Friday, December 10, 2010

Poster for my band, the Snoring Puppies' upcoming West Coast tour.

We puttin’ the winky in the hinky up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

After ugly and contentious negotiations, Derek Jeter says he and the New York Yankees are just one big family now. The bad news? It’s the Manson family.

Sarah Palin defended killing a Caribou on “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” by posting on twitter if you’ve ever eaten meat, you cannot criticize. It was a little awkward when Palin went on to say; “I mean folks eat Chinese food and that’s made from Chinese people, for cryin' out loud.”

In an interview with Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey denies the lesbian rumors between her and Gayle King; the rumors started when Oprah was shopping on Amazon and accidentally purchased the island of Lesbos.

One of charges against WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, is that he had sex with a Swedish woman but his condom broke resulting in unprotected sex which is against the law in Sweden. His condom broke, so I guess his Wiki really did leak.

There have been some brutal early winter storms. Even Californians have been effected. The other night it got so cold in Los Angeles, my neighbor had to turn up the temperature in his Jacuzzi.

Antonio Martinez, who changed his name to Mohammad Hussein, was arrested in Maryland for trying to blow up a military building. Authorities became suspicious when he changed his name from Antonio Martinez to Mohammad Hussein.

Sarah Palin defended killing a Caribou on “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” by posting on twitter if you’ve ever eaten meat you cannot criticize. Really? That’s like Michael Vick saying you can’t criticize dog fighting if you’ve ever wagged your finger and said; “Bad dog.”

Urban Meyer has resigned as the head coach of Florida; and here I thought that was just an urban myth.

After an embarrassing 45-3 loss to the New England Patriots, New York Jet coach Rex Ryan took the game ball and buried it. Not only that, he found Jimmy Hoffa.

Playboy Playmate, Donna D’Errico claims she was singled out for a humiliating body search by a TSA agent. D’Ericco said if she wanted to be fondled, groped and molested she would meet Charlie Sheen for drinks.

An 86-year-old cancer-stricken Pennsylvania man shot a deer from his recliner; a feeble, sick old man bags a buck from his Barcalounger. Boy, Sarah Palin is right, hunting is a great sport. What a test of sheer athleticism. Keep your triathlon and rock climbing wimps.

Antonio Martinez, who changed his name to Mohammad Hussein, was arrested in Maryland for trying to blow up a military building. He changed his name to Mohammad Hussein? Was the name Osama bin Terrorist already taken?

Thursday, December 09, 2010

High-fiving a million angels, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Mexican-American converted Muslim, Antonio Martinez, was arrested in Maryland for trying to blow up a military building. A Mexican-American converted Muslim, that’s not a title that will get you on Rush Limbaugh’s Christmas card list.

Charles Manson was caught using a cell phone in prison; believe it or not, cell phones work great in prison, you always have a lot of bars.

A Wisconsin woman was arrested after she bit off half of her husband’s tongue during a kiss; see that, women? That’s why we men don’t like foreplay.

Did you hear about the snowstorm in Buffalo? People were stuck in traffic for 12 hours. In Southern California people call in sick when it’s cloudy.

Washington Redskins lineman, Albert Haynesworth, has been suspended for the rest of the season for conduct detrimental to the team. It just goes to show you, $120 million doesn’t buy the kind of hard work and loyalty it used to.

This just in: the entire squad of the Carolina Panthers has been suspended for conduct detrimental to the team.

A Wisconsin man sent a text message to sell drugs to a wrong number that was a grandson of a State Trooper who then had him arrested. You know you’re stupid when you’re too stupid to sell drugs.

These WikiLeaks documents are embarrassing. On President Obama’s visit to China we didn’t offer to pay back the 400 billion we borrowed, but we did tell China how switching to Geico could save them 15% on their car insurance.

In San Francisco, a Macys Santa of 20 years was fired because two adults complained when he told this joke: The reason Santa is jolly is because he knows where the naughty girls are. Oh come on, in San Francisco you can march in a gay rights parade whipping a guy wearing a leather studded thong, but you can’t tell that joke?

A Mexican-American converted Muslim, Antonio Martinez, was arrested in Maryland for trying to blow up a military building. Antonio Martinez is like a regular Muslim terrorist except when he goes to heaven, he and his 72 virgins will live in the same bedroom.

Apple claims it is working on a 3D screen you don’t need glasses to see. Don’t we already have that technology? It’s called: a window.

Since you asked:
One of the funniest things I have ever done is stopping for a date shake somewhere between Arizona and San Diego on the way home from a soccer tournament. What’s so funny about a date shake? Not much, they are tasty and very sweet to the point of cloying, but that wasn’t what was so funny.

What was so funny was the downright cranky, surly and rude old ladies selling them. We were in a line ten deep outside the store in the parking lot by a service window and this bitter old cuss woman simply slammed the window shut in our nice friend Meecy’s face without bothering to inform us we now had to get in the line in the store.

While we walked into the store to stand in the new much longer line, they dispensed these shakes with all the joy of DMV workers on Christmas Eve. They scowled and growled and barked at the customers yelling “Next” and bitterly snatching away the money and slamming the cash register.

So, having nothing else to do while standing in line, and because I am a natural born smart ass, I started making some observations. Rather loudly.

“Wow, it is truly great to watch people who love their job. It sort of makes you all warm and fuzzy inside to know customer service and friendly courtesy still thrive in this cold hard world.”

It is so fun when my wife, Virginia, laughs and gets mad at me at the same time. She told me to stop, but I continued even louder.

“Some people just see other people as potential sales from which to make money, but these lovely ladies clearly relish their time at work, as well as their customer service relationships and see us, the buyers, not as mere consumers, but as human beings and - dare I say it? - potential close friends with hopes, dreams and feelings.”

As the sound of giggling and a smattering of sarcastic applause arose from my fellow line-mates, the woman at the cash register glared at me and yelled;


Great line from “30 Rock.”

Jack Donaghy: “Hey Lemon, lesbian Frankenstein called and she wants her shoes back.”

Underrated, talented comedian Maria Bamford had a bit on her favorite show “E Celebrity Homes.”

In a classic phony TV star voice she had the then Meredith Baxter(nee) Birney giving a tour:

“This is the kitchen. It is where my heart is. We find putting the walk-in refrigerator next to the wine cellar a lifesaver. We bought a castle in Malibu because having our own private beach was very important to us.”

Maria then says she wants to do a show on her friend’s apartments called “Comedian's Homes.”

“This is the kitchen, living room, bedroom, its the 300 square feet where we live. We chose downtown Los Angeles because not getting our credit checked was very important to us. At night we like to sit on the Futon and stare out through the bars of the window and just watch the police helicopters circle overhead.”

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Lex likes his women like he likes his coffee, with steamed non-fat milk and an Equal. Wait, I don't think I did this right. OK, I like my coffee like I like my women, with pretty eyes, nice legs and a good sense of humor. No, I am screwing this all up . . .
Home to Gary the Gaucho . . . for one sad day

Bodah-beep, bodah-boop, bodah bip, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A 20-year-old Australian man married his 5-year-old yellow Labrador name Honey. If you want to give them a gift, the couple is registered at Bed Bath and Beyond Creepy.

Listerine is now offering a less intense mouthwash called Zero. Are there really people out there who find Listerine too intense? Do they also find flossing too complicated?

A 20-year-old Australian man married his 5-year-old yellow Labrador named Honey. Between you and me, I don’t think its going to last, he thought she was a bitch before they got married . . .

A Texas man claims his cell phone blew up in his ear. But that’s what can happen if you call the Naomi Campbell hotline.

Kate Gosselin and her eight kids were on “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.” I believe the name of the episode was: “Why the rest of the world hates us.”

I believe the name of the episode was: “Satan Laughing with Delight.”

Madonna has opened a gym in Mexico City. It’s a place where guys can go, get inside and get real sweaty and tired. And besides Madonna there is also a gym.

A top secret unmanned spacecraft took off from Vandenberg Air Force base, flew into space and returned, but nobody knows what its mission was. It costs a fortune and nobody can say what it does. So they’re calling it the Paris Hilton.

In sad news, Don Meredith passed away at 72. Meredith was a great Dallas Cowboys QB who was an announcer on “Monday Night Football.” To give you an idea how likeable Meredith was, he would have been beloved even without being compared to Howard Cosell.

The First and Last Day of Gary the Gaucho

(Sorry for the retelling, Snakes)

In 1979 UCSB started throwing money at their basketball team problem and built the now semi-famous Thunderdome, the 5,600 seat Events Center. (Catchy name)

In addition to a new winning coach and new uniforms, before the first game of the season someone had the brilliant idea that the Gauchos should have a Gaucho mascot. Although not as bad as the Banana Slugs or Anteaters of UC Santa Cruz and Irvine respectively, the Gauchos isn’t the most popular mascot in NCAA history with the students at UCSB. What a South American cowboy with a Zorro hat has to do with Santa Barbara nobody will ever be able to explain. Why not the Surfers? The Waves? The Dolphins? Or the Chumash Indians? Or the Ranchers? Hell, even the Missionaries would make for great jokes. The Conquistadors? That could be shortened to the Conks.

No, we had the Gauchos.

So it was with great suspicion that we eyed the little guy off to the sideline during the basketball game in the Zorro hat replete with little dangling balls, a frilly white shirt, red vest and baggy black genie pants tucked into his red cowboy boots nervously fidgeting with his costume and waiting for his introduction.

“This better be good,” said one of my beered-up fraternity brothers. And by that we all knew he meant Gary the Gaucho better be like that Phoenix Suns Gorilla and jump off a small trampoline, spin through the air and slam down a dunk and stick the landing.

Standing in the UCSB logo at halftime like a gymnast poised to mount the vault was Gary the Gaucho. The announcer boomed:

“And now, ladies and gentlemen, for your 1980 UC Santa Barbara men’s basketball team, let me introduce to you your new mascot, GARY . . . THE . . . GAUCHO!”

Gary the Gaucho begins a little too-dainty trot towards us, the fans, when he gets to the sideline he does a little hop, then a skip and then he jumps a grand total of about five inches in the air and lands in a “Tah Daaah” flourish, no flips, no summersaults, arms raised as if he just won the all-around gymnastics Olympic gold medal.

For what-seemed-like a long time, there was a deafening and shocked silence. By that I mean you could hear somebody cough. That silence was quickly bludgeoned to death with the loudest boos and yelling and angry screaming you have ever heard accompanied by flying popcorn boxes, beer cups, shoes, sandals, beer cans, beach balls, all well-aimed and cascading down on top of poor Gary the Gaucho.

Although I won’t swear to this, I honestly think I remember a fish hitting Gary flush in the face as he stormed off with his face in his hands balling like a jilted bride never to return.

Thus began and ended the saga that was Gary the Gaucho. A tale still being told to this day to Gary’s long-suffering psychologist, no doubt.

Monday, December 06, 2010

OK. I just saw Frank Gifford's tribute to Don Meredith on "Monday Night Football". It's official, I am a horse's ass. Frank may not be Don, but he deeply cared for the man and that is enough. Anyone who cared for Don Meredith as much as Frank Gifford obviously did is fine. Yes, Frank trashed Mickey Mantle, but let's give him a pass.
Turn out the lights . . .

If you consider a million cash mere finance, te salud, Don Corleone, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Kind of a slow news week. In fact, some of our writers called the studio of; “Two and Half Men” to find out when Charlie Sheen has his next vacation. 

The WikiLeaks documents described French President Nicolas Sarkozy as pompous, short-tempered and egomaniacal. In fact, if Sarkozy was any more difficult he could be a French waiter.

The WikiLeaks documents describe French President Nicolas Sarkozy as having a Napoleon complex, over-compensating for being short. Or as we call it: David Spade-atosis.

“Playboy” magazine is offering an entire computer hard drive that contains every issue of “Playboy” ever printed. This just in: “Playboy” is the last place not to know about Google.

Miami Heat’s LeBron James returned to Cleveland to beat the Cavaliers 108-90. LeBron was booed unbelievably. In fact, I haven’t heard that much booing since Michael Vick went to the Westminster Dog Show.

Listerine is now offering a less intense mouthwash called Zero. Are there really people out there who find Listerine too intense? Do they also find flossing too complicated?

Since you asked:
Man, was I a huge fan of Don Meredith. They are not making them like that anymore. That guy was as tough as they come, charming, a wild partier and he was quite the lady’s man. He was cut out of the same cloth as Detroit Lions hard drinking Texan Bobby Layne, but a lot more charming.

And funny too. Camera catches a sleeping fan waking up and giving the camera the middle finger and, without a beat, Meredith says;

“Another Cowboy fan showing how Dallas is number one.”

Without Meredith, Gifford and Cosell would have been unwatchable on “Monday Night Football.” That absent haircut Gifford had virtually no personality nor sense of humor, and Cosell’s personality, like his hair piece, was indescribably grating and annoying. It’s no joy to speak ill of the dead, but Humble Howard, as Meredith sarcastically called him, may have been the most toxically hated person on the planet and he earned it by having the reportedly most difficult and egotistical personality. Not just in TV, but ever.

It’s like Letterman’s inside joke of when mass-murderer Saddam Hussein produced a TV show, and Letterman said and he isn’t the biggest A-hole in television.

Howard Cosell was the biggest a-hole. But those who knew him say he was a devoted and doting father, grandfather and especially husband.

In an interview ABC producer, Don Ohlmeyer, himself a raging egomaniac and tyrannical boss and a mean drunk, said it was impossible to describe the hatred Cosell generated inside and outside the broadcasting world. Entire TV crews walked out during broadcasts angered by the abuse Cosell wreaked, owners of stadiums refused to allow Cosell to broadcast their events. So as bad as Howard was when the cameras were on, he was ten times more obnoxious off camera. Hard to believe.

Howard Cosell proved my theory about men with bad hair pieces.

Howard Cosell was as big a hypocrite as ever lived. There was nothing Howard liked to pontificate on more than how forward-thinking he was about civil rights. When, in fact, Cosell spewed incredibly racist insults to crew members about his brief fellow broadcaster, O.J. Simpson, before we knew he was a murderer. It was well known that, without any prompting, Cosell would deride Simpson's street-honed dialect and grammar lapses in the manner of a vaudeville performer wearing black face.

Whereas black former Cowboy teammates of Don Meredith's, like "Rapid" Robert Hayes, spoke unabashedly of their love for Meredith and his friendship and kindness.

But apparently there were people who loved to hate Howard because his ratings were sky high. My memory is I hated Howard too much to enjoy him, but I liked Don Meredith so much, I put up with Howard. Barely.

Like I said, they aren’t making them like Don Meredith anymore. To show how far we’ve fallen, we have a woman beater and twice-charged rapist in Ben Roethlisberger. And Don Meredith wasn’t all hat and no cattle like that cackling stupid phony, Terry Bradshaw.

Don Meredith, along with other born NFL leaders, like Paul Horning, proved a football star could be a hard drinking womanizer and, unlike Tiger Woods, pull it off with charm and a sense of humor.

To give a sharp contrast as to which is more important in the end, how you treat people or attaining wealth and fame, look at how drastically opposite we think about Don Meredith at his passing versus Howard Cosell.