Friday, August 23, 2013

Fox's sideline reporter, Pam Oliver, took a errant pass right in the face; I haven't seen a woman take a ball to the face like that since Sheryl Crowe dated Lance Armstong. Hey ohhhhhhhhh. 

Wally's default expression is that of an English professor who suddenly realizes the reason his students are laughing isn't because of his clever lecture, but because his fly is open.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Cell phones are the magic wand for detecting douche-bags

There was a guy I used to work with who I stayed friends with mostly through other mutual friends. He was funny and liked to have fun. There was always something about him, though, that didn't click with me, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

Then one day at the Del Mar racetrack, we're having a stock broker reunion, we're all sitting around a table having lunch above the paddock.  (This was fairly early in the cell phone phenomenon) His cellphone rang, he answered it at the table and, without moving an inch or making a gesture of apology,  proceeded to have a loud and protracted conversation right in front of us. 

"Ha, hah, ha, Stan-meister, you dah man. No, no, you dah man. Hah, hah, you're killing me, Stan-meister, no you're a douche bag. Hah, hah, hah. No, you bend over. Hah, hah, hah."

(Picture the a-hole tennis player in "Wedding Crashers" Bradley Cooper calls to investigate Owen and Vince) 

Then it hit me: now I know what it is about this guy that didn't click: the guy is a flaming dick-head. 

Don't you just hate it when:

You call your buddy at his office and describe, in gory detail, your last messy bathroom experience, then he goes and says something stupid like; 

"Alex, you're on speaker phone and I'm in a meeting."

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

My sweet puppy, Wally, just farted and it smelled like a fart from a Yak that ate a rotted Hellhound

Major League Baseball suspended Boston pitcher, Ryan Dempster, five games and gave him a fine for beaning Alex Rodriguez in the back. In addition to the undisclosed fine and the suspension, they also gave Dempster several secretive high-fives.