We feelin’ you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Not good
Evander Holyfield lost his New York boxing license because of “diminished skills and poor performance.” In a related story, the Mets could lose their New York baseball license.
That explains it
British police are on the lookout for a man wearing a diaper who has been approaching women and asking to be changed. Apparently Mick Jagger gets a nervous stomach before going on tour.
Say again?
This week the readers of InStyle magazine voted Clay Aiken “America’s sexiest crooner.” I’m sorry, that was the readers of InKyle magazine.
This week the readers of InStyle magazine voted Clay Aiken “America’s sexiest crooner.” And today, the readers of InStyle magazine remarked; “Oh my word, we’re all gay.”
Mean
Prince Charles announced that this fall he and Camilla will be visiting New York City. That’s one way to scare the rats away.
More mean
Prince Charles announced that this fall he and Camilla will be visiting New York City. They will visit the Empire State Building, that is until Camilla gets shot down for climbing up its side.
That would be him
In Europe a woman is filing charges against Mike Tyson, claiming he her hit on the dance floor. It doesn’t look good for Iron Mike, the evidence points to Tyson: the punch didn’t hurt her at all.
Yikes
Paris Hilton has launched her own line of men’s cologne. It is the perfect gift for those few men who wake up not already smelling like Paris Hilton.
Paris Hilton has launched her own line of men’s cologne. I think it’s called: Ode to ‘Ho.
Tough one
The White House has been releasing Supreme Court nominee John Roberts legal writings, and it turns out that Roberts was involved in many of the major debates of the 1980s. For example, which song was better, “99 Red Balloons, “Walk Like an Egyptian” or “Funky Town”?
Also don’t ride Hates Phony Accents
Madonna will be fine, but she suffered some fractures after being tossed by a horse. In retrospect, it wasn’t a good idea for Madonna to try and ride a race horse named Acting Critic.
Madonna hasn’t been riding horses very long, so it looks like she’ll have to go back to what she is used to: letting horses ride her.
That would explain it
Kathy Lee Gifford is returning to TV as a correspondent on “The Insider.” Apparently Kathy Lee’s family wants to spend more time without her.
Since you asked:
So Ann Caroline had the big Under Eight Girls soccer tournament championship on Sunday (they lost a good game 3-0) afternoon and, Sunday morning she was running around the house like a mad girl. Time for a little Fatherly sports advice.
“Ann Caroline, want to know a great tip for sports I learned during the Decathlon? If you want your legs to last longer and feel better and run faster, you have to stay off your feet beforehand as much as you can.”
A while later I walk by her room and I see her jumping up and down on her bed.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Staying off the ground like you said.”
It’s time for a new feature all the good people here at a.L.b.B. like to call:
Lex Has Dear Abby’s Back
DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend exposed her breasts in front of a group of guys at a barbecue. I was very hurt by it and no longer have any respect for her. I can't forgive her for it, and I have broken off the relationship. She thinks I am wrong for feeling this way. What do you think? -- UNFORGIVING IN LOVELAND, COLO.
DEAR UNFORGIVING: Your feelings are your feelings, and you are entitled to them. The girl showed poor judgment. Because you say you no longer respect her, I'd say it's time to find another girl who doesn't flash her headlights.
Lex has Dear Abby’s back:
DEAR UNFORGIVING:
Yes, you were right to break up with her. A girl that wonderful and full of generosity and kindness doesn’t deserve to be saddled with a Nob like you. What the hell is the matter with you, kill joy? Share the wealth, Mountain Boy. That thin air getting to you? You remind of those weasel high school kids who rat on the hot babe teachers who are slamming them like a galley door in a storm. You all should get down on your knees and be thankful. At least she has something to flash. What have you got, Coors breath? Get out of here, you sicken me. Go down to New Orleans and try and throw away all the beads.
And that is how we play Lex Has Dear Abby's Back
(Polite applause)
Since you asked again:
Gotta tell you, the gut-twisting repulsive testimony from the B.T.K. serial killer and Church leader, Denis Rader, is not doing a lot to dissuade my belief that all religious fanatics are psychos. From this monster to suicide bombers, a demented mind can justify any atrocity if it truly believes god is directing them.
Not good
Evander Holyfield lost his New York boxing license because of “diminished skills and poor performance.” In a related story, the Mets could lose their New York baseball license.
That explains it
British police are on the lookout for a man wearing a diaper who has been approaching women and asking to be changed. Apparently Mick Jagger gets a nervous stomach before going on tour.
Say again?
This week the readers of InStyle magazine voted Clay Aiken “America’s sexiest crooner.” I’m sorry, that was the readers of InKyle magazine.
This week the readers of InStyle magazine voted Clay Aiken “America’s sexiest crooner.” And today, the readers of InStyle magazine remarked; “Oh my word, we’re all gay.”
Mean
Prince Charles announced that this fall he and Camilla will be visiting New York City. That’s one way to scare the rats away.
More mean
Prince Charles announced that this fall he and Camilla will be visiting New York City. They will visit the Empire State Building, that is until Camilla gets shot down for climbing up its side.
That would be him
In Europe a woman is filing charges against Mike Tyson, claiming he her hit on the dance floor. It doesn’t look good for Iron Mike, the evidence points to Tyson: the punch didn’t hurt her at all.
Yikes
Paris Hilton has launched her own line of men’s cologne. It is the perfect gift for those few men who wake up not already smelling like Paris Hilton.
Paris Hilton has launched her own line of men’s cologne. I think it’s called: Ode to ‘Ho.
Tough one
The White House has been releasing Supreme Court nominee John Roberts legal writings, and it turns out that Roberts was involved in many of the major debates of the 1980s. For example, which song was better, “99 Red Balloons, “Walk Like an Egyptian” or “Funky Town”?
Also don’t ride Hates Phony Accents
Madonna will be fine, but she suffered some fractures after being tossed by a horse. In retrospect, it wasn’t a good idea for Madonna to try and ride a race horse named Acting Critic.
Madonna hasn’t been riding horses very long, so it looks like she’ll have to go back to what she is used to: letting horses ride her.
That would explain it
Kathy Lee Gifford is returning to TV as a correspondent on “The Insider.” Apparently Kathy Lee’s family wants to spend more time without her.
Since you asked:
So Ann Caroline had the big Under Eight Girls soccer tournament championship on Sunday (they lost a good game 3-0) afternoon and, Sunday morning she was running around the house like a mad girl. Time for a little Fatherly sports advice.
“Ann Caroline, want to know a great tip for sports I learned during the Decathlon? If you want your legs to last longer and feel better and run faster, you have to stay off your feet beforehand as much as you can.”
A while later I walk by her room and I see her jumping up and down on her bed.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Staying off the ground like you said.”
It’s time for a new feature all the good people here at a.L.b.B. like to call:
Lex Has Dear Abby’s Back
DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend exposed her breasts in front of a group of guys at a barbecue. I was very hurt by it and no longer have any respect for her. I can't forgive her for it, and I have broken off the relationship. She thinks I am wrong for feeling this way. What do you think? -- UNFORGIVING IN LOVELAND, COLO.
DEAR UNFORGIVING: Your feelings are your feelings, and you are entitled to them. The girl showed poor judgment. Because you say you no longer respect her, I'd say it's time to find another girl who doesn't flash her headlights.
Lex has Dear Abby’s back:
DEAR UNFORGIVING:
Yes, you were right to break up with her. A girl that wonderful and full of generosity and kindness doesn’t deserve to be saddled with a Nob like you. What the hell is the matter with you, kill joy? Share the wealth, Mountain Boy. That thin air getting to you? You remind of those weasel high school kids who rat on the hot babe teachers who are slamming them like a galley door in a storm. You all should get down on your knees and be thankful. At least she has something to flash. What have you got, Coors breath? Get out of here, you sicken me. Go down to New Orleans and try and throw away all the beads.
And that is how we play Lex Has Dear Abby's Back
(Polite applause)
Since you asked again:
Gotta tell you, the gut-twisting repulsive testimony from the B.T.K. serial killer and Church leader, Denis Rader, is not doing a lot to dissuade my belief that all religious fanatics are psychos. From this monster to suicide bombers, a demented mind can justify any atrocity if it truly believes god is directing them.
posted by Alex at
10:22 AM
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