Thursday, August 17, 2017

A study claims 87% have groomed some or all of their pubic hair. The study was called, “The Carpet Is Being Replaced By A Hardwood Floor.” 

Donald Trump used a press conference about a Neo-Nazi march that resulted in the death of a woman to promote his winery in Charlottesville. “Oh, he’s good,” said Bernie Madoff.

Good news. North Korea has backed-off on its threat to bomb Guam. Apparently, Kim Jong Un was too stunned by Donald Trump’s statements on Charlottesville. 

Lost in the Charlottesville March is the White House appointed Hope Hicks as the communications director. Some say it is the last Hope Trump has.

Monday, August 14, 2017

In Texas, a man was shocked when the prostitute he booked turned out to be his wife. Before he found out the prostitute was his wife, he was going to pay her to let him leave the toilet seat up and ask for directions.

TV ratings so bad for their first home game, the LA Chargers are changing their name to the LA Daenerys’s Dragons.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

A man in Texas was shocked when the prostitute he booked turned out to be his wife. He was even more embarrassed when his credit card was declined.

A Dallas Chipotle closed after diners filmed mice falling from the ceiling. The mice fell into the guacamole so they were charged extra. 

At the IAAF Track World Championships in London, France’s Kevin Mayer won the Decathlon and plopped down on the track in exhaustion with the rest of the athletes right after running the 1500 meters. But in a surprise move, the French Mayer got up and surrendered to the nearest German.

With disturbing news from North Korea to Charlottesville, it is refreshing to know there is one thing on which we can all agree: The Chicago Cubs were robbed by that lousy last strike call against Ben Zobrist. If that was a strike, I can sing like Adele. 


Since you asked:

For Chicago Bear fans eager to label 18-25 rookie Mitch Trubisky as the next savior, here are some Bear QB names of my 50-year Bear-loving experience. Jack Concannon, Bobby Douglass, Bob Avellini, Cade McNown, Josh McCown, Rex Grossman, Kyle Orton and, lately, a  Mc Clown whose name rhymes with Stray Butler. Believe me, I've looked. Not a lot of Joe Montana’s in that group. Let’s take a deep breath. 

The Decathlon is equally beautiful and brutal. 

Trey Hardee had the rough luck of the draw to be around during the time of the greatest decathlete in history, the utterly awesome and yet somehow wildly under-appreciated Ashton Eaton. Even so, Trey won two World Championships and the silver to Eaton’s gold in the London Games. A stellar career by any definition. 

(PS. I will bet a ton of money I don’t have that Eaton makes comeback for the 2020 games) 

But after two years of back injuries, Trey is healthy and Eaton retires. Now, at 33, this is Trey's chance to shine sans Eaton for the first time. After a great first day and poised for a medal at a close 5th, Trey looked pensive at the start of the 110 hurdles, like his back was sore, and he hit a hurdle and fell. 

It was heart breaking especially knowing how much hard training he put into this. 

The body can only take two hours of weight and run training a day, so on top of that time, they also put in three hours of technique work. 

So they work out hard for five hours a day, six days a week.  Typically one hour of conditioning in the morning (distance running and or yoga/stretching)  and three hours of jumping, running, throwing in the afternoon followed by one hour of weight lifting or interval running in the early evening. 

And all of the events you practice require sprinting except for the shot put and discus. (Two-time gold medalist, Daley Thompson bragged he once had three training sessions on Christmas. Like gymnastics, swimming, tennis and golf, the Decathlon is a sport where being OCD is rewarded) 

During the day off the track they watch training videos. 

So what’s the benefit from training five hours a day six days a week? You get to eat and drink as much as you want, right? Hell no. Modern Decathletes eat wildly healthy greens and fruit and steamed chicken and grilled fish with raw vegetables and almost no carbohydrates. No rice, no bread, no pasta. Forget pizza, burritos or cheeseburgers. 

The night or two before an event they get to load up on pasta and Gatorade to carbo-load and hydrate. Yip eee. 

Trey retired today and he faces a stellar career in broadcasting. Especially compared to the NBC stiffs Ato Bolden, who flat out missed a bunch of calls, and the sprinter stiff Manteo Mitchell who did the morning broadcasts who was worse than if they picked some random British fan from the stands. His comments made him a world class champion of the obvious. 

“The Decathletes want to get off to a good start on 100 meters.” 

Really? I thought they want to tank the race so they can come from behind. 

How tough is the Decathlon? The guy who won the World Championships by 200 points still almost lost. (Huh?) France’s Kevin Mayer hit the bar on his third and final attempt at his opening height. One more vibration from the bar and we are saying: Kevin Mayer who? 

How brutal is the Decathlon? Unless you’re an avid fan like me, you’ve never heard of amazing athletes Tom Pappas or Gunnar Nixon. Pappas won the gold in the World Championship in 2003. Nixon set the high school record 8035 (Junior implements) that may never be broken. Neither of them could stay healthy for two seasons in a row. 

One time they interviewed Pappas after the first event, the 100 Meters during the Olympic trials for Greece 2004, and I recognized the look of abject worry and horror on Tom's face. He knew he had fractured his foot, but he was hoping against hope he could still compete on it. An incredibly painful and courageous long jump proved he was wrong. 

Every athlete who has had a bad injury but tried to play on it knows that expression. It is heartbreaking. Like a wounded wolf trying to pretend they're fine so the pack does not eat them. 

How brutal is track? The most gifted athlete I ever witnessed before  my Santa Barbara multi-event pals - besides my fellow New Trier baseball and football superstars respectively, Johnny Castino and Clay Matthews -  was a hurdler, Greg Foster. I competed against Greg in high school in name only. There was no competing against Foster at Proviso High school.

While I was languishing in misery at Long Beach City College with a bad hamstring and a bad back, I would read Foster's exploits at UCLA in the LA Times over donuts and milk with stomach-churning jealousy. Foster was traveling to Oregon, Hawaii and New York while winning everything. He even won the NCAA 200 meters. Me? I got to take a bus to Cerritos City College. 

Greg Foster was such a man among us boys, in high school, he would win the 60 Meters indoor hurdles, a race with five hurdles, against a good field, he would win by two hurdles. He won the NCAA title as a freshman at UCLA. Ten-time National Champion. Three times World Champion. Silver medal in the inter-squad meet that was the watered-down 1984 Olympics. But because he never won a gold medal, all Foster is remembered for is testing positive for performance enhancing drugs in 1990. 

What makes the Decathlon so singularly brutal? No matter how great an athlete someone is, nobody is naturally good at all ten of these events. Bo Jackson did the decathlon once and scored an amazing 6,000 points to set the Georgia High School record. That is still 3,000 points below Ashton Eaton. The shot put and the 1500 meters require polar-opposite skills. 

And demanding that a body hurdle and land in a pit from 15-16 feet up in the air, sometimes missing the pit, is why Decathletes are hurt so much. 

Pole vaulting is a brutally difficult event that requires a sprinters speed, a gymnast's coordination and upper body strength and a cliff-diver's guts. 

Five years ago prior to the London Games, I polled the parents of my daughter’s soccer team. These are all college educated and highly athletic people. Not one single person had heard of Ashton Eaton going into the London Games. 

Watching the World Championships, it is apparent the improved drug detection and improved diet and training has had an obvious slimming impact. Every track event has downsized. Shot putters look like past discus throwers. Discus throwers look like javelin throwers. Javelin throwers look like Decathletes. Decathletes look like 400 meter runners. 

Compare German Decathlete Kurt Bendlin in 1968 to France’s Kevin Mayer today. Both good looking blond dudes, but Bendlin looks like a Jim Brown running back and Mayer looks like a punter. And not an Australian Rules Football punter either.

When he first went to the Munich Olympics in 1972, 6 foot.2 inch 21-year-old Nee Bruce Jenner was a rail-thin 180. In Montreal, it is estimated he was around 210. 30 pounds of pure muscle while running a ludicrous 10 miles a day to keep his weight down. 

Gosh, I (cough) wonder how (cough) Jenner could put on so much muscle? And then, in less than one year, Jenner lost all that weight. That was more telling about steroids than putting the weight on. 

Ashton Eaton has the natural body of the 400 hurdler he was. But when he picks up the shot put, Eaton’s muscles expand around it and he looked like a lean shot put thrower. 

Ashton Eaton was almost too great. He made an impossible event of ten events look easy. It's not. Ask Gunnar Nixon or Tom Pappas. 

From the evidence of the three-time, deep-bruises-inflicted domestic abuse, six-game-suspended Dallas Cowboy, Ezekiel Elliott, is lucky he is not going to jail. In prison, Elliott’s “Feed Me” gesture would not be received well. 

Donald Trump is about to toss Steve Bannon under his well-traveled bus. And he probably deserves it as a leaker and a racist.