It up and got right hinky on us, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Who knew?
The Secret Service revealed that Sarah Palin’s secret code name is Danali. That is a Greek word that means Tina Fey.

That bad, huh?
Actor Matt Damon said Sarah Palin would be a disastrous vice president. In fact, Damon said Palin would be so horrible that, in order to portray her in a movie, Palin would have to be played by Ben Affleck in drag.

Editors note: Everybody - and that includes out-of-touch rich and spoiled little actors - is entitled to their opinion, and in my opinion actors should keep their uninformed political views to themselves.

The case of the pressed ham under glass
In Nebraska, police are searching for a man who smears Vaseline on his butt and then presses it against store windows. Police have dubbed it the case of the Richard Simmons vandal.

As classy calling symbols go, this isn’t exactly a silver bullet is it?

In Nebraska, police are searching for a man who smears Vaseline on his butt and then presses it against store windows. Authorities believe this is the worst case of a person making an ass of themselves since Rudy Giuliani ran for president.

Who can blame him?
The first witness in the OJ Simpson trial became ill and had to leave. Apparently he became nauseas at the thought of OJ stabbing him to death.

Prune Juice
The OJ Simpson trial is underway in Las Vegas. OJ isn’t getting any younger. Now when he is in a slow-speed Bronco chase, he leaves his left turn signal on.

Double standard much?
John McCain’s crew is calling the Tina Fey portrayal of Sarah Palin on “Saturday Night Live” sexist. However they felt Amy Poehler’s cackling, jealous and spiteful Hillary Clinton? Spot on.

We kid my fellow FF enthusiasts. (Anyone got a good running back for Kerry Collins?)
It is an exciting time for Fantasy Football players, they have to decide who will be their starting six players, who will be traded and whether to call their imaginary girlfriend Sarah or Ms. Palin.


Since you asked:

Sarah Palin is getting both barrels from the press.

First, after her rousing speech at the Republican convention, the press described her as the most attractive, vibrant and exciting politician since Kennedy. Now she is getting lambasted as an unqualified religious nut who loves to kill cute furry animals and who has a grating voice and a flat whiny Midwestern accent, donchyah know there now.

You could practically see Sarah Palin’s shooting star stall the second they opened “Saturday Night Live” with Tina Fey as Sarah Palin. The seven words of “I can see Russia from my house” may have cost McCain the Presidency.

(That skit was as amazing as it was hilarious)

Hillary Clinton supporters are also nothing if not hilarious, albeit not intentionally. One second they are screaming like scalded cats that Hillary lost the election because of vile sexists. The next second they are accusing Sarah Palin of being a pretty, vapid, unqualified hockey mom airhead, which is about as sexist as it gets.

Believe me, I am by no means a huge Sarah Palin fan, I just think a little fairness and perspective are in order. Sarah Palin is a product of Alaska and people in Alaska, in general, as in most red states, fish, hunt, drink beer with shots and go to hard-core Christian churches.

What the blue states media of New York, Chicago and Los Angeles need to know is just because somebody hunts, fishes and waves their arms in the air praising Jesus, that doesn’t necessarily make them dumb, ignorant, crazy and blood thirsty. It may not qualify them to be next in line to be President, but it doesn’t make them dumb, ignorant, crazy and blood thirsty.

In politics perception becomes reality and that reality - whether real or not - becomes a punch line. McCain? Old. Hillary? Scary. Don’t you remember all the fat jokes about Bill Clinton? He had lost the weight for years and they were still being used right until Monica Lewinski dropped to her knees in the Oval office.

One second Dan Quayle was compared to J.F.K., one misspelling of potato later, he is the basis for all stupid jokes that are, at this very second, being dusted off and reused on President Bush.

One second Gerald Ford was a former football great and respected honest congressman thrust into the Presidency, the next he is a stumbling and bumbling oaf thanks to Chevy Chase.

In his first term, Ronald Reagan was the great communicator, by his second term he was the out-of-it and corny old Uncle who repeats the same stories over and over and over and over again.

Why? Because of us nasty, mean-spirited and loathsome comedy writers and comedians; we - and by we I mean me - are too stupid to gather and comprehend a lot of complexities, so we tie politicians to one single trait. Gore? Fat. Bush? Dumb. Palin? Hockey Mom with lipstick.

So forget about this election being about independents, forget about trying to sway the female vote, if you politicians had a brain in your collective thick skulls, you would be sucking up to us comedy writers this very second.

Governor Palin, you can start with me. I’ve been a naughty, naughty comedy writer.

Oh, and how about one of those billion dollar “loans” to each and every comedy writer? What? They’ve been handing them out to everyone else.