Friday, June 01, 2012

Attention: I used to call my beloved Kasey, Monkey Pants. I now call my beloved Wrigley, Moose Boots. This information is on a need-to-know basis. That is all. 

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Led Zeppelin-Hots On For Nowhere

Wrap a flag around you and do it for your country*

Don't effin' or be messin' wit da man wit' no eyes, Luke, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hey. It's been days since anybody ate a homeless guy's face, slept with their teacher or stabbed their mother over drugs. Keep up the good work, Florida, and you'll catch West Virginia in no time. 

Since you asked:
 *To be blunt, Lolo Jones's virginity really stumps me. Not just because she is so hot and incredibly fit. 

Having experienced a track training environment, it is almost a miracle she hasn't - as the kids say - hooked up with a fellow track athlete. Especially a pole vaulter, no pun intended. OK, a little intended.

On the track there are like-minded young people with incredible half-naked bodies, you spend time warming up, telling jokes, stretching, in the weight room, in the training room naked and in the whirlpool, you take steam baths together and have boozy parties. 

Let me tell you from experience, there is nothing hornier in the world than a rock-hard, amazingly fit twenty-something track athlete. Your heart pumps more blood more efficiently and the hormones are surging out the roof. You are a sexual time-bomb ready to go off at a moment's notice. 

And besides that, Lolo is a hurdler. Hurdler's are not known for their ability to keep their legs together.


Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Did you see the latest “Game of Thrones” episode? The little guy won the battle, he lost the battle, he won the battle, he lost the battle. Who was in charge? Mitt Romney? 

That earthquake in Italy was so strong, it actually knocked some Italians inside of a "Olive Garden" restaurant. 

Monday, May 28, 2012


George Harrison-Give Me Love (Give Me Peace On Earth)

George Harrison-Give Me Love (Give Me Peace On Earth)

Give me love, give me love, give me peace on earth, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Much love to service people past and present) 

After eight seasons, A&E cancelled “Dog the Bounty Hunter.” It’s sad. They said they were going to send Dog the Bounty Hunter to live on a farm, but I think they’re really putting him to sleep.

They were going to sign Dog for one more season, but then that would be seven seasons in Dog The Bounty Hunter years.

It is Fleet Week in New York City. Busy time for the Times Square hookers, they have to service the sailors and the Secret Service Agents.
California is $18 billion in debt; to raise some cash in Hollywood, the State is now charging $500 to break actor’s dreams.

The State is now going to charge Prius driver’s $250 per snotty attitude.

Studies indicate updating your Facebook status can lead to narcissism. Now, I can’t believe that. The other day as I was Google’ing my name while counting my Twitter followers and the hits on my blog and changing my Facebook picture, I thought, wow, I really am a giver.
“American Idol” has a big impact. Remember the guy with the faux-hawk, Sanjaya? Before “American Idol” I thought Sanjaya was a condition naked women got at the beach.

Since you asked:

What a week. Went up to indescribably beautiful Santa Barbara for a reason that is too powerfully emotional to describe. Then on Saturday it was up to Cerritos/Anaheim for my daughter’s soccer team for a tournament.

On Sunday we had a game at Long Beach City College, where I spent my first year of – for lack of a lesser word – college. 35 years later and the memories poured in like seawater over the gunwales of the Titanic.

My memories of Long Beach are not good. Air pollution, fast-food dives, vapid stoners, hitchhiking, a broken heart and a torn back. On the sideline of the soccer field my daughter was about to play is exactly where the track used to be. Right next to the hanger where Boeing used to roll out their shiny almost-finished jets. 

There is no telling how many hours I spent there trying to rebuild an ultimately and sadly futile gold medal decathlon dream on the shaky foundation of a torn hamstring and a wrenched back.

We drove right past the street where my studio apartment used to be. A horseshoe-shaped two-story stucco rotten-meat- stench nightmare filled with fried-chicken-skinned old people waiting to die. While describing my studio apartment experience to one of the moms, I heard myself say;

“If it was possible to die of loneliness, I would have.”