Wednesday, September 05, 2007

You gotta want it to win it, and we want it more, you gotta want it to win it so go out and score, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How . . . hot . . . it . . .it?
Man it is hot. I’m sweating like a Fantasy Football Player asking a girl for her phone number.

It is so hot I put up with getting hit on by a gay republican senator in an airport bathroom just for the air conditioning.

It was so hot people bought tickets to see “Evan Almighty” just for the air conditioning.

Not hard to believe
A study reveals that rock stars are two to three times more likely to die a premature death. I believe that, Keith Richards has died a premature death two or three times himself.

Duh dunt dah dunt dah duuuh dunt dah dah dunt dah dah
Hurricane Felix has hit Central America. Hurricane Felix is unusual because it doesn’t destroy your house, it cleans it up.

The Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry has fathered nine children with nine different mothers. In fact, at the opening of their last preseason game, Travis ran out the tunnel past the two rows of cheerleaders and accidentally got three of them pregnant.

Travis went to high school in Florida. Lord knows how many teachers he got pregnant.

That quick
President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq. It was such a surprise, the military spokesperson didn’t have enough time to prepare his list of the latest set backs.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
President Bush will attend the Australia economic summit this week in Sydney. There was an awkward moment when President Bush suggested they bring Arnold Schwarzenegger to Australia as a translator.

Thought it rang a bell
In one of the biggest upsets in college football history, Appalachian State defeated #5 ranked Michigan 34-32 in Michigan. Prior to this the term Appalachian State was when a girl got pregnant by her cousin.

Appalachian State is in Boone South Carolina. This is the most exciting thing that has happened in Boone since deputy Barney Fife almost shot Goober with his only bullet.

Since you up and asked-like:

Sure, we like to kid the Fantasy Football players up in this blizzy, but that just goes to show that what we joke about isn’t always what we think. Myself, I am a huge fan of the Fantasy Football and, thanks to my buddy Ray, I am in a fun league.

Yesterday was our big draft and it started on a bummer as I somehow messed up and failed to save my six keepers from last year’s team. But, thanks to a lot of whining and the technical expertise of my aforementioned buddy, Ray, I was able to keep Peyton “Place” Manning, Chester “The Jester” Taylor, Fred “Those cuffs need a” Taylor, Laveraneous “And Shirley” Coles, Antonio “Heaven’s” Gate and Vince “Forever” Young.

In addition to those studs I picked up some key players including “Wrapped up like a” Deuce McCallister, Muhsin “Take the mountain to” Muhammad, Santonio “There’s no place like” Holmes and Warrick “This steak is” Dunn.

As (knock on wood) Peyton is as reliable at quarterback as Paris Hilton is at skank, I can trade Vince Young “And the restless” for an even better receiver. During the Colts bye week I can pick up some scrub QB bitch from the wire and then dump him like Kate Hudson dumped Owen Wilson. Hell, I picked up Vince Young from waivers when I dumped Rex Grossman mid season.

For those of you rolling your eyes thinking “My word, the only thing sadder than a Fantasy dork is a comedy writing Fantasy dork” let me explain. Fantasy Football is just a lot of fun all by itself, trash talking via e-mail to your opponent owner during the week, negotiating trades, the draft is a blast, making roster moves, placing bets, and then seeing if your team wins.

But in addition to that, it makes virtually every NFL game worth watching and fun when you would normally not give a rat’s tookus about it. Between the 12 players, your six starters and your opponent’s six starters, there probably can’t be a game where one of them isn’t involved. Not only that, but you want to keep an eye on the six players you put on your bench.

So, Slats and Nugsters, there you have it, the gospel of Lex’s Fantasy Football team, Thor’s Thunder, in a shell where there once was a legume of some kind.

So gaze in wonder at the glory that is Thor’s Thunder. Boooooooooooooo Yahhhhhhhhhh.

(Polite golf-like applause)

Spry and fit and boyishly handsome Lex’s sad, sad story of the week:

So there I was, all giddy and primed and pumped and nervous and excited to go Stand Up Paddleboard surfing in some real surf. So I pull up to the state beach parking lot at Cardiff Point and there is a young fellow surfer dude in the parking attendant booth. The sign says “Parking $8.00 Senior Citizen Discount Available”

So I veritably chuckle to my young co-hort, my board brauddah, my fellow gnarly dude;

“Heh, heh, so how much is the Senior discount?” Without batting an eye he says flatly;

“That will be five dollars, sir.”


“I was kidding,” I hissed as I glumly forked over the eight bucks all the while giving this skinny little stoned high school loser a dirty look.

It’s good to know my pride is worth more than three bucks. Not much more, but it is worth three bucks.