Friday, March 15, 2013

San Diego Serenade

"Salad is the food my food eats." Ron Swansen

Just put my food in a failure pile and serve it in a sadness bowl*, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

We have a new Pope. And this Pope comes with that extended 90-day Pope warranty.

Don’t you love having a new Pope? He’s got that wonderful new Pope smell.

The TSA has established size requirements for boarding planes with women’s sex toys. There’s small, medium and Michelle Duggar.

Have you seen the TLC show “Long Island Medium”? A Long Island housewife is a medium who can talk to the dead. She is so good, she was actually able to make contact with the head of programing for NBC.

It is believed an ingredient in red wine could make people live to be 140. That’s the good news. The bad news? Kathy Lee Gifford is going to be around for another 80 years.

Ratings for “American Idol” are down as much as 20%. You know what they say; “Beware the Idols of March.”

The TSA has established size requirements for boarding planes with women’s sex toys. This could become very embarrassing for traveling women’s softball teams. “No, really, it’s a bat, I swear.”

Justin Bieber posted on Instagram that he is tired of all the lies in the press about him going to rehab. Fights with the press, passing out on stage, rumors of rehab, it’s like Justin has been eating out of Britney Spears’s KFC bowl.

TSA has established a size limitation for boarding planes with women’s sex toys. You know what? If someone has the guts to try and hijack a plane with a dildo? I say let them have the plane. I’m good with it. 

The Vatican has a great new Pontiff, but our US women’s soccer goalie is out for three months with a broken wrist. So our new Pope is dope, but Hope is on the ropes.   

*The always awesome Patton Oswalt.

Since you asked:

Just saw “There Will Be Blood.”  Whoa. Dark, but good. Daniel Day Lewis is an amazing actor, but it sounded like he was doing a drop-dead John Huston impression for the entire movie.

It was fascinating because I think most people think if I had been around in California just after the turn of the century, I would have been a wealthy oil baron too.

Well, no, you probably wouldn’t and you probably wouldn’t want to be one.

One of the many things about technology that is fascinating is how it has made people now live like only very wealthy people could 40 years ago. Phones in cars, groceries delivered, movies in your home, climate controlled homes, unlimited access to music and information.

Your life now is way, way better than a rich oil magnate in 1925. Clothes, medicine, transportation, sanitation, food, you name it, as much as we love to complain, it is pretty much better now. 

But then they didn’t have Justin Bieber back then, so there’s that. 

Either way, I believe, if we all take a deep look inside in a way that is pure and unfiltered, I truly think we will come to understand Ned Doheny had 'da kine Wahine. 

(Polite, if not somewhat awed, applause) 

The Prima Facie evidence is in: Chevy Chase, along with Jim Belushi, is easily one of the biggest dick-heads in Hollywood, and that is really saying something. 

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Don't fizzy the whizzy up in this here hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(The only blog to have won four and a half J.D. Powers and Associates Awards) 

We have a new Pope. Did you know the Pope gets to choose his name? If I was the new Pope, I would pick the name: Batman Channing Tatum the First.

The most popular choice of Pope names is John, followed by Leo. A distant third? Kanye.

Convicted dog-fighter, Michael Vick, had to cancel his book tour after outrage from dog lovers spread. Vick’s autobiography is titled “Finally Free.” Much better than his first title; “Old Yeller Had it Coming.”

Researches say a “Like” on Facebook can reveal if you’re a gay man; especially if you like Oscar costume parties with a Cher look-alike contest.

Since you asked: 

“Here’s the thing: I hate Justin Bieber.” – Comedian Ben Hoffman on "Conan".


First off, you have the whole Eminem-tiny-little-white-dude-talking-all-tough-thug thing. Secondly, you can tell Justin thinks he is so cute he himself can hardly stand it. And, although he is talented in his affected way, I cannot stand the whole boy-band dance/rap crap.

But I really hate Justin Bieber’s fans. When it comes to not having a sense of humor, Bieliebers may be second only to the French. And Bieber is French Canadian.

And nothing is more fun to make fun of than humorless people because, as they are humorless, they cannot possibly understand the joke.

Here is the thing about humorless people. Sadly, blind people know they cannot see; hearing impaired people know they have trouble hearing. 

Humorless people refuse to believe they are humorless. Humorless people always say;

"Hey, I have a great sense of humor, but . . ." 

Remember, everything before the but is B.S. No, you have no sense of humor. 

Thus humorless people not only don't admit they can't understand humor, they are the harshest and angriest when it comes to criticizing humor. If a joke about something or someone makes someone angry, they are, by definition, humorless about that topic. 

There are topics I am humorless about, mostly because they are tasteless to joke about: animal cruelty, child-abuse, woman-abuse, elderly abuse, jokes at the expense of the handicapped or the Chicago Cubs, etc. But I can admit I am humorless about those topics. 

If you can't take a joke about a skinny little white dancer/singer, you are, by definition, humorless. 

Hoffman Google’d a picture of Bieber sitting in a plane in first class and then uploaded it to Twitter and tweeted that, "OMG, I am sitting next to Justin Bieber on a plane." Needless to say the Bieliebers lost their minds.

Hoffman went on to say on Twitter, that, since the plane was grounded for an hour, Justin said he will answer any questions they give to Hoffman to ask him.

One girl asked Hoffman if Justin liked girls who wear glasses. 

Hoffman replied;

“Uh, sorry, but Justin said he does not like girls who wear glasses.”

One guy asked Hoffman to ask Justin when he is coming to Australia?

Hoffman replied;

“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, but Justin said he hates Australians.”  

ESPN suspends the always-awesome Bill Simmons from Twitter for telling the truth?

That seems like a particularly gutless thing for ESPN to do. Almost Nike-like. 

The Seattle Seahawk prima donna, Richard Sherman, and the sports writer prima donna, Skip Bayless, mutual pee-in-ear session was, as Simmons said, awful and embarrassing for all, including us, the viewers. 

Richard Sherman, we have all hated someone so much we were trembling and on the border of tears, and we get that is how much you hate Skip Bayless. We just don't want our big tough football players trembling and on the border of tears. 

You know how there is now crying in baseball? There really is no quivering/whimpering in football. 

Richard, you tried to state that you are a brilliant Stanford attendee and a world class football player and way, way better in all aspects of humanity than Bayless, but instead you came off as a world class a-hole, which is exactly what you were accusing Bayless of being. Remember the saying we become what we hate? At one point, Richard, you almost pulled off the impossible, making us feel sorry for Skip.  

Skip Bayless, I met you once and you seemed genuinely OK once you dropped your guard when you realized I didn't hate you. 

But the yelling white when everyone else yells black, up when they say down and vice versa is getting old quick. 

Skip, you know how annoying it is when a referee or umpire or official thinks it is their right and duty to completely take over a game with their calls? It is all you can do not to scream:

"Nobody ever paid to watch a ref make calls."

That is how we feel about sports writers. It is not about you, Skip. 

Making movies must be a lot harder than it looks

Just saw "Playing For Keeps." It is filled with everything I like, soccer, it is a comedy. Everyone who is in it I like a great deal. Gerard Butler, Dennis Quaid, Uma Thurmond, Jessica Biel, Katherine Zeta-Jones, Judy Greer.

And the movie couldn't suck more if it had rubber lips. It sucked more than a $75 hooker during Fleet Week. It sucked like a Trenton crack whore who is saving to buy a (OK, we got the idea) 

There is no doubt in my mind that I could hire a camera crew, get about six of my comedian/actor friends together and we could make a better movie than this in one week. 

"Stand Up Guy." A week in the life of a middle-aged stand up comedian and stand up paddle board instructor. 

Gravel-voiced movie promo guy:

"In a woooooorld filled with sorrow and boredom, one man sets out on a heroic mission to spread the gospel of laughter and the joy  that is the burgeoning sport of stand up paddle board surfing."

Cut to: (Me in a Hawaiian shirt and Cubs hat scratching my armpit)

"Uh, it's just me and my buddies telling some jokes and surfing, pretty much. Oh, and I give some killer grilling tips." 

Quick cuts of stand up surfing, comedians performing on stage, a barbecue. 

Gravel-voiced movie promo guy:

"Life, love and living learned on the water, in treacherous surf, on the stage and behind the grill. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll be reborn by this epic saga . . ."

Cut to: (Me, in a Hawaiian shirt and Cubs hat shaking head)

"No, shut scary voice-guy up, there is no crying, just, you know, a few yucks and stuff. OK, go away." 

"Stand Up Guy" coming to theaters near you. 

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Mario Bergoglio is the new Pope. Confused, is it this guy or that guy? 

Is it just me, or is there a resemblance between Albert and Wally? 

Substantive note, I’ll try to incorporate it,* Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Twinkies are coming back. Asked to comment, New Jersey Gov., Chris Christie simply wept with joy.

The California woman zookeeper who was killed by an escaped lion was oblivious to the pending attack because she was on her cell phone at the time. Even gazelles drinking from a brook are smarter than that.

Tell the truth, after hearing she was on her cell phone, how many don’t feel sorry for her any more?

In an NBA game, Chicago Bull’s Nate Robinson wore a pair of Kanye West’s Nike shoes called Air Yeezy 2’s. He didn’t play well, but he did get a Kardashian sister pregnant.

Rumor has it the NFL is asking draft prospects about their sexual preferences. The NFL denies it, but I am not so sure. One prospect’s stock dropped when they found Cold Play, Justin Bieber and Adele on his iPod.

* Hollywood actor-speak to director for; “Shut your pie-hole and let me do my job.”