Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Haters gotta hate, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

An American, Shez Cassim, is imprisoned by the United Arab Emirates for making a comedy video. That is horrible. On the bright side, the cast of “Hangover III” is safe.
A study shows more people, including men, are speaking in Valley-girl-speak; when I heard this I was like, OMG, no whhhayyyy, I’m like that’s all totes amaze-balls gnarly.”
Olive Garden now has a hamburger on their menu; it’s all part of Olive Garden’s plan to include Italian, American and eventually even French food to really suck at.
Rebels in Syria killed and ate a lion from the Damascus Zoo; the lion meat did not agree with them, it gave them a roaring stomach-ache.
79-year-old Charlie Manson is set to marry a 25-year-old woman named Star; if you want to get them a gift, they’re registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond Bat-Poop-Crazy.
The Washington Redskins are 3-10 in the worst division in the NFL and lost their last game to the Kansas City Chiefs 45-10. It is so bad their fans want them to change their name to the Sheboygan Redskins.
Congress has reached a bi-partisan agreement on the budget; there was an awkward moment when they asked Sarah Palin what she thought about the bipartisan agreement and she said she is against bi-partisan agreements as well as all forms of gay marriage.
WestJet Airlines had boarding passengers tell a TV Santa what they wanted for Christmas, and, when they landed, Santa gave them the presents they wished for. It was nice until Spirit Airlines robbed their houses while they were away.
Former New England Patriot and charged murderer, Aaron Hernandez, and Ponzi thief, Bernie Madoff, both said prison life is not bad. In fact, they said prison was not quite as nice as dining at Applebee’s but way nicer than eating at the Olive Garden.

Domestic violence charges by his girlfriend were dropped against rock-climber, Aaron Ralston, whose self-amputated arm was depicted in “127 Hours.” They got in a nasty argument when he called her Coyote ugly.

Random Thoughts

Two standing orders in our house: treat your child like an adult and treat your dog like a child. 

Although I have nothing against them, I am not a fan of the band Wham. But I would love to go to a meeting of a Wham Fan Club. Talk about an object lesson in: It takes all kinds.
Is there an official age where older people just suddenly decide to say; “Eff it, I am no longer looking when I pull out of a parking spot and, when I go for a walk, it is not going to be on the sidewalk, but way out in the street”? I’m guessing 60.
Spain is the new France
Booze. It’s the new booze.
San Diego sunsets have been knocking it out of the park lately.
While doing her homework, my daughter asked me if, when I lived in New York, I had ever seen the Flacherone building. Huh? Never heard of the Flacherone building. Let me see that? Uh, honey, that’s called the Flatiron building.
The other day I set a new personal record for laziness. After surfing, I was so tired, I took a nap. During the nap I dreamt I was so tired I had to take a nap. Got that? I took a nap in my nap. This breaks my previous record when I was single and watching a football game. When the pizza delivery guy came, I told him to come in without even getting up from the couch.
Dear Person whom I am standing behind because it looks like you’re standing in line, but it turns out you’re not standing in line, but you didn’t bother to say anything:
I hate you.
Love, Lex
Dear angry-looking mother pushing that rolling monument to human trash that are those giant shopping carts with the toy car in front of them:
Congratulations. You have, A, managed to block an entire grocery store aisle, B, somehow you have not even been aware you have blocked an entire grocery store aisle, and C, you actually got visibly irritated when asked to move. 
I pity you.
Love Lex
Dear white suburban skateboarder who talks like an inner city gang member;
In these divisive times, when republicans are fighting over who isn’t conservative enough, we can all agree on one thing:
We all hate you. You know what I’m sayin’?
Love Lex
My dog/puppy, Wally, just took a dump in our backyard that is so big it could be seen on Google Earth.  Pride Only A Father Knows
Everybody dance now
How do the peppermint salesmen live after and before December? 
You know the old joke about why don't they make the rest of the plane out of what they make the black box out of? How come the commercials prior to videos never freeze? 

When did the line between pop singers and strippers vanish?

Think I have Touralzhiemers. That is when I go to shout something, but then forget what it is. 

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

A new study reveals Reindeer can catch herpes; another study reveals, no matter how much you hate your job, it is better than the guy who did the study on Reindeer herpes.
There is a cold snap all over the country. It was so cold in Malibu, Bruce Jenner’s face cracked.

Assault charges were dropped against Aaron Ralston, the rock-climbing-guy who self-amputated his arm depicted in the film “127 Hours,” after an altercation with his girlfriend; among the reasons the assault charges were dropped? He was unarmed.

What I love about comedy:

The first and last time I flew Spirit Airlines - yes, the flight was very cheap -  from the second you arrive at the gate until you de-plane at your destination, the Spirit employees are not just nasty, they are angrily attempting to extort money from you. 
When I missed a flight back from Chicago to San Diego because the plane came in from Detroit earlier than expected, and they didn't bother to announce it, the Spirit employee at the gate did not look up from leafing through her magazine when she told me;
"Looks like you're out of luck." 
The only people in the world who hate Spirit Airlines more than the people who fly Spirit Airlines are the people who work at Spirit Airlines. They are the customer service equivelent of the DMV*.
So now, every chance I get, whenever a business is accused of questionable business practices, I write a joke about them not being nearly as bad as Spirit Airlines. At last count, about five have made it on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno." 

*One of my favorite little games with myself is when I go to the DMV. Last time I had to renew my license, I made it a vow to be as funny as I possibly could and crack jokes to every employee you meet along the line. With one exception, the employees at the DMV in San Diego are so hilariously humorless and detached, I was laughing out loud at their non-plussed reactions. Picture me as the Gieco Camel asking the employees what day Wednesday is. 

Monday, December 09, 2013

Hunker-down and shimmy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Dennis Rodman has lauched his own line of vodka; which is like a fire launching it's own line of gasoline.