Tuesday, July 25, 2006

It is hard out here

It was all about the touché back in the day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(In case you are wondering, the opening line is really an encrypted message for operatives working in the Mid East)

How hot is it?
It is so hot today Dick Cheney shot himself in the face with a garden hose.

It is so hot in California, the San Francisco Giants huddled underneath Barry Bonds head for the shade.

It is so hot in Sacramento, California, Arnold Schwarzenegger had to learn how to pronounce dehydration.

The Miss Universe contest was won by Miss Puerto Rico. The Miss Universe pageant was marred by one ugly incident when Miss France head butted Miss Italy.

Man it is hot. Star Jones went to the set of “The View” just to get the cold shoulder from Barbara Walters.

Not good
Daniel Baldwin was in a car crash. He is going to be fine but he totaled the Dominoes delivery truck

Hate to see that
San Diegan Floyd Landis won the Tour De France; this has to drive the French crazy. They finally get rid of Lance Armstrong and another American wins their tour. In fact, the French were so frustrated they head butted an Italian guy.

Rough time
It has been a tough summer for France. They lose the World Cup championship and the Tour De France. In fact, this is the worst summer for France since Euro Disney opened.

Not pretty
Tiger Woods won the British Open. What is the deal with the condition of the grass at the golf course at the British Open? I’ve seen UPS shorts that weren’t as brown.

Tiger Woods only hit one driver during the British Open. In fact Tiger hit less drivers than Lindsay Lohan or Daniel Baldwin.

Tiger Woods shot making was so amazing at the British Open, he was able to actually hit that one patch of green grass.

New record
Oprah continues to announce that she and her friend Gayle King are not gay; three more public denials of not being gay and Oprah will pass the record set by Richard Gere and his gerbil.

For example
Health officials say that there is a good chance that complications will result following stomach stapling surgery. For example, one complication? You can get fired from “The View.”  

American Floyd Landis won the Tour De France. The best part of winning the Tour? You get to nail Sheryl Crowe.  

Not a big hit
The horror movie “Lady In the Water” did not do very well at the box office. The last time people cared less about a lady in the water they were working for FEMA during hurricane Katrina.

Since you asked:

No lie, it is a state of panic here in San Diego. This weather is unprecedented. It is stiflingly hot and muggy. And it has been that way since mid June but this week was nuts.

It reminds me of summers in the Chicago ‘burbs. Dad would proclaim that it was cool at night from the breeze from the lake – a good mile away – and that we didn’t need to turn on the A.C. All night you’d be sweating. Then you’d get up in the morning to find him asleep on the screen porch patio furniture couch in his drawers. (Dad was a tightie whitey guy just to complete the image for you)

The second Dad was showered and dressed in his Brooks Brothers suit and off to his job as an institutional paper supply sales manager, Mom would crank up the A.C. until we could see our breath. No lie, you would come back from playing baseball or going to the beach and when you walked into our solid red brick house with central air, you would get a brain freeze. It was awesome.

My tolerance for heat and misery was totally burned out when I moved from Santa Barbara to New York City. I had the fifth floor studio apartment of a five story walk up. On the other side of my ceiling was the black tar roof. It was like living in a Kenner Easy Bake Oven. Sweat would pour off in rivulets as the fan sucked the moisture from my eyes. When I woke up I couldn’t blink for five minutes.

One particularly pleasant night, in the throes of a really bad cockroach infestation, I couldn’t be certain if the ticklish feeling I had on my torso was my own sweat or a cockroach scampering across me. And I was an institutional bond broker on Wall Street with an expense account.

Now I know you are saying “Oh you poor San Diegans, how can you stand living where the climate is perfect, you freakin’ whimps.”

But that is the point. Because we have such temperate weather, we are spoiled and thus we truly suffer when it is hot and humid. Saturday, just a few miles east of here, it was 115 degrees with 80% humidity. That is brutal no matter where you live. But when you are used to 71 and bone dry, it is enough to make you join a cult as long as they have A.C.