Saturday, September 27, 2014

During the Ryder Cup, broadcaster Sir Nick Faldo criticized Sergio Garcia’s poor 2008 Ryder Cup performance as lousy and said he had a bad attitude. In the polite world of golf, that is the equivalent of saying someone’s mother dated the Oakland Raiders.

 Since you asked:
Just watched an exciting comeback by Florida State against North Carolina State. Impressed by Jameis Winston. He is the only athlete who is such a great athlete he can get his team out of the trouble he caused.
Jameis Winston is a coach’s ulcer waiting to happen. But he was impressively calm and he charged up his teammates on the sideline when they were down big.

High school football players look like college players, college players look like pro players and pro players look like they’re playing in the last exhibition game of the season.

Did you know that, besides the Rock and Chris Hemsworth, all action stars are short people? Well, Arnold isn't short, but he is only six feet tall. 
Stallone, Van Damme, Wahlberg, Downey Jr., Cruise, Damon. Short, short, short, short, short, short.  

Have you ever called a Time Warner help number to get a technician to help you fix a problem? It results in a Kafkaesque labyrinth of options and muzak that ends with you on hold for an hour and then they hang up on you.
Or, you get someone in a hot, crowded sweatshop in Rangoon and you can actually hear flies buzzing with them leafing through the manual as they suggest countless useless non-remedies in broken English ending with;
“Have you been tried to be turning off machine and to be turning so it is to be back on once again?”
Thanks a ton, Apu.
Have you ever called Time Warner to buy something?
“Hello, my name is Todd from M.I.T., how can I help you?”
Part of me is convinced each time I try to record a game on Time Warner, there are two evil technicians at Time Warner who delight in diddling with me.
Evil T.W. Tech Dylan and Evil T.W. Tech Don.
Evil T.W. Tech Dylan:
“Oh, Don, he is trying to change the channel to the game. It’s on 125. Watch this. I’ll mess with his head. When he punches in 125, I just show 1 and 2. Now 2 and 5. Now 1 and 5, but no 2. . Now 125 and, just when he thinks he has it, I throw in another 1.”
 Evil T.W. Tech Don:
“Oh, you’re good, do it ten more times. OK, my turn. He thinks he has recorded the game. Now let me throw the one-second prompt ask to record something else he planned to record, when he’s not looking, and cancel the recording of the big game.”
Evil T.W. Tech Dylan:
“Oh, good, that made him lose the first half hour of the game. Oh, now he is recording it again, but Mr. Smart Guy thinks he can fast- forward through the commercials. OK, fine, fast forward, except, when the game is back on, he can’t stop the fast forward. Oh, I love that.”
Evil T.W. Tech Don:
“OK, he has the game playing again, he added an hour to the recording time, the game is on the line with two minutes to go. When it gets down to one minute to go, I am going to flash; “End of Recording.”
Evil T.W. Tech Dylan:
“You are truly evil, but watch this. Now he is trying to watch the game on real time. OK, he is clicking on 125 again. There is one minute left to go and the game is on the line. Watch, just as the game comes on, I am going to freeze up the screen so he has to reboot.”
Evil T.W. Tech Don:
“That was fun. Now let’s do that other fun thing we Time Warner techs love to do: go down to the animal shelter and adopt a puppy just to bring it back and tell them we don’t like it. The look on their little faces is so precious. ”
Evil T.W. Tech Dylan:

“That sure is fun, but we have that meeting with our overlord, Satan. Remember?”

Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton on baby Charlotte. It will not be easy for Bill to get used to asking women; "Who's your Grandaddy?" 

Friday, September 26, 2014

The number of countries joining the fight against ISIS is growing. Canada sent advisors, Britain agreed to send bombers, and France has baked a cake with a sharply worded message in icing condemning beheading.

Fox’s new show, “Red Band Society” is about a hospital’s pediatric ward and is narrated by a child in a coma. This explains why Fox rejected my show, “Orphans Who Lost Their Puppies.” It was too upbeat.

The iPhone 6 is reportedly bending in hipsters too-tight, skinny jeans. Which is ironic because I always tell hipsters in skinny jeans to get bent.

After several security breaches, the White House is taking drastic steps to keep people out. Today they re-named the White House, the New York Met’s Citi Field.