Saturday, July 02, 2011

People in New Jersey are reporting seeing a baboon wandering about; turns out it is just Snooki's big orange butt.

Huge lizards are on the rampage in Florida. They want to put away that cold-blooded, blood-sucking inhuman lizard before it can hurt anyone again. Oh, no, sorry, that is the murder trial of Casey Anthony.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Plus this

Equals this
Too soon to ask for her number?

In sad news, Tea Leoni and Dave Duchovny are getting divorced despite his seeking treatment for sexual addiction. If he was serious about beating sexual addiction, he should have worked at Radio Shack. The incidences of sexual addicts working at Radio Shack is amazingly low.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

This just in: The US women's team defeated North Korea in the first round of the World Cup. That North Korean team is tough, if you dog it, they'll eat you up.
Introducing Princess "Lefty" McScram

Appreciate the note, I’ll try and incorporate it*, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Former Ill. Gov. Rod Blagojevich was found guilty of 17 counts against him, including the lesser charge of using his last name as an eye chart.

A Miami man has invented a condom with handles for easier use. He got the idea from the handles on trash bags. Finally, I don’t have to use trash bags for condoms anymore.

Republican candidate, Michelle Bachman referenced John Wayne the actor being from Waterloo, Iowa, when it was John Wayne Gacy, the serial killer. Has Michelle been eating off of Sara Palin’s plate again?

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced he is not a fan of gay marriage. To which gay men replied, “Darn. And to think I wanted to marry that obese male version of Snooki.”

Former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsmen is running for President. I like that Jon Huntsman, he looks like the guy playing the banjo in the Viva Viagra band.

Charlie Sheen is officially goddessless. Natalie Kenly is the second goddess to shine on the Sheen. Gosh, if there was only some service Charlie could use that provides men with money attractive women for sex.

The US women defeated North Korea, 2-0 in their first World Cup match. Playing North Korea is tricky, they are aggressive. In other words, you can't dog it or they'll eat you up.

* How Hollywood actors tell directors to keep their tips to themselves.

Since you asked:

Had re-heated turkey meatloaf and coffee for lunch. Felt like I was in that sleazy Chicago diner in "The Sting."

"Look, see, we grifters got a mark and the dicks (detectives) are taking their end without a beef, so everything is jake, ya follah? "

Monday, June 27, 2011

Now that is what I call a war face, Callista Gingrich.

This just in: Former Ill. Gov. Rod Blagojevich guilty on 17 counts. Interestingly, Blagojevich is a Serbian name that means: Prison shower bitch.

In addition to the 17 guilty charges, police issued Rod Blagojevich a missing forehead report.

In case you didn't already know, owner of the Los Angeles Credit Dodgers, Frank McCourt, and former investor, Bernie Madoff are living proof that, just because someone appears to be wealthy, that doesn't mean they aren't a steaming pile of fetid iguana poop.

Under the watchful eye of owner, Frank McCourt, the Los Angeles Credit Dodgers have developed into a team with such style and class they allow a visiting team's fan - who is a father of young children - to be beaten into a coma by roving gang members without anyone, police, security or Dodger fan witnesses, intervening.

A message to Jack White: Dude, seriously I don't care if she is your sister, I don't care if she is your wife. And, in a West Virginia way, I don't care if she is both. What I want to know is: why the hell is she your drummer? Having that chick drum for Jack White is like having Michael Moore pose for "GQ."

Since you asked:

Broke a rib SUP surfing on Tuesday. Classic case of wave meets board, board meets Lex. This same rib has been broken many times. It has gotten like a nose or collarbone that has been broken many times. Very easy to break. Problem is, each time it still hurts like the first time.

So how do you treat a broken rib? The same way you deal with Fran Drescher's voice. There is nothing you can do except suffer.

Did you know that Fran Drescher and Ray Ramano went to the same high school? If I transferred there I would have been thrown into a speech therapy class.

Ray: "Say; "I sawer (saw) a duuhwaaaaarrg" (dog)

Lex: I saw a dog.

Fran: "Ohhh my gawwwweerrred (god). He's waheetwraaaahded (retarded) ." Followed by nasal honking laugh.

Why can't we have a place in Carmel Valley like The Brick?

Te salud, Don Corleone, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Duke and Duchess William and Kate greeted the British military. I would be worried if I were William, I hope they weren’t talking about the Marines when they said Kate was wonderful to the Corp.

As the Tour De France draws near, America hopefuls have emerged. There is that one guy who is probably on steroids, that other guy who will test positive for performance enhancing drugs and that third guy who is most likely blood-doping.

In the Gold Cup at the Rose Bowl, the United States scored the first two goals, but Mexico came back to win 4-2. It was a thrilling game for the 93,000 fans, several dozens of which were actually cheering for the United States.

Los Angeles Laker Ron Artest is changing his name to Metta World Peace. Sure, Artest changes his name, Anthony Weiner, Barney Frank, Dick Swett and Andy Dick keep theirs.

A Harvard study says its possible to laugh so hard you can pass out and possibly die; that is why we at a.L.B.B. always put safety first and take a little off of our jokes just to be safe.

In Stamford, Conn. a woman fought off a sexual assault by biting off a big chunk of his tongue when he kissed her. Lucky for this guy he was a firm believer in foreplay.

A fired IT guy inserted porn into his boss’ PowerPoint presentation before a speech. You wouldn’t believe what picture popped up when he was talking about the company’s titular CEO.

More details emerging on how Boston mob boss, James “Whitey” Bulger was able to elude the FBI for 16 years before being arrested in Santa Monica. His smartest hiding move? He got a role on a prime time sitcom on NBC. He knew nobody would see him there.

Rumor has Prince Harry dating Pippa Middleton, sister of Kate Middleton who is married to Harry’s brother, William. Harry’s father is said to be James Hewitt who had an affair with Harry and William’s mother, Diana. Well so much for the insinuation of inbreeding in the royal family.

Since you asked:

My next door neighbors, Mike and Nancy, are the nicest people in the world. And their two sons, Matt and Ross, are possibly the two coolest guys in the world. Great looking, great athletes, smart, there are so few of us.

That's why I get such a kick out of asking Matt and Ross what they're up to. The answer is always flying to Tahiti to film a surf movie or attending a charity for some environmental group.

One day, a few years ago, when I asked Ross what he is doing, he smiled and said;

"OK, remember you asked so you can't say I was bragging. I am going to the MTV Music Video awards as Jack Johnson's guest along with Laird Hamilton and his wife, model, Gabby Reese, and I am escorting Rebecca Romaijn" (recently un-Stamos'd)

"Yeah, I'm kinda doing the same thing," I said, "if cleaning dog poop in the bag yard is considered the same thing."

Who said life was fair? Not I, said the friggin' duck.