Friday, December 28, 2012

I hate Ted Nugent. Just needed to say that. Not disco hate, but I still hate him. 

Thursday, December 27, 2012

We gonna gaux faux da daux faux shaux, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The New York Jets, putting the Jet in dejection all season long. 

As gorgeous as Keira Knightley is, I can see her as a crazy cat/shopping cart lady in 25 years.

Unlike their last engagement, it looks like 86-year-old-Hef is going to marry 26-year-old Chrystal Harris. This time, Hef didn't get cold feet. His testicles kept them warm. 

Since you asked:

Here is the deal with Mark Sanchez. The Jets want him to be the man. He wants to be the man. They are trying to train him to be the man. 

The problem? He's not the man.

The Comanches had basically only one rule when it came time to pick a tribal leader. Don't pick anyone who wants to be the leader.

Remember that kid in Fifth grade? Good looking, nice enough, nobody disliked him. And he wanted to be class president so bad and yet hardly anybody voted for him. 

That is Sanchez. 

How bad is the season going for the Jets? Rex Ryan is so depressed, he asked his wife to put some shoes on. 

Guy 1: 

"Dude, that guy is really smart."

Guy 2:

"How do you know, because he doesn't call everybody dude?"

Guy 1:

"No, because he crushed me at Words With Friends."

Guy 2: 

"Like that means anything . . ."

Guy 1:

"The dude only used nautical words." 

Now, I don’t claim to be some kind of Hollywood insider, but I do write comedy, sort of, and I have read a few of William Goldman’s books to get a feel for it.

Here is what I know about what happened with “Trouble With the Curve.”

Guy goes to studio with the coup of casting icon Clint Eastwood with true talents Justin Timberlake and Amy Adams. He pitches an idea for a “Gran Torino” without guns meets “On Golden Pond” meets “Money Ball” in reverse.

Estranged father- daughter fall back in love with each other and baseball and the nice guy gets the girl and the bad guy gets fired.

They pick beautiful towns in North Carolina to film it. The problem? Oh, crap, we forgot to write a script.

No problem, we’ll hire Joe Words guy there to fire one off. Joe Words guy downs about ten Red Bulls and cranks out on his too-hip-for-Apple lap top.

“Dad, you messed me up.”

“But, daughter, I didn’t mean to mess you up.”

“But you did.”

“OK, I am sorry.”

“That isn’t good enough.”

“So what can I do?”

“I don’t know, so for now I am going to run out of the scene crying while you look stern and upset.”

“Got it.”

Repeat, then repeat it again, then, oh, hell, repeat it until you want to go get a baseball bat and beat yourself in the head with it.

Oh, and union rules demand we have a “Get half-naked and jump in the lake” scene.

Got a great Hollywood dirt story. 

Cannot vouch 100% for the source, but it is a pretty good story, and I hope it is true.

Big time Hollywood movie star and his assistant emerge in San Diego Mission Bay Surf Shop owned by a friend of a friend. Now this is a real Hollywood big shot whose name I will not reveal, but it rhymes with Sean Penn, oops. Heh, heh. My bad.

On the one hand, this surf shop owner is no fool. He knows what a boon for business it could be to sell a board to “Fast Times at Ridgemont High’s’” very own Jeff Spicoli.  

On the other hand, the store owner is former big-time surfer and well-known board shaper who has been around enough Hollywood types to know it is best to just treat stars as regular folks. So he walks up to Mr. Penn, extends his hand and asks how he can help without calling him Mr. Penn by name.

Penn ignores the outreached hand, turns to his assistant and says;

“Tell him not to talk to me directly again, only to you.”

The personal assistant parrots Mr. Penn’s demand not to be spoken to. The surf shop owner, picture a slightly older Laird Hamilton in both size and manner, shakes the hand of the assistant and says;

“Oh, sure, no, I understand. Now do me a favor. Tell this A-hole to get the eff out of my store before I kick his little ass.”

Mr. Penn’s attitude must have changed faster than Spicoli could order a pizza in class,  because there is a picture if Penn on the shop wall and he is smiling-that Spicoli-stoned-to-the-bejebas smile, giving the Shaka-sign and buying about ten boards.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

To my British friends, Happy Boxing Day

Doctors have a new term called Dystextia, that is when someone sends a garbled text when they’re having a stroke.  Don’t confuse this with diarr-text-hea, that is when you text a whole lot of crap. 

Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Christmas From Wally and Ann Caroline and All the Kasebergs
What do we want? A cure for Tourette Syndrome. When do we want it? F*ck!

- Caprice Crane on Twitter

This just in: New York Jets QB, Mark Sanchez's passer rating, 32.6, is lower than our Goldendoodle puppy, Wally's. On the one hand, Wally cannot actually grip or throw a football. On the other hand, Wally did not throw four interceptions." 

Blame Laird if you have a nice Holiday

A biographer estimates Mick Jagger has slept with 4,000 women. Or as Warren Beatty calls that: celibate. 

Congrats to Rolling Stone, Ronnie Wood, 65, for marrying his fiance, 34-year-old Sarah Humphries. Rumor has it she is pregnant with their first child: Viagra. 

Since you asked: 
Finally, my last ever Fantasy Football season is over. Goodbye to Thor's Thunder. Used to be fun, but unannounced injuries - thanks Chargers and Nate Keading - parity, bush-league substitute refs blowing the first few weeks, pass-happy offenses spreading the wealth six ways, free agency and no need for a running game has turned the NFL into a total crap shoot. 

1-8 team crushing a 8-1 team. "Sure thing Super Bowl team", Forty Niners, getting blown out. How many games in a row have the Giants lost? And they are still in the playoff hunt. Impossible to watch games because of the endless commercials. This year put the ironic Good in Roger Goodell.

That and a league commissioner who is harder to communicate with than Arnold Schwarzenegger on a drunken Schnapps binge. Getting a straight answer out of him is like getting an honest politician in Congress. 

Goodbye and good riddance First Friday Fantasy Football.  

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Got this amazing early Christmas present. It is a Chicago Cubs batting practice hat. Isn't that shocking? The Cubs take batting practice? 

Last week the Dallas Cowboys had manslaughter-charged, drunk-driver, Josh Brent, on the sidelines. Who did they have roaming around this week? OJ Simpson or Casey Anthony?