Thursday, February 21, 2002

Hey Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, I got the inside scoop about the big finale for the Winter Olympic closing ceremonies; remember that little kid skating around with the lantern? He is going to beat up Bob Costas.

Speaking of NBC. "Today Show star" Katie Kouric complained about her job on the air saying it’s hard to go to bed early enough to get up and do the show. Apparently $65 million can’t buy a good alarm clock anymore.If Katie thinks getting paid $65 mil to do a show is a pain in the butt, she better have another colon exam video taped.

‘N Sync’s Lance Bass is in talks to take a Soyuz taxi mission from Russia to the International Space Station in November 2002. You know what you call a boy band member in outer space? A good start.

The trial has begun on the San Francisco killer Dog mauling case. The dogs were put to sleep and the owners are on trial. Personally, I think it should have been the other way around. When the lawyers presented opening remarks in the San Francisco Dog mauling case, the defense got on all fours and started barking. She didn’t look much like a dog, but her resemblance to a lawyer was uncanny.

A lawyer imitating a bloodthirsty killer dog is like a snake imitating a worm. The prosecutor claims the dog owners knew the two dogs were vicious. After all, they named the dogs Mike and Tyson.

Flights out of Louisville International Airport were delayed Tuesday so passengers could be re-screened after a security employee fell asleep. Apparently all that unnecessary woman frisking is very tiring.

I can say this, because I was born in Louisville - and I don't have a sister. The problem of the overly tired Louisville airport guard originated when federal authorities – meaning to encourage him to be courteous - advised the security guard to frisk women like they were his sister. Big mistake in Kentucky.

Maxim magazine surveyed one hundred women on what they hate that men do during sex. Among them was changing speeds too quickly; unresponsive kissing; messy ear kissing; heavy-handed foreplay. But the one thing the one hundred women really hated during sex is when he calls them Hillary by mistake.

And finally.

The U.S.’s Tristan Gale won the gold in the women’s skeleton competition. In fact, it was the fastest any woman has ever ridden a skeleton since, well, Anna Nicole Smith's old husband died.

I am off to Las Vegas. Wish me luck. I will need it. Not because of gambling, but because of the knuckleheads I am driving out there with, excuse my preposition. There are bailbondsmen in my future.