Buy me some peanuts and crackerjack, but I do care if I ever come back, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Close call
“American Idol” judge Paula Abdul's broke her nose over the weekend after she fell while trying to avoid stepping on her pet Chihuahua. But don’t worry, the bottle of Vodka didn’t break.
Scary
Did you see the way that big scary beast who terrorized people and ran amok? But enough about Rosie O’Donnell on “The View” Amsterdam had a crazy gorilla escape.
A variation on a classic
In Amsterdam, a gorilla escaped its enclosure and ran amok and assaulted a woman. The woman is going to be fine but she is very upset. She said the gorilla hasn’t called, he hasn’t written, he hasn’t stopped by, nothing.
Yikes
A new study reveals taking Viagra can relieve the symptoms of jet lag; you thought it was annoying on a flight when the guy behind you kicked your seat?
Trade off
Wildlife officials in Alaska want to protect tourists from bear attacks by dying the bears bright colors like pink; the new pink bears won’t maul tourists but they will become vicious gossips.
Get it?
Britney Spears caused a scene on an airplane when she demanded to get off because her first class seat wasn’t leather. Britney wouldn’t sit down because the seat wasn’t leather. This is actually good news for the person who had to sit in that seat after Britney.
Pimped his ride
Ex- Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker Richard Seigler was arrested for being a pimp. He was charged with pandering, living off of a prostitute and the lesser charge of impersonating Oakland Raider owner Al Davis.
Why we should work out today
World Champion adventure racer Danelle Ballengee fell 60ft during a run and shattered her pelvis, nearly dieing of internal bleeding until her dog, Taz, alerted rescuers. 150 days later, Ballengee finished sixth as the only woman in a 60 mile Xstreme race series that included running, mountain biking, kayaking and rope climbing. For three months following the fall, Ballengee trained with two pins in her hip in a wheelchair. Kind of makes me feel bad for not working out today because I was full from eating too much fudge at lunch.
Since you asked:
Going to see the Cubs again at Petco tonight. Second time this week. Got awesome seats from a big shot lawyer friend. (Yes, I write many lawyer jokes but I count several good ones as good friends. One I’ve known since he was three-years-old but I don’t think he was a lawyer then)
Anywho, the Cubs had best square themselves up right and start pooping me Tiffany cufflinks or they will be standing tall before the man. They get swept and I will never hear the end of it from my Padres friends.
A couple years ago, my fellow California transplanted Chicago buddy Ray and I went to a Cubs game to see the Cubbies sweep the Dads. We were in a local watering hole afterwards and a table of drunk Padres fans saw our Cubs finery started chanting “Billy Goat, Billy Goat” for the Cubs curse.
As nice as you please, I walked up to them, pointed under the table and said;
“Guys, it’s filthy under your table, it could use a good SWEEP.”
No way I’m having that joke come back around and hit me.
Close call
“American Idol” judge Paula Abdul's broke her nose over the weekend after she fell while trying to avoid stepping on her pet Chihuahua. But don’t worry, the bottle of Vodka didn’t break.
Scary
Did you see the way that big scary beast who terrorized people and ran amok? But enough about Rosie O’Donnell on “The View” Amsterdam had a crazy gorilla escape.
A variation on a classic
In Amsterdam, a gorilla escaped its enclosure and ran amok and assaulted a woman. The woman is going to be fine but she is very upset. She said the gorilla hasn’t called, he hasn’t written, he hasn’t stopped by, nothing.
Yikes
A new study reveals taking Viagra can relieve the symptoms of jet lag; you thought it was annoying on a flight when the guy behind you kicked your seat?
Trade off
Wildlife officials in Alaska want to protect tourists from bear attacks by dying the bears bright colors like pink; the new pink bears won’t maul tourists but they will become vicious gossips.
Get it?
Britney Spears caused a scene on an airplane when she demanded to get off because her first class seat wasn’t leather. Britney wouldn’t sit down because the seat wasn’t leather. This is actually good news for the person who had to sit in that seat after Britney.
Pimped his ride
Ex- Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker Richard Seigler was arrested for being a pimp. He was charged with pandering, living off of a prostitute and the lesser charge of impersonating Oakland Raider owner Al Davis.
Why we should work out today
World Champion adventure racer Danelle Ballengee fell 60ft during a run and shattered her pelvis, nearly dieing of internal bleeding until her dog, Taz, alerted rescuers. 150 days later, Ballengee finished sixth as the only woman in a 60 mile Xstreme race series that included running, mountain biking, kayaking and rope climbing. For three months following the fall, Ballengee trained with two pins in her hip in a wheelchair. Kind of makes me feel bad for not working out today because I was full from eating too much fudge at lunch.
Since you asked:
Going to see the Cubs again at Petco tonight. Second time this week. Got awesome seats from a big shot lawyer friend. (Yes, I write many lawyer jokes but I count several good ones as good friends. One I’ve known since he was three-years-old but I don’t think he was a lawyer then)
Anywho, the Cubs had best square themselves up right and start pooping me Tiffany cufflinks or they will be standing tall before the man. They get swept and I will never hear the end of it from my Padres friends.
A couple years ago, my fellow California transplanted Chicago buddy Ray and I went to a Cubs game to see the Cubbies sweep the Dads. We were in a local watering hole afterwards and a table of drunk Padres fans saw our Cubs finery started chanting “Billy Goat, Billy Goat” for the Cubs curse.
As nice as you please, I walked up to them, pointed under the table and said;
“Guys, it’s filthy under your table, it could use a good SWEEP.”
No way I’m having that joke come back around and hit me.
posted by Alex at
7:33 AM
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