Friday, January 14, 2011

Lex Attempts to coin a phrase:

Not sure how these things work, like who who names streets? But I want to try and coin a phrase:

Fabrezing the bowling shoes. To perform mindless, yet necessary tasks.

"So what are you doing?"

"Answering e-mails and texts. You know, Fabrezing the bowling shoes."

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Look out, everybody, 'cause it's another surfin' daaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwg

I can see clearly now, the rain has gone, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Seven-Eleven has their own brand of wine. It fits nicely into Seven-Eleven’s own brand of brown paper bag.

I think the Seven-Eleven winery is: Estates of Depression.

MySpace announced it is cutting its global staff. The worst part? The MySpace global staff found out about it on facebook.

Sadly, Sylvia Bursztyn, the woman who made the L.A. Times crossword puzzle, passed away at 62. She died of complications of a twelve-letter-word for infected small organ in the abdomen.

“Jersey Shore” Snooki has written a book where she says she is not a role model. That’s right, she is not a role model, she’s a troll model.

A study claims people are more likely to remember their first kiss than when they lost their virginity. However, Charlie Sheen only remembers when he lost his virginity, primarily because the hooker wouldn’t kiss him.

A study claims people are more likely to remember their first kiss than when they lost their virginity, but a lot of teenage Florida boys remember both: it was when their teacher asked them to stay after school.

Director Ivan Reitman announced plans are underway for “Ghostbusters III.” “Wow, this is terribly exciting news;” said the year 1986.

A study claims people are more likely to remember their first kiss than when they lost their virginity. For folks in West Virginia it’s easier, they just have to recall which family reunion it was.

Seven-Eleven has their own brand of wine. It’s bold, yet palatable with a subtle hint of suicidal tendencies.

How about that Matthews NFL family? The Grandfather, Clay Matthews, his two sons, Bruce and Clay Jr. and their sons Clay the III and Kevin all played or play in the NFL with two more coming to the NFL from college. This amazing success helps relieve the recent tragedy of the family Thanksgiving touch football game where eleven in-laws had to be hospitalized.

Since you asked:

The awesome Julie Bowen’s Claire in “Modern Family.”

“She’s opening her jaw, it’s a sign of OCD. I’ve read like 200 articles about it.”

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Beware of the Doghouse- Hilarious!

Here are the ying and yang doggies, Kasey in front, Wrigley in back.

Tonight’s episode is: The Juiced-up Guido Gets Played, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Jersey Shore” Snooki has written a book. Or as Snooki’s fans call a book: that paper thingie that like totally like isn’t a TV show.

More birds falling from the sky, this time it’s the Oregon Ducks. Congratulations to Auburn winning the BCS Championship over Oregon. That’s the difference between football and golf, in football a Tiger can still win something.

Women, there is a new app that turns an iPhone into a vibrator. It works so well Paris Hilton chipped her tooth.

The season debut of “Jersey Shore” shattered all MTV ratings records. Let’s see, dead birds falling from the sky, millions of dead fish, snow in the South and Snooki tops the ratings, yes, it’s official it is the apocalypse.

“Sarah Palin’s Alaska” was cancelled after one year. It wasn’t that the ratings weren’t good, Palin simply ran out of animals to kill.

Now that they have removed the N-word from Mark Twain’s novels, why stop there? “Old Man and the Sea” is now “Senior Citizen and the Sea” “The Great Gatsby” is now “The Over-Achiever Gatsby” and “Moby Dick” is now “Moby Penile Resemblance.”

The tragic shootings in Arizona are sparking more gun control debates. Some say the tragedy would have been avoided with more gun control, some say more people need to be armed to defend themselves, but all agree Snooki on “Jersey Shore” should be shot.

Monday in Washington DC was the annual no-pants-on-the-subway day. Or as they call that in New York: Everyday.

Yesterday was happy one, one, one, one, one. There are more ones than when Paris Hilton got drunk and went up on stage at a strip club.

Congratulations to Auburn winning the BCS Championship over Oregon. How about those neon green socks the Ducks wore? They’re the same socks my flamboyantly gay Uncle Terrance wears when he works in his garden.

Since you asked:
Not that I knew the Matthews real well at NTE, Clay Jr. was a senior when I was a sophomore and Bruce was a Freshman when I was a Senior, but you didn’t have to know them well to know they were stand up straight shooters. A friend of mine (Check out the brain on Brad) joked that the Matthews are so thick and muscular they had to be on ‘roids.

Not that this could happen, but if I could, I would bet $1,000 that no Matthews ever took any performance enhancing drugs. Yes, old-school is now a trite cliche, but the Matthews really were/are old-school. That makes what Clay Jr. and Bruce and Clay III did and do even all that more amazing, because they are/were competing against mostly folks who are and were juiced. Generally speaking, steroid users are stupid, lazy cheaters. (See: Sammy Sosa, Jose Conseco) Those three words do not appear anywhere in the Matthews DNA.

Have you seen a recent picture of Bruce or Clay Jr.? I have and they both look like they could suit up today and play. Have you seen a recent picture of steroid cheater Bruce Jenner? He looks like he could suit up. Suit up as a mean, skinny woman prison warden.

Anyone who knows me knows, as a U.C. graduate, what I think about USC. But even I have to admit anyone who makes it into the USC Hall of Fame, as both Bruce and Clay Jr. did, should also be in the NFL Hall of Fame.

If Clay Matthews Jr. competed against non-cheating players in the Eighties, people would be saying;

“Lawrence Taylor who?”

Lock for Hall of Fame, which I think he should be anyway.

Monday, January 10, 2011

This is the ticket

We gonna splatter that tatter in shatters, shadoobee, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The first male prostitute for women hired a year ago by the Shady Lady brothel in Nevada is opening his own shop. It’s called; “Bed, Bath and Beyond Three Minutes.”

He’s running a special on listening, spooning and empathizing.

Snooki’s book is out. “I can’t wait to read it for tips on living with quiet grace and dignity,” said nobody.

In his speech to the House, speaker John Boehner cried again. Our most powerful congressman and he cries at tampon commercials, that should shake up the terrorists.

Makes you long for the days when our congressional leaders were stoic, macho, icy and strong, you know, like Nancy Pelosi.

A man broke into a house and got so drunk he couldn’t get out, dialed 911 for help and was arrested. For the love of god, Mel Gibson, get some help.

An 18-year-old Florida man chewed up the seat in the police car. He was charged with being drunk and disorderly and impersonating Kirsty Alley.

Snooki’s book is out. The only problem is when you handle it your finger-tips get all Cheetos orange-like from the spray tan.

I tried to put Snooki’s new book on my iPad, but it gave my iPad a sexually transmitted disease.

New York City has 50,000 tons of uncollected garbage. Even more if you count the Knicks and the Mets.

A homeless man, Ted Williams, with a classic radio voice has landed a home and a job working for the Cleveland Cavaliers. The Cavs were really impressed with his “LeBron James Sucks” demo tape.

Saturday night made my Lex’s bone-sucking ribs.

Not easy, labor wise, but fun on a cloudy weekend with plenty of playoff games. Squeezed in a good workout before.

Peel off the back membrane from the baby backs. Marinate in 2 quarts of apple cider and nearly a cup of salt (Mix until salt is dissolved) for at least two hours. Longer is better. Put ribs on a two-part pan with a slotted top and pour some Budweiser under, rub with “Bone-Sucking Sauce” rub, cover with foil, put in the oven at 200 degrees for four hours.

For barbeque sauce, dice and sweat onions and garlic. Add a jar of peach preserves, a healthy dollop or more of apple cider vinegar, same with ketchup, half a bottle of Bud, a big splash of chicken broth, salt, garlic powder, pepper, a dash of chipotle sauce and let simmer down by at least half or until thick.

Prepare half the amount of mesquite coals in the grill chimney, soak hickory chips in a bowl of water. Place the coals on one side of the Weber, put half the soaked hickory chips on top. Put the ribs on the indirect heat side. Cover. After half an hour, add rest of hickory chips, slather/apply barbeque sauce. At the end of another half hour, (hour total) put the ribs over the fire for grill marks.

Let the ribs settle under a tin foil tent. Slice individually or in pairs of ribs – they should cut like butter - serve on a platter, slather on remaining sauce and decorate with sliced peaches.

Baked beans, salad, cornbread, beer. Bob is your Uncle. And serve with hand wipes. And the blues. And candles.

Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw.