Saturday, June 02, 2018

In Oklahoma, a horse named Bofa Deez Nutz won its first race. J.R.'s Math placed second with MIA Melania for the show.

In Oklahoma, a horse named Bofa Deez Nutz won its first race. Placing second was Bigly Covfefe followed by Ambien Rant.

In Oklahoma, a horse named Bofa Deez Nutz won its first race. Placing second was Dick Hurtz followed by Jack Mehoff.

In Oklahoma, a horse named Bofa Deez Nutz won its first race. Placing second was Feckless C-Word followed by Roseanne's Tweet .   

Since you asked:

You can tell a great deal about a person by who is their favorite Beatle.

Paul McCartney. 

This is the most popular because he is probably the most talented. And that is detracting from some of his inexcusable “Wings” digressions. “Silly Little Love Songs” will always rank as bad a song as “Yesterday” was great. John and Paul were just not nearly as good without each other. 

90% of woman say Paul was their favorite because he was the cutest.

John Lennon.

This is the choice of people who claim to be real Beatle experts. This is also the choice of many pseudo-intellectuals. While one of the greatest song writers ever, story after story reveals Lennon was not a good guy and more than a bit of a hypocrite. To his credit, he sang for peace and against materialism. And yet he had a history of domestic violence and lived in the most luxurious building in the world, the Dakota.  

Eric Clapton is honest to a fault about himself and others in his biography, “Clapton,” and he cited several examples of Lennon being an utter asshole to him, the most respected musician in England. Lennon still is the only person who was ever kicked out of the bar at the Troubadour in LA for being rude to the waitress. 

In what Lennon thought was a trick to strengthen his admittedly weak voice, the use of doubling up his vocals on recordings made it sound creepy and robot-like as if it came through cellophane. Think “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.”  

And Lennon's most unforgivable sin: he foisted that human nightmare, Yoko Ono on us.

George Harrison

George is my choice as well as the choice of many musicians. Not to keep dumping on Lennon, but Lennon was a below-average guitarist and vocalist and he and McCartney were, according to Clapton, quite condescending and judgmental of Harrison’s music writing abilities. That is how Harrison was able to make a double album “All Things Must Pass” out of the songs McCartney and Lennon rejected. Harrison asked Clapton to play on “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” so that Paul and John would take it seriously and put it on “The White Album.”   


Ringo is the choice of all drummers and all contrarians. While nowhere near as flashy as a Keith Moon or as strong as Jon Bonham, Ringo is greatly admired for his unique style and personality he brought to the drums. It was when Ringo joined the band that George, Paul and John knew they would eventually hit it big.

Do not have a favorite Beatle because I do not like the Beatles.

Get away from this asshole as fast as you can. 

The only excuse for someone not liking the Beatles is if they’re are diehard hard rock fans and that is a poor excuse. The Beatles were the greatest, but they really were an amped up folk band. Not in the rock category like Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones and the Who. Paul and John were not American blues fans like George Harrison, Eric Clapton, Keith Richards, Pete Townsend and Jimmy Page. John and Paul were die-hard Elvis fans.  

When I was a sophomore in high school, I got the honor to scrimmage in a football practice with two of the greatest athletes who went to my high school, Clay Matthews Jr. and Johnny Castino. 

Clay Matthews Jr. is probably the best defensive player who is not in - and should be in - the Hall of Fame. (His brother, Bruce, is) 

Johnny Castino was the AL Rookie of the Year at third base for the Minnesota Twins and was compared to Brooks Robinson. 

Our 1974 New Trier East varsity football team was ranked second in the state of Illinois at that time and the team that was ranked first in state was their next opponent and our hated rival, Evanston. Whichever team won would be the unanimous first team in the state for the season. (This was two years before Illinois started state playoffs, so they went with rankings) 

Most the high schools in our area split into two due to the baby boom. (My high school, New Trier, split into New Trier East and West. I went to East) In what some considered a shrewd move and others considered shady, Evanston split into four separate schools but maintained one athletic department. This made their athletic draw four times bigger than any other high school, including ours. And Evanston's athletes were far more diverse than the lily-white New Trier East. 

Evanston’s star player was Joe Stewart who was the state Champion at 100 (nee) yards and would later play briefly for the Oakland Raiders. Since I was fast, I was brought up to from the sophomore team to play the role of Joe Stewart for that week of practice for the defense. Even though I was two years younger than the seniors.

With Johnny Castino playing a scrappy tail back with great hands, the rumor was I was going to replace Clay Matthews at fullback. As great as Clay was at linebacker, he was not a great fullback and they wanted to save his considerable energy for defense.

Clay did not appear to like the idea of being replaced by a longhaired sophomore and proceeded to make me his bitch those two days of full contact. And our varsity head football coach - who, out of utter disrespect on my part, will go nameless -  had already taken a dislike  to me and allowed Clay to essentially, but mostly legally, abuse me. 

As it would turn out, the varsity defeated Evanston in a rainy and muddy game - neutralizing Joe Stewart and Evanston’s speed - and were then ranked first in state. So I was not needed to replace Clay Matthews at fullback and went on to score 22 touchdowns for my sophomore team. (Yes, I am working in a little bragging here too)   

Clay played 15 almost injury-free years in the NFL and made it to four Pro Bowls. Clay Matthews Jr. should be in the NFL Hall of Fame. 

While a great player, and, as I said, Co-Rookie of the Year for the American League, Johnny Castino played just five years in the Majors due to his aforementioned bad back.  

At 62, Johnny Castino has had numerous back surgeries and has had both knees replaced. 

At 62, Clay Matthews still runs the conditioning wind sprints with the high school football team he coaches. 

Genetics and luck are fickle mistresses in the world of sports injuries. 

Friday, June 01, 2018

Spread it like peanut butter jelly, do it like I owe you some money, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Howard Cosell:

"Roseanne and Cosby will go down as two of the greatest people in entertainment, isn't that right, OJ and Bruce?" 


“Well, at least we’re tied with them in the series 1-1.”

Cleveland Cavalier J.R. Smith following the game. 

Cleveland lost to the Warriors when, at the end, J.R. Smith did not know the score and dribbled instead of shooting. Turns out Cavaliers is a French word for Art History Major.

We are now in a diplomatic war with Canada. That is like getting in a fist fight with a Walmart greeter.

Kanye West had a listening party for his new album in Wyoming. It was the perfect occasion for all those Wyoming rap fans who love Trump. All seven of them.

Top shows in 1989, "Roseanne" and "The Cosby Show." Just edging out "OJ Simpson: Marriage Counselor" and "Bruce Jenner's Dating Tips."

It is #NationalDonutDay . We need a National Donut Day like Roseanne Barr needs a National Donut Day.

Since you asked:

As great as the documentary on Jane Goodall, “Jane” was, it just about broke my heart. No. It did break my heart. 

One of the chimps was a doting mother named Flo. Flo had a bulbous nose, ragged ears and a heart as big as she was. She had a boy who worshiped her named Flint. Yes, Flint was spoiled, and yes, Flo should have been tougher on him and cut the apron strings. But she didn’t. Flo carried Flint around like he was a baby when he was a teenager. 

One day poor old Flo’s big heart gave out as she was crossing a river and she just died peacefully on the side of the river bank. Flint kept poking her to get her to play with him. Finally, after hours, Flint gave up. 

Flint lost the will to eat and he lost the will to live. And Flint was dead three weeks later.

The exact same thing happened to our poor sweet labrador Wrigley after our beloved labrador Kasey died. Only it took Wrigley an entire year to succumb from grief. 

Wrigley and Kasey, we love you and think about you every day.

Wrigley Telluride Kaseberg, his own self. 

Kasey-Bear right before she passed


My opinion on Samantha Bee is she just made a terrible decision. It was a bad joke and it accomplished the opposite of what she wanted: it made people sympathize with Ivanka Trump. Not an easy thing to do these days.

Something has to be tragically flawed with that show's editing process for someone to even, A, float the idea of saying the C-word and then, B, nobody shooting it down as an incredibly stupid idea. This seems to indicate the star's ego does not have anyone around with a spine. 

In Sam-B’s defense, I do think the C-word is a different when used by a woman on a woman. There is a double-standard. Men cannot say the C-word.

While I am a fan of Samantha Bee and think she is smart, I am not a fan of her show. It boils down to her delivery. Sam-B is so earnest and intense she leans forward at her waist in an “In your face” stance giving me a sense that I want to back away. 

Samantha’s need to get in the viewers face and air her intensity led directly to her horrible choice of the C-word. The B-word would have been just as effective without any problems. 

No doubt ABC did a gutsy thing yanking a top ranked show in "Roseanne," but before we nominate them for the Nobel Peace Prize, let's remember a couple things. 

First, the ratings, while still high, are down 23% and falling. They wanted to attract Trump's followers while still handing out heavy-handed Hollywood liberal morals. You cannot have it both ways.

Second, the brains behind the reboot, Whitney Cummings, bailed a month before Roseanne's rant. Whitney knew the crazy-woman's-smeared-feces writing was on the wall. 

Third, and most importantly, Roseanne Barr was always going to be Roseanne Barr. Expecting lightening to hit that brain-damaged, racist psycho twice was asking way too much. This is a woman who, when left to her own devices, thinks it is a good idea to sing the National Anthem off key and spit on the ground afterward. 

And bake people cookies dressed like Hitler. 

Thursday, May 31, 2018

In South Africa, the world's oldest man, 114-year-old Fredie Blom, wants to quit smoking. Well, not quit completely, he is still going to smoke after sex.

Samantha Bee is under fire for calling Ivanka Trump a "Feckless C*nt." Personally, I would have gone with either Trammeled Clam, Uncouth Snooch or Lackadaisical Boner-Garage. 

Or Moribund Poon-tang. 

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

The artist now blames Ambien for the Brandi Chastain plaque looking like Tom Arnold.

We barkin' like a Mongolian Mongoose, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Roseanne Barr is now blaming her racist tweets on Ambien. Apparently when someone told her to take the high road, she thought they meant blame it on being high.

Roseanne Barr lost her show, re-runs and her agent. To put that in perspective, remember the rabbit snatched by an eagle while in the jaws of a fox? He did not lose his agent.

Starbucks has decided to cancel the launch of their new "Roseanne" Supreme White Vanilla Latte.

The Houston Rockets set an NBA record for missing 27 three-point shots. After the game, four of them missed the door to their bus.

Roseanne Barr tweeted a comparison between Valerie Jarrett and the Muslim Brotherhood and "Planet of the Apes." That is shocking. I  had no idea Roseanne Barr knew what the Muslim Brotherhood was.

In Texas at a Vanilla Ice concert, a fan cartwheeled and fell off the stage but left under her own power. Isn't that amazing? There was a Vanilla Ice concert? And there was a fan?

"Here is all you have to do. Go to a Padres game and sing the National Anthem again only this time on your knee. In blackface." 

- Tom Arnold helping Roseanne Barr spin her image problem.

Just took an Ambien now I have an unholy desire to tweet that my neighbor's labradoodle is a mutt.

Yale beat Duke to win the NCAA title for lacrosse. It was a hard-fought game. At one point, a fight broke about between the player's butlers and chauffeurs.

Yale beat Duke for the NCAA lacrosse championship. The trash talking was brutal;

"Say there, athletic combatant, your proclivity to end a sentence with a preposition is downright obtuse."

ABC is going to replace "Roseanne" with specials like "Paula Deen's Halloween," "Louis C.K.'s Tinder Dates" and "Happy Hour with Bill Cosby."


Kim Kardashian met with Donald Trump at the White House to discuss prison reform. Awkward moment when it became clear Kim thought incarceration was a form of car racing.

Since you asked:

Roseanne Barr proved the problem, once again, is celebrities being too stupid to comment on politics.

It is not liberals, it is not conservatives, it is the uneducated. It is insecurity. It is the uninformed. It is ego needing to be heard without any merit. 

Again, it is not about liberal or conservative. It is about stupid. 

Ben Affleck has an Academy Award for writing a screenplay, “Good Will Hunting.” The problem? Ben didn’t write one word of it, William Goldman did, so people think Ben is smart. And yet Affleck went on “Real Time with Bill Maher” and argued vociferously in defense of ISIS.

Ben Affleck is considered a smart, politically savvy celebrity. Ben Affleck is just plain stupid. 
(See: Phoenix back tattoo. See: "Gigli" ) 

Roseanne Barr had a tragic childhood. She grew up poor and secretly Jewish in Utah and, while she might have been home-schooled, there is no indication she ever went to any school let alone high school.

At 16, Roseanne was hit by a car and suffered a traumatic head injury so severe that it changed her behavior so radically she had to be institutionalized in the Utah State Mental Hospital. While in that Draconian nightmare, at 16, Roseanne had a baby she gave up for adoption.

That is about as tragic as a childhood can be. That is not Roseanne's fault, on the contrary, Roseanne deserves all the credit in the world for becoming successful in spite of all that horror. 

Roseanne Barr has had virtually no education and a serious brain injury and yet, because she had a few good high-pitched, whiny jokes about her slovenly feminine hygiene, she was making $40 mil. a year in 1997. 

Not in anyone's list of top 100 comedians, Roseanne Barr truly won the celebrity lottery. 

So when someone who had a successful show talks about politics, people listen. As a society, we assign so much value to fame and fortune, we clearly attribute to it qualities that are not there, like political astuteness. 

Lest we not forgot, Roseanne Barr is the same person who falsely accused her parents of sexual abuse. When her parents were crestfallen and vehemently denied it, Roseanne admitted, 20 years later, she was lying. (When she retracted that most awful of all lies possible on "Oprah," Roseanne also put the blame on prescription drugs)  

Believe me when I say I am not good at much, but I am a good judge of character. And the character of Roseanne Barr I saw at the La Jolla Comedy Store in 1986, bombing horribly and screaming homophobic obscenities, was fatally damaged, crazy and borderline mentally challenged.

Roseanne Barr has as much qualification to talk about politics as my dog Wally has to talk about quantum physics. 

Maybe less. Roseanne chose to marry Tom Arnold. Wally would not. 

Thomas Friedman, who writes for the liberal “New York Times” but is not aligned with any party, and has views on both sides of the aisle, made a chilling observation. (He is not as much pro democrat as he is anti-Trump) 

And his chilling point was we have not had Donald Trump in a crisis yet.

When we have a president in a crisis who only has two main motivations, A, saving his own ass at everyone’s expense, and, B, lying as much as possible to save his ass, we will really know the horror of the catastrophe that is having, not only no leadership in place, but a person in power whose only concern is his own welfare.

This is a Titanic captain who, as long as he knows he has his own lifeboat, will tell us everything is fine.  

Imagine a Trump in the White House during the Civil War? 

“We have good people on both sides of slavery. Both sides.”

My opinion of Friedman is he is a strong voice of reason in the Middle East. He states things the way they are, not along ideological paths. If one side or the other is wrong, for example Palestine or Israel, he will let you know.  

Thomas Friedman could not stress enough that his only motivation in advising the upcoming elections is to take power away from Donald Trump. 

With Donald Trump viciously attacking not just the media and democrats, but also republicans who do not suck up to him, like Atty. Gen. Jeff Sessions and FBI head, Robert Mueller, but also attacking the institutions themselves, like the FBI and the Justice Department and the CIA, just to save his own ass, people who support Trump will soon have to decide to stay with Trump and go against their own country.  

In fury of losing their virtually only Hollywood figure head, “Roseanne,” conservatives are screaming for a reckoning with the head of Bill Maher for calling Donald Trump an orangutan. (Not the same thing Roseanne did describing an African American as “Planet of the Apes”) 

But here is the deal. Liberals no longer like Bill Maher because he is way too hard on Muslims, as Maher is hard on all religions. 

So liberals, like Ben Affleck, have labeled Maher islamophobic. Liberals will gladly give up Bill Maher. By any rationale definition, Maher is a liberal, but he is not liberal enough for liberals on tolerance of Muslims. 

Just like they labeled liberal standard barer, Al Franken, sexist, liberals keep cannibalizing their own side choosing politically correct ideology over practicality and common sense.  

Meanwhile, the right will take anyone and everyone who even remotely comes close to their views who isn't in jail. Hell, even if they are in jail. 

No matter how smug and principled democrats feel, elections come down to numbers and the democrats keep hemorrhaging numbers. 

While I am undeclared, my default heart will always be with my democratic mom and her well-meaning and hard-working liberal friends at the North Shore Democratic Headquarters in Winnetka in 1975. There I delivered pamphlets, answered phones. 

But when something rings true it usually rings true for a reason, and this rings true:

"If liberals are so f*cking smart how come they lose so goddamn always?"

- "The Newsroom" Will McAvoy (Jeff Daniels)  

Republicans, especially the alt-right, have a well-deserved reputation for, um, a lack of inclusivity. To put it nicely. 

Having said that, the most intolerant, smug, judgmental and most rigid asshole I know is a hard-core liberal.

And he is the shittiest bass player I have ever heard. 

There just isn't much worse than a bald nerd who thinks their poop does not stink.