Friday, April 17, 2015

Notre Dame’s Jewel Lloyd was picked #1 in the WNBA draft. That is shocking. That is unbelievable. There is still a WNBA? How is that possible?

Hillary Clinton popped into an Ohio Chipotle unannounced. Hillary then ordered the “Blatant Hispanic Vote Suck-up Burrito.”

Hillary Clinton popped into an Ohio Chipotle unannounced. But her stunt to look normal backfired because Hillary failed to leave a tip in the tip jar. As usual Hillary claimed she left her wallet in her other pantsuit.

I'm not sure it was a good move for Hillary Clinton to go to Chipotle. Chipotle is the Spanish word for Cankles. 

Been a Kris Bryant fan since he was at USD. But his Chicago Cubs debut was rough. 0-4, three strikeouts and a weak ground out to third with runners on. The Polish Army had a better debut in WWII.

Since you asked:

Hillary is so much fun. The woman does not have a genuine bone in her body. When she did give an almost genuine response to a question abut her naked ambition, Hillary launched into her, "I could have been a housewife who stayed home and baked cookies." 

The next day, after housewives wanted to burn her at the stake, she showed up at a press conference with a plate of freshly baked cookies.

That is how stupid Hillary thinks normal people are. 

Hillary is right, we need a woman President. Golda Meir, Margaret Thatcher, Indira Ghandi, Isabel Peron. Women have proven to be great leaders of countries. 

It just won't be Hillary. But I am so glad she is campaigning. As a comedy writer. 

Thursday, April 16, 2015

This picture proves my entire childhood was a cruel lie. Next thing you'll tell me is that Daniel Boone's Cherokee buddy, Mingo, didn't really go to Oxford. 

Britt McHenry is about to find out the hard way that if there is one thing that unites us all in these divisive times, liberal, conservative, rich, poor, white, black, male, female, it is we all hate a snottty rude brat.

Fill your hands you sons of a bitch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ben and Jerry’s announced they are releasing an ice cream burrito. Thank you legal and medical marijuana.

Today is National High Five day. Everyone is getting high fives all day. It’s like being one of those high school boys who has sex with their hot lady teacher.

Kanye West is on the cover of “Time” for their “100 Most Influential People” issue. Asked to comment, “Time” said “Adolf Hitler was on the cover of our “Man of the Year” issue in 1938. So we screw up every 77 years.”

Former New England Patriot, Aaron Hernandez, was found guilty of murder. Prosecutors had Hernandez’s DNA at the murder scene, forensic proof and security video film. Or as the OJ jury calls that evidence: circumstantial.

Jordan Spieth won the Masters last weekend. There is a new term in golf. It’s called a Bruce Jenner. A Bruce Jenner is when you lose two balls before you get it in the hole.

A San Diego local newspaper, “The Carmel Valley News,” announced a meeting for a Schizophrenia Support Group. The meeting is next Thursday at 3:00 PM. No, next Friday at Four PM. Well, I said it is Thursday at 3:00. For the last time, it is Friday at Four.

It is the 150th anniversary of the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. An article in “Mashable” says if Lincoln were shot today, news of his death would spread in seconds. Well, sure, it isn’t every day they shoot a 206-year-old former president.

Former New England Patriot, Aaron Hernandez, was found guilty of murder and sentenced to life in prison, and a headline read: “Hernandez’s Legal Problems Just Beginning.” How can it get worse than life in prison? Are the going to legally make him an Oakland Raider too?

A headline read: “Hernandez’s Legal Problems Just Beginning.” How can it get worse? Will they put in in the cell with OJ Simpson?

Poor ESPN’s Britt McHenry. Apparently ESPN now stands for Especially Snotty Prima-donna Nightmare.

Since you asked:

When I was a kid, we had a-holes. There was the cranky man who hated kids at the Five and Dime store. There was the equally mean and surly Fred of “Fred’s Sporting Goods.”

The Vice Principal in charge of discipline at our elementary school. The football coach and driver’s education teacher in high school who lived next door to us for a few years. The band/trumpet teacher in 6th grade. He was the first one to teach me guys with comb-overs are a-holes.

These people not only were a-holes, they knew they were a-holes. It’s like Mr. Potter on “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

“I’m an old man and most people hate me, but that’s OK, because I hate them so that makes it all even.”

The problem now is we are overrun with a-holes who have no idea they’re a-holes. 

A well-dressed smug a-hole driving a tiny Fiat almost slammed into my daughter’s car door just to pass us going 50 MPH in a 20 MPH zone so he could drop his kid off at Torrey Pines High School ten seconds sooner.

So when an ESPN reporter who is nothing more than blonde dye-job with a microphone pulls a “Do you know who I am?” and berates a parking lot attendant with insults like fat, bad teeth and uneducated, like ESPN’s newly-exposed rude bitch, Britt McHenry, just did, she needs to be hoisted up by ESPN as an example and fired.

Why so hard on the young and pretty Britt McHenry? So what about the idea everyone has a bad day? Brian Williams was caught on camera lying about getting shot down. He also just got suspended.

No. Brian Williams exaggerated a story to make it more interesting on a talk show. I lie like that every day, except they are called jokes. 

You think I am being hard on Britt McHenry because she is a  pretty woman? How about what she said to a fellow working woman? How about if she said what she said to your wife, daughter or mom? 

Sports are important. They represent the best of us and the worst of us. ESPN reports on that. 

Sports represents the track official weasel who disqualified a teenage girl’s Washington State 3,000 meter championship because she had a stud in her ear which he felt violated the “No Jewelry” rule. Even though it was his job to spot it beforehand. Sports represents the girl who placed second but gave the gold medal they gave her to the girl who was unfairly disqualified.

To have a reporter represent ESPN, and get paid by ESPN, to be on public record for being as awful as possible to a woman who was just doing her job is not acceptable.

Yes, we all hate car tow companies. They are criminals. Pirates. But the woman McHenry berated did not tow her car. She was just doing her job.

ESPN cannot allow to pay a woman to represent them on camera who is now on public record for verbally abusing a fellow working woman. ESPN cannot allow a woman who is the face of people who park in fire lanes. 

ESPN cannot stand for the people who run stop signs and give the finger to people who try and slow them down. People who text when they drive. People who loudly yammer on cell phones in crowded places. People who scream at baristas because they got their 10-step coffee order wrong. People who are rude to waiters.

ESPN needs to prove to the untold millions of people like Britt McHenry there are consequences for being a rude brat. 

Britt McHenry should be fired from ESPN for no other reason than she is a multi-arrested cocaine addict who has been charged with sexual assault (rape) numerous times. 

Oh, wait, that is Michael Irvin. 

Monday, April 13, 2015

Hillary Clinton launched her 2016 campaign with a bang. I was shocked at how long and hard she kissed Drake on stage.

21-year-old Jordan Spieth won the Masters with an amazing 18 under. 21. Tiger Woods has hickeys older than Jordan Spieth.

At the Coachella festival in the desert of California, 56-year-old Madonna planted a long open-mouthed kiss on 28-year-old Drake, and Drake did not seem to enjoy it. On the bright side, Madonna continues to hold the world record for most embarrassing mom.