"Salad is the food my food eats." Ron Swansen

Just put my food in a failure pile and serve it in a sadness bowl*, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

We have a new Pope. And this Pope comes with that extended 90-day Pope warranty.

Don’t you love having a new Pope? He’s got that wonderful new Pope smell.

The TSA has established size requirements for boarding planes with women’s sex toys. There’s small, medium and Michelle Duggar.

Have you seen the TLC show “Long Island Medium”? A Long Island housewife is a medium who can talk to the dead. She is so good, she was actually able to make contact with the head of programing for NBC.

It is believed an ingredient in red wine could make people live to be 140. That’s the good news. The bad news? Kathy Lee Gifford is going to be around for another 80 years.

Ratings for “American Idol” are down as much as 20%. You know what they say; “Beware the Idols of March.”

The TSA has established size requirements for boarding planes with women’s sex toys. This could become very embarrassing for traveling women’s softball teams. “No, really, it’s a bat, I swear.”

Justin Bieber posted on Instagram that he is tired of all the lies in the press about him going to rehab. Fights with the press, passing out on stage, rumors of rehab, it’s like Justin has been eating out of Britney Spears’s KFC bowl.

TSA has established a size limitation for boarding planes with women’s sex toys. You know what? If someone has the guts to try and hijack a plane with a dildo? I say let them have the plane. I’m good with it. 

The Vatican has a great new Pontiff, but our US women’s soccer goalie is out for three months with a broken wrist. So our new Pope is dope, but Hope is on the ropes.   

*The always awesome Patton Oswalt.

Since you asked:

Just saw “There Will Be Blood.”  Whoa. Dark, but good. Daniel Day Lewis is an amazing actor, but it sounded like he was doing a drop-dead John Huston impression for the entire movie.

It was fascinating because I think most people think if I had been around in California just after the turn of the century, I would have been a wealthy oil baron too.

Well, no, you probably wouldn’t and you probably wouldn’t want to be one.

One of the many things about technology that is fascinating is how it has made people now live like only very wealthy people could 40 years ago. Phones in cars, groceries delivered, movies in your home, climate controlled homes, unlimited access to music and information.

Your life now is way, way better than a rich oil magnate in 1925. Clothes, medicine, transportation, sanitation, food, you name it, as much as we love to complain, it is pretty much better now. 

But then they didn’t have Justin Bieber back then, so there’s that. 

Either way, I believe, if we all take a deep look inside in a way that is pure and unfiltered, I truly think we will come to understand Ned Doheny had 'da kine Wahine. 

(Polite, if not somewhat awed, applause) 

The Prima Facie evidence is in: Chevy Chase, along with Jim Belushi, is easily one of the biggest dick-heads in Hollywood, and that is really saying something.