Friday, January 28, 2011

Pants on the ground, pants on the ground, lookin' like a fool wit your pants on the ground, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Taco Bell is being sued for not having enough beef in their beef tacos. What is the meat in their tacos? Let’s just say it was no accident their spokesperson was a chihuahua.

“Jersey Shore” Snooki’s book is on the New York Times Best Seller list. In a related story, the New York Times Best Seller List just caught a sexually transmitted disease.

Blockbuster has filed for an extension to declare bankruptcy and the Post Office will close 2,500 branches. Maybe treating customers with the same rude contempt prison guards treat felons isn’t the best way to go.

“Jersey Shore” Snooki’s book is on the New York Times Best Seller list. For the first time, the New York Times Best Seller list had to take a long, hot, Silkwood shower.

There is a grand piano on a sand bar in a Miami bay. The odd part? The piano is nowhere near the Florida keys.

MTV announced the cast of “Jersey Shore” will go to Italy for season 4. Preparations are underway, Italy is attempting to make a giant boot-shaped condom that will fit over the entire country.

Several of the cast members are going to try and learn to speak Italian, right after they learn to speak English.

In Italian, the Situation is La Situazione. Snookie is Snookione, which, loosely translated, means: brick-colored prostitute who gets paid in Jello shots.

When asked if they would go to the Coliseum, the Pantheon and the Vatican, Mike “The Situation” said, “Yo, we’re gonna hit all the nightclubs.

Taco Bell is being sued for not having enough beef in their beef tacos. Let me tell you something, going to Taco Bell for beef is like going to Radio Shack to buy a shack.

An Arizona restaurant has cancelled plans to offer lion meat tacos. And they should, no lion should go into a taco. Cat meat should stay where it belongs: in Chinese food.

The New York Yankees signed 37-year-old right handed pitcher, Bartolo Colon. In a related story, eating too many Taco Bell phony-beef tacos can give you a serious case of Bartolo Colon.

“Jersey Shore” Snooki’s book is on the New York Times Best Sellers list. In a related story, Ernest Hemingway just shot himself again.

The Farmers Insurance Open is this weekend and last year’s winner, Ben Crane, is a charming, light-hearted and funny devoted family man. In other words, pretty much the anti-Tiger Woods.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Dear Jimmy Buffett:

So glad to hear you're going to be OK. Make a mental note: Do not, ever, try to surf a crowd of 50-year-olds again.

"Oh, sorry, Jimmy, but my back is out."

In this SI Classic from 1990, a writer relives the - 10.24.94 - SI Vault

Just saw "Secretariat." Wow. Confirms my opinion that Big Red was one of the greatest athletes of all time. A lovable, sweet, kind clown off the track, he would grab a rake in his mouth and do a dead-on impersonation of someone raking his stall. Once he nabbed Nack's notebook and refused to give it back until his trainer fussed at him and Red dropped it like a scolded child.

But once he stepped on the track, Secretariat instantly became an ethereal combination of power, beauty, heart, art, style, class, bravery and speed. Sheer speed.

At a time of, in fairly rapid succession, the Kennedys and King assassinations, Vietnam, Watergate and polyester, "Secretariat" brought back fond memories of an un-fond time. He was this bright, shining star who, unlike our other human bright shining stars at the time, my idols, didn't drink too much (Mantle), did not overstay his welcome until he became an embarrassment (Mays) did not get hurt and break my heart (Sayers) did not convert to being a surly Islamic convert (Ali) nor did he throw women off balconies for giggles. (Brown)

For a time we got a glimpse at a piece of heaven that was named Secretariat.

To give you an idea how much impact Secretariat had on me: he almost made forget how much Karen Dean broke my heart. Almost.

Damn you, Karen Dean. Damn you and your pouty lips and their feint whiff of strawberry lip gloss, your piercing "I've been a naughty girl" green eyes and your soft, soft flaxen hair.

Got to read this by William Nack:

In this SI Classic from 1990, a writer relives the - 10.24.94 - SI Vault

Ben Crane - On Working Out

I'm speaking to you, as we speak, from the now in the middle of the now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Slatteens and Nuggliefies, introducing last year's Farmers Insurance Open winner, Ben Crane. He is a hilarious and modest devoted family man. Or as I call him, the antidote for Tiger Woods.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Congratulations to Jesse James and Kat Von D's engagement. If you want to get the happy couple a gift, they're registered at Bed, Bath and Bactine.

Very excited about the State of the Union's speech changes in protocol. Not only will democrats be sitting with republicans, but the introduction will be done by a golden-voiced drifter.

For whatever reasons - my lack of credibility among them - nobody believes me when I say there are some bat-poop, port-o-potty-rat crazy moms around here. Check this out: