Friday, August 14, 2009

F.Y.I. Michael Vick will not be playing for these Eagles. P.S. I hate it when people say F.Y.I.

Anyone question the power music has with women? These guys got laid . . . a lot.

Michael Vick has signed a deal with the Philadelphia Beagles, err, Eagles. Eagles opponents are now brushing up on their mad dog blitzing schemes.

To clarify, Michael Vick will be playing for the NFL Philadelphia Eagles, not the band. The Eagles band expressed less interest in Vick than the band Three Dog Night.

A Russian woman was arrested this week after she threw a coffee mug at the Mona Lisa in Paris. Turns out the woman threw the mug because she was upset she didn't get French citizenship. When French officials heard about this incredibly thoughtless, annoying and obnoxious act, they immediately granted her full French citizenship.

Michael Vick signing with the Eagles means with Philadelphia QB Donovan
McNabb, Vick could come in as a second QB in a version of the Wildcat offense. Or in this case it would be a Wilddog offense.

What are the chances animal right groups, like PETA, will let Vick alone? About less than the chance of pigs sprouting wings and becoming carrier pigeons.

President Barack Obama assured critics that his health care proposal would not pull the plug on grandma. But that bitter, cheap great Uncle everyone hates? He’s toast.

The President of ABC in under fire because he said Paula Abdul is a huge talent and if Fox
doesn’t want her, ABC “would love to get a piece of that.” One feminist group is so upset they had to cancel their Simon Cowell Look-alike Contest.

Electric guitar inventor Les Paul passed away. Can you imagine? Without Les Paul there would be no music from the Beatles, Rolling Stones, Eric Clapton. On the upside, there
wouldn’t be any music from the Jefferson Starship.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Why is this woman smiling? Oh, that's why . . .

Heidi Pratt claims she can have 20-30 orgasms a day. And that isn't counting all the ones she fakes with Spencer.

Can you imagine how many more she'd have if she wasn't using her thumbs all day to text?

You can tell just about everything you need to know about a person by how they respond to the statement: Heidi Pratt claims she can have 20-30 orgasms a day.

President Obama tried to make a point about private companies and the government providing the same service. He said UPS and FedEx are doing fine, it's the post office that's always having problems.

He does have a point, you never hear about some crazed worker getting a gun and going UPS or FedEx on everyone.

In a town hall meeting where he was pushing for government health care, President Obama compared the well-run, successful private shippers, UPS and Fed Ex, to the dysfunctional, billions-losing government-run Post Office.

That's like Artie Lang trying to get lucky with a hot babe by comparing himself to the Jonas Brothers.

Heidi Pratt claims she can have 20-30 orgasms a day. How is that possible? She can only count to nine.

Reason # 732 you pal, Lex, is not a politician:

I think they should form death panels, and the first people the death panels off? The people screaming against death panels.

Since you asked:
No matter how great something is, too much of it will always ruin it.

Take fresh lobsters.

We used to go down to Mexico - before the police and the gangs were openly shooting at everyone - and trade American hamburger pound-for-pound for fresh caught lobsters with the Mexican lobster fisherman. Words cannot describe how good grilled lobster with melted butter in a fresh tortilla with authentic Mexican refried beans and rice is.

But after three days of lobster, I couldn't even look at a lobster. Still can't.

That's the same thing with free speech. Free speech is one of the greatest things in the world, but if you get too much of it from angry jerks, it ruins it for everyone.

Just because you can go to a town hall meeting and scream your dislike over everything and anything you don't like doesn't mean you should and it doesn't mean we should let these idiots do it. We simply have to stop catering and caving into the vocal and annoying minority.

Sometimes all you need to do to decide on a tricky political topic is to look at who is for it and who is against it. Take Pro Choice. The women against pro choice don't all look like fat, crazy women with their hair in curlers and cold cream on their angry, pudgy faces, but they don't look anything like the hot babes who are for pro choice.

Re: facebook.

Gotta admit the facebook is pretty cool. When I first got on I thought now why would I want to stay in touch with Todd, the fat kid in second grade who stunk and ate paste? If I wanted to be in touch with Todd I would be.

But it has been pretty cool to follow folks. Not feeling the Twitter love as much but it is kinda cool to know what famous people are doing. Pretty much what we're doing, but with more money and more hassles from annoying fans.

As a die-hard undeclared/independent, it has been fun to see how shrill and stubborn both sides are, but the liberals claim to be tolerant and benevolent.

But on this health care deal, the republicans seem to be the big whining pains-in-the-ass. Obama is just trying to find what will work, but the republicans want to shoot down anything he comes up with, no matter if it is right or not.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

On House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's urging, Congress was set to buy three luxury private jets strictly for use by congressional members. To which their constituents responded;

"Hey, maybe we should get a private luxury jet. Oh, no, wait, that's right, I forgot, we're freaking broke."

Since you asked:

Not to brag - oh, who am I kidding? - but my daughter, Ann Caroline, is so adorable she breaks my heart.

She happened by when I was playing the viral Jill and Kevin dancing wedding video. AC went crazy. About six times since then I have caught her playing it on her computer.

Tweet, tweet, tweet on the street so your feet don't miss a beat, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Good move
McDonald's posts huge July sales; savvy investors scoop up all funeral-related stocks.

Busy guy
A Brazil crime show host, Wallace Souza, also a state legislator, was charged with murdering his drug rivals - he is also a drug dealer - in order to film them first to boost his show's, "Canal Livre" ratings. This guy makes Ryan Seacrest look like a slacker.

Along with some torture molding
President Barack Obama has been accused by Sarah Palin and other republicans of suggesting the creation of death panels who will decide which old people are allowed to live. Don't death panels sound like something lining the walls of Dick Cheney's private study?

Heidi Montag and Mr Montag? Just a fetid, steaming pile of wrong.

Nancy Pelosi proposed a bill initially approved by congress, but now rescinded, to buy three luxury private jets to be used exclusively by members of congress. This news item is for the people who still don't believe congress is out of touch. All five of them.

Monday, August 10, 2009

ESPN reports only three NFL teams have shown any interest in Michael Vick, but Vick is not worried, that is 21 teams in dog years.

Chicago Blackhawks star, Patrick Kane, was arrested for beating a Buffalo cab driver because he didn't have 20 cents change for Kane. Kane brings an entirely new and ugly meaning to cheapskate.

Before the Washington Nationals-Arizona Diamondback game, a violinist played the National Anthem on a violin made from a bat and the crowd went wild. The next guy who played the "Innagoddadavida" drum solo on his athletic cup? That didn't go over as well.