Friday, September 07, 2018

In their first home game since winning the Super Bowl, the Philadelphia Eagles were booed when they were losing to the Falcons at the half. That is the harshest crowd reaction since Marie Antoinette recommended a bakery.

Detroit Tiger broadcasters, Rod Allen and Mario Impemba, are done for the season after getting in an altercation. Nobody was hurt, because, like the 57-83 Tigers, they could not hit anything either.

Since you asked:

Goodbye, Blueberry

When my daughter was ten, she lost her most treasured thing in the world, Blueberry, her light blue plush bunny. Blueberry had been with her every second of every night since she was a baby.

Blueberry smelled like Ann Caroline, which is to say he, or she, I was never sure which, smelled like love. (She, I just found out from my wife, Virginia, Blueberry was a she) 

Somehow, on a soccer trip to a tournament in San Bernardino, Blueberry got lost in our hotel. We checked the room 25 times, I went to the basement and checked the laundry room and all the dirty sheets, I asked the maid four times after enlisting a translator, I ran from the room to the car to the laundry room ten times until I was drenched in sweat.

We retraced each step we took the two days we were there. We retraced each step ten times. 

It wasn't just A.C.'s crying all the way home to San Diego that broke my heart, it was how desperately hard Ann Caroline was trying to be brave and stifle her crying. But the sobs came out anyway in bursts of choked gasps she simply could not swallow. Ann Caroline loved Blueberry with all of her heart. 

As a parent, I felt like an utter failure. You're supposed to be able to shield your child from that much sorrow at that young an age. Or so I thought. 

When we got home, we, her mother and I, had Ann Caroline write a goodbye letter to Blueberry. That night, Ann Caroline cried herself to sleep. Our yellow Labradors, Kasey and Wrigley, paced nervously wanting to comfort her, but they, like me, did not know what to do. 

Even my bad jokes did not work. A.C. would try to smile, but she just couldn't.  

Today my beautiful 20-year-old track star and Dean's List daughter cleaned out her room and took everything to college at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo. 

When I sat alone in her empty room on her bed, suddenly I knew exactly how Ann Caroline felt when she lost Blueberry.

Thursday, September 06, 2018

Woo, woo, here comes the Goose-Moose Express, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Twitter has banned Alex Jones for abuse. “Gosh, I wish I could do that,” said Alex Jones’s penis.

In addition to blaming his wife’s bookkeeping on stealing $250,000 of campaign funds, Rep. Duncan Hunter spent cash on five different extramarital affairs. It will be interesting to see how he blames his wife for this one.

We know the anonymous "NYT" op-ed was not written by Eric Trump because it was not done in Hooked-On-Phonics.

Is it just  me, or has Brett Kavanaugh spent way too much of his time smoking a pipe with a sweater tied around his neck?

"Unhinged," "Fire and Fury," and "Fear." 

"I'll take 'Four words Used when Eric Trump Lights a Campfire,' for $500, Alex."

The NFL season opens up tonight with the Atlanta Falcons at the Philadelphia Eagles. 

It should be exciting, scary and emotional. And besides the National Anthem, the game should be good too.

It turns out Rep. Duncan Hunter spent cash on five extramarital affairs. He thought his wife screwed up their finances before? You just wait, pal.

Twitter has banned Alex Jones for abuse.

"Wait, you can ban someone for abuse?" Asked Alex Jones's liver.

Tuesday, September 04, 2018

There was an awkward moment today when Eric Trump burned his Nikes in protest of the Colin Kaepernick "Just Do It" ad. He got first degree burns on both feet.

A woman slowly poisoned her husband by putting eyedrops in his water. Oddly, he did not see it coming.