Saturday, May 06, 2017

Pitch away from damage, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A tattooed fitness model, David Byer, was arrested in San Diego after police recognized his neck tattoo in a security video of Byers robbing a bank. You know a neck tattoo is a bad career choice when it destroys your career as a bank robber.

A former NFL player, Colt Lyerla, was arrested after escaping from jail, bouncing a check and then over-dosing on drugs. That guy is ready for the really Super-Duper NFL.

Pamela Anderson is imploring people to become vegans. Apparently she ingested too much meat when she dated Tommy Lee.

A Florida dog racing trainer was fired after it was discovered he gave his dogs cocaine. Well, he did not give it to them. They were going to have to pay him back with their winnings. 

Wednesday, May 03, 2017

A marine who lied about getting the Purple Heart was sentenced to over a year in jail. Now would be a good time to mention I was joking about shooting Osama bin Laden. 

That’s fine, I hear prison is full of guys who are sympathetic about guys who lie about being wounded in battle.

Analysts claim Donald Trump has not read his health care plan. Not a banner day for the “Of Course Donald Trump Can Read” club.

Hillary Clinton blamed her campaign loss on FBI’s James Comey and Wikipedia. “Hey, don’t forget us,” said Michigan and Wisconsin. 

The Eagles band is suing a Mexican hotel named Hotel California even though the hotel predates their song by 20 years. Look for the Eagle’s next single: “Life in the Litigious Lane.”

So much for my opening the Witchy Woman Bar and Grill.

James Comey testified to congress. In case you did not notice, James Comey's name is just a D away from being comedy. Just like my high school report cards.

Monday, May 01, 2017

On “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” Kendall Jenner was mad at her father, Caitlyn, for not giving her enough attention while Caitlyn bought Kendall a horse. “Gosh, I hope Kendall is OK,” said a Syrian war orphan.

Cleveland Cavalier fans were delighted Tristan Thomas broke up with Khloe Kardashian avoiding the Kardashian curse. Not to mention the Kardashian clap.

Donald Trump said Andrew Jackson, who died before the Civil War, could have prevented the Civil War. And if Trump had a time machine, he would go back and get baby Adolph Coors.

There’s a video of a single mother of four, Cara Brookins, who built a beautiful five-bedroom house using only YouTube tutorials. It was so inspiring, I almost took out the garbage.

Kelly Rypa has picked Ryan Seacrest as her new co-host on “Live with Kelly and Ryan.” And that is today’s edition of rich white people news.

 It was wild how they introduced Ryan. He ran out in between the gap in Michael Strahan’s front teeth.

Donald Trump said Andrew Jackson, who died before the Civil War, could have prevented the Civil War. Obvious Frederick Douglass jokes to follow en masse. 

Kelly Rypa has picked Ryan Seacrest as her new co-host. Or has she? We don’t know. Yes we do. We’ll find out after this commercial break.

Donald Trump threw a reporter out of the oval office who asked him about the bugging accusations. 

Simon, the world’s biggest bunny, died on a United flight from England to Chicago when they stuck Simon in a freezer. United is now the worst airline in history after Hindenburg Airways.

Kelly Rypa has picked Ryan Seacrest as her new co-host. So it is official. “Live with Kelly and Ryan,” is now the whitest thing on the planet.

Simon, the world’s biggest bunny, died on a United flight when they stuck Simon in a freezer. United is now the worst airline since Hermann Goring was in charge of the Luftwaffe.

Kelly Rypa has picked Ryan Seacrest as her new co-host. Thank goodness. Ryan was down to only about six high-paying jobs.

Tom Harrison raised $33,000 for gorillas by crawling for a week in a gorilla suit to finish the London Marathon. Harrison is known as Mr. Gorilla. To which Rob Gronkowski said, “Stay in your lane, dude.” 

Since you asked:

There seems to be growing evidence that our Commander in Chief, the leader of the free world, the President of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump, cannot read.

It is a fairly well known dirty secret that rich people can buy their way through even top colleges. Although charming and handsome as his father, John F. Kennedy Jr., had severe dyslexia and ADHD. And he got into Brown. (We worked out spotting each other on the bench press at the Downtown Athletic Club weight room a couple times. JFK Jr. was a nice guy, but much closer to the TV character Joey on “Friends” or even Vinny on “Welcome Back Kotter” than his polished public Boston persona. The term lovable New York knucklehead came to my mind. RIP) 

Trump, despite his vast wealth, initially only got into Fordham, a New Jersey college of mediocre academic status, and then transferred to Penn where he was able to sneak (pay his way) into a work study program for real estate. Trump got a college degree by “working” for the family business, not going to classes. (Hell, I graduated from the well-respected UCSB and I spell grammar grammer)

It has been well documented that Trump speaks at a fourth grade level. But that is just talking. That is not reading. We simply do not know what grade level Donald Trump can read. Or if he can. 

Several cast members of “Saturday Night Live,” repeated that Trump refused to read the script. He claimed he did not have the proper glasses. When they offered to make the print larger he demurred. (“SNL” cast member, Pete Davidson, flat out said Donald Trump cannot read)

The statements Trump reads to the press are so short they could easily be memorized, a trick used by people who can’t read to make people think they can read. The guy who ghost-wrote Trump’s book, “The Art of the Deal,” Tony Schwartz, said that Trump did not write so much as a memo. He had no evidence and would not swear that Donald Trump can actually write. 

Schwartz commented he seriously doubts Trump has ever read a book. In his life. Schwartz’s editor confirmed Trump did not actually write one word of the “The Art of the Deal” himself. 

We all know Trump dictates his Tweets to an assistant. Sad!

Congratulations, America. There is a 50-50 chance our president-elect is illiterate. Really sad!

We deserve to know if our president cannot read. If he cannot read he has to resign.