be studied for the effects of concussions. Except for Travis Henry – who has nine children with nine different mothers - Henry was going to donate his brain, but it was in his pants.

Dear Lady who was driving one-mile-an-hour in front of me:

You can either drive or park, you cannot do both at the same time. And you can also refrain from giving me the dirty look you gave me when I passed you going ten miles an hour. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to . . . sorry, I got little Jack Nicholson there for a second.


Mooooooon riverrrrrrrrrr . . .

Ding Dong the Blockbuster Witch is Dead

Have you ever asked where an item is in a huge grocery story? Even if you ask them not to, the clerk stops what they are doing and walks you to the item, even if it all the way across the store. Have you ever asked a Blockbuster clerk what section a movie is in? They don’t even look up and just vaguely point at the racks.

One time, I swear, I asked a Blockbuster clerk if they had a movie and, without looking up from text-messaging on his cell phone, he said;

“I don’t know.”

Blockbuster has always sucked as far as I am concerned. Back when I just bought my first VCR, there is a little video store in our neighborhood owned by this outgoing bearded movie nut who called himself and his store Captain Video. He actually would get dressed up in a Captain Video costume, cape, tights and all.

This guy was hilarious and he would get to know you and your movie tastes and make recommendations of movies you would never think to rent, but he was always right. It was brutal to watch him slowly get strangled out of business by the douche bags at Blockbuster.

Standing in one of the notoriously long and slow lines at Blockbuster, I saw a peeved-looking goth late teen girl Blockbuster clerk slam down the phone and angrily shout to nobody in particular;

"Oh my god, like that lady like asked me what the movie was about. Like, hasn't she even heard of the internet?"

Oh, you mean that thing where you are going to have to get on to find another job?

Ding dong, the Blockbuster witch is dead.