High-fiving a million angels, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
A Mexican-American converted Muslim, Antonio Martinez, was arrested in Maryland for trying to blow up a military building. A Mexican-American converted Muslim, that’s not a title that will get you on Rush Limbaugh’s Christmas card list.
Charles Manson was caught using a cell phone in prison; believe it or not, cell phones work great in prison, you always have a lot of bars.
A Wisconsin woman was arrested after she bit off half of her husband’s tongue during a kiss; see that, women? That’s why we men don’t like foreplay.
Did you hear about the snowstorm in Buffalo? People were stuck in traffic for 12 hours. In Southern California people call in sick when it’s cloudy.
Washington Redskins lineman, Albert Haynesworth, has been suspended for the rest of the season for conduct detrimental to the team. It just goes to show you, $120 million doesn’t buy the kind of hard work and loyalty it used to.
This just in: the entire squad of the Carolina Panthers has been suspended for conduct detrimental to the team.
A Wisconsin man sent a text message to sell drugs to a wrong number that was a grandson of a State Trooper who then had him arrested. You know you’re stupid when you’re too stupid to sell drugs.
These WikiLeaks documents are embarrassing. On President Obama’s visit to China we didn’t offer to pay back the 400 billion we borrowed, but we did tell China how switching to Geico could save them 15% on their car insurance.
In San Francisco, a Macys Santa of 20 years was fired because two adults complained when he told this joke: The reason Santa is jolly is because he knows where the naughty girls are. Oh come on, in San Francisco you can march in a gay rights parade whipping a guy wearing a leather studded thong, but you can’t tell that joke?
A Mexican-American converted Muslim, Antonio Martinez, was arrested in Maryland for trying to blow up a military building. Antonio Martinez is like a regular Muslim terrorist except when he goes to heaven, he and his 72 virgins will live in the same bedroom.
Apple claims it is working on a 3D screen you don’t need glasses to see. Don’t we already have that technology? It’s called: a window.
Since you asked:
One of the funniest things I have ever done is stopping for a date shake somewhere between Arizona and San Diego on the way home from a soccer tournament. What’s so funny about a date shake? Not much, they are tasty and very sweet to the point of cloying, but that wasn’t what was so funny.
What was so funny was the downright cranky, surly and rude old ladies selling them. We were in a line ten deep outside the store in the parking lot by a service window and this bitter old cuss woman simply slammed the window shut in our nice friend Meecy’s face without bothering to inform us we now had to get in the line in the store.
While we walked into the store to stand in the new much longer line, they dispensed these shakes with all the joy of DMV workers on Christmas Eve. They scowled and growled and barked at the customers yelling “Next” and bitterly snatching away the money and slamming the cash register.
So, having nothing else to do while standing in line, and because I am a natural born smart ass, I started making some observations. Rather loudly.
“Wow, it is truly great to watch people who love their job. It sort of makes you all warm and fuzzy inside to know customer service and friendly courtesy still thrive in this cold hard world.”
It is so fun when my wife, Virginia, laughs and gets mad at me at the same time. She told me to stop, but I continued even louder.
“Some people just see other people as potential sales from which to make money, but these lovely ladies clearly relish their time at work, as well as their customer service relationships and see us, the buyers, not as mere consumers, but as human beings and - dare I say it? - potential close friends with hopes, dreams and feelings.”
As the sound of giggling and a smattering of sarcastic applause arose from my fellow line-mates, the woman at the cash register glared at me and yelled;
“Next.”
Great line from “30 Rock.”
Jack Donaghy: “Hey Lemon, lesbian Frankenstein called and she wants her shoes back.”
Underrated, talented comedian Maria Bamford had a bit on her favorite show “E Celebrity Homes.”
In a classic phony TV star voice she had the then Meredith Baxter(nee) Birney giving a tour:
“This is the kitchen. It is where my heart is. We find putting the walk-in refrigerator next to the wine cellar a lifesaver. We bought a castle in Malibu because having our own private beach was very important to us.”
Maria then says she wants to do a show on her friend’s apartments called “Comedian's Homes.”
“This is the kitchen, living room, bedroom, its the 300 square feet where we live. We chose downtown Los Angeles because not getting our credit checked was very important to us. At night we like to sit on the Futon and stare out through the bars of the window and just watch the police helicopters circle overhead.”
A Mexican-American converted Muslim, Antonio Martinez, was arrested in Maryland for trying to blow up a military building. A Mexican-American converted Muslim, that’s not a title that will get you on Rush Limbaugh’s Christmas card list.
Charles Manson was caught using a cell phone in prison; believe it or not, cell phones work great in prison, you always have a lot of bars.
A Wisconsin woman was arrested after she bit off half of her husband’s tongue during a kiss; see that, women? That’s why we men don’t like foreplay.
Did you hear about the snowstorm in Buffalo? People were stuck in traffic for 12 hours. In Southern California people call in sick when it’s cloudy.
Washington Redskins lineman, Albert Haynesworth, has been suspended for the rest of the season for conduct detrimental to the team. It just goes to show you, $120 million doesn’t buy the kind of hard work and loyalty it used to.
This just in: the entire squad of the Carolina Panthers has been suspended for conduct detrimental to the team.
A Wisconsin man sent a text message to sell drugs to a wrong number that was a grandson of a State Trooper who then had him arrested. You know you’re stupid when you’re too stupid to sell drugs.
These WikiLeaks documents are embarrassing. On President Obama’s visit to China we didn’t offer to pay back the 400 billion we borrowed, but we did tell China how switching to Geico could save them 15% on their car insurance.
In San Francisco, a Macys Santa of 20 years was fired because two adults complained when he told this joke: The reason Santa is jolly is because he knows where the naughty girls are. Oh come on, in San Francisco you can march in a gay rights parade whipping a guy wearing a leather studded thong, but you can’t tell that joke?
A Mexican-American converted Muslim, Antonio Martinez, was arrested in Maryland for trying to blow up a military building. Antonio Martinez is like a regular Muslim terrorist except when he goes to heaven, he and his 72 virgins will live in the same bedroom.
Apple claims it is working on a 3D screen you don’t need glasses to see. Don’t we already have that technology? It’s called: a window.
Since you asked:
One of the funniest things I have ever done is stopping for a date shake somewhere between Arizona and San Diego on the way home from a soccer tournament. What’s so funny about a date shake? Not much, they are tasty and very sweet to the point of cloying, but that wasn’t what was so funny.
What was so funny was the downright cranky, surly and rude old ladies selling them. We were in a line ten deep outside the store in the parking lot by a service window and this bitter old cuss woman simply slammed the window shut in our nice friend Meecy’s face without bothering to inform us we now had to get in the line in the store.
While we walked into the store to stand in the new much longer line, they dispensed these shakes with all the joy of DMV workers on Christmas Eve. They scowled and growled and barked at the customers yelling “Next” and bitterly snatching away the money and slamming the cash register.
So, having nothing else to do while standing in line, and because I am a natural born smart ass, I started making some observations. Rather loudly.
“Wow, it is truly great to watch people who love their job. It sort of makes you all warm and fuzzy inside to know customer service and friendly courtesy still thrive in this cold hard world.”
It is so fun when my wife, Virginia, laughs and gets mad at me at the same time. She told me to stop, but I continued even louder.
“Some people just see other people as potential sales from which to make money, but these lovely ladies clearly relish their time at work, as well as their customer service relationships and see us, the buyers, not as mere consumers, but as human beings and - dare I say it? - potential close friends with hopes, dreams and feelings.”
As the sound of giggling and a smattering of sarcastic applause arose from my fellow line-mates, the woman at the cash register glared at me and yelled;
“Next.”
Great line from “30 Rock.”
Jack Donaghy: “Hey Lemon, lesbian Frankenstein called and she wants her shoes back.”
Underrated, talented comedian Maria Bamford had a bit on her favorite show “E Celebrity Homes.”
In a classic phony TV star voice she had the then Meredith Baxter(nee) Birney giving a tour:
“This is the kitchen. It is where my heart is. We find putting the walk-in refrigerator next to the wine cellar a lifesaver. We bought a castle in Malibu because having our own private beach was very important to us.”
Maria then says she wants to do a show on her friend’s apartments called “Comedian's Homes.”
“This is the kitchen, living room, bedroom, its the 300 square feet where we live. We chose downtown Los Angeles because not getting our credit checked was very important to us. At night we like to sit on the Futon and stare out through the bars of the window and just watch the police helicopters circle overhead.”
posted by Alex at
9:36 AM
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