Saturday, January 10, 2009

Can I get a what what from the gut gut, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

A real dog

With the success of “Marley & Me” Hollywood is in a rush to green light dog movies. One that doesn’t sound so great is about a guy who ends up losing his dog in a football bet. It’s called “Parlay & Me.”


San Diego is playing Pittsburgh and you could not ask for two more disparate cities. Both are great, but for different reasons, so let’s do the math.

(It was awkward, when President Bush heard Pittsburgh and San Diego described as disparate, he said “You mean like the housewives on Hysteria Lane?”

Ron Burgandy’s definition notwithstanding, San Diego is Spanish for Saint James. Pittsburgh is old English for a town named Pitt. One point San Diego.

San Diegans like extra foam, non-fat, double pumped vanilla lattes. Pittsburghians drink black Joe out of a plaid thermos. Point for Pittsburgh.

San Diegans love seared ahi tuna with wasabe al fresco. Pittsburghians don’t know nor care what half of those words mean. One point Pittsburgh.

San Diego surfs. Pittsburgh ice fishes. You can drink when you ice fish. One point Pittsburgh.

San Diego has lots of animals in their zoo and Wild Animal Park. Pittsburgh’s Troy Polamalu has a wild animal sticking out of the back of his helmet. Tie.

San Diego is known for their fish tacos. Pittsburgh is known for making jokes about fish tacos. Even.

Pittsburgh is known for its symphony and ballet. Guys in San Diego call going to their many strip clubs “Going to the ballet.” One point San Diego.

And finally,

San Diego’s weather is described as temperate. Pittsburgh’s weather is described as divine retribution. Two points San Diego to make it a tie.

Friday, January 09, 2009

We gonna hoist the foist up in this up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s about time
Britain has passed a law that makes it illegal to have sexually suggestive street names like Hoar street, H-O-A-R. Finally some good news for those poor folks who live on Slutty Skank Way.

What’s in a name?
A guy in Maine wants to open a diner with topless waitresses. The name of the place is “Hooters, no, really guys, Hooters.”

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
Barack Obama has appointed CNN’s Sanjay Gupta as Surgeon General. President Bush thinks it’s shameful that Obama snubbed House.

The movie “Che” is out. There was an awkward moment when President Bush said; “Ahem, not to embarrass the movie makers, but she spells it with an R, Cher.”

And again
Barack Obama has appointed CNN’s Sanjay Gupta as Surgeon General. President Bush said, “Who cares? Did you know the Surgeon General isn’t really a real general anyway? He doesn’t even have a gun.”

Crime rate keeps going up, up, up, to live in this town you gotta be tough, tough, tough
The bad news is that the murder rate in New York City is up 5%. To make it even worse, that 5% doesn’t include Bernie Madoff.

Not good
The New York Knicks are in last place. The Knicks are so bad they couldn’t make a shot in Plaxico Burress’s sweat pants.

Up, up, up
The crime rate in New York is up. Murder is up 5%. But here is a good tip, if you are visiting New York and you want to avoid getting shot, stay away from Plaxico Burress’s sweat pants.

Oh, well, in that case
Amy Winehouse’s ex says she smokes crack for breakfast; but don’t worry, it’s that new crack now with multi-grains.

“Marley & Me” is still #1 at the box office. My favorite scene is when Marley breaks away from his leash and runs over and humps Rod Blagojevich’s hair.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it again
Barack Obama has appointed CNN’s Sanjay Gupta as Surgeon General. There was an awkward moment, when President Bush heard about Sanjay Gupta he asked; “Isn’t that the guy who fixed my computer?”

Big game
The big rivalry game is this weekend, the New York Giants vs. the Philadelphia Eagles. The winner gets to choose where they’re going to bury the bodies of the losers in New Jersey.

Neither one
A pet insurance company came out with a list of the most popular dog names in 2008. Among the most popular dog names were Max, Molly, Buddy and Daisy. The least popular dog name in 2008? Michael and or Vick.

Like that
Adam “Pacman” Jones was released by the Dallas Cowboys following his suspension this season for fighting with his bodyguard. Got that? He got in a fight with the one guy paid to keep him from getting in fights. That’s like shooting your anger management counselor.

Idaho Senator Larry Craig will drop his appeal of his airport men’s bathroom sex sting conviction. That’s good because if there is one thing a creepy 63-year-old guy hustling sex in a public bathroom does not have, it’s any appeal.

Since you asked:
Say what you want about the endless problems created by religious fanatics in the world, at least this Tim Tebow guy walks the walk. He has worked with lepers and the impoverished in the Philippines, where he was born. The only rub on the guy is that he may not be the best dude to invite to a bachelor party.

“For the last time, Tim, no, I don’t know if Tiffany has accepted Jesus as her savior, the poor girl is just trying to give you a freaking lap dance, for crying-out-loud.”

But can the guy make a wicked Paris Hilton joke and a BBQ Meatloaf sandguido on sourdough?


Lex on Blago

To fully get a concept of what a total nob/tool this Rod Blagojevich dorp really is, you have to spend a fair amount of time in and around Chicago.

Like other parts of the country, as in state capitals like Boston, in Chicago politics is really treated like some kind of sport. The locals are savvy and they know who is who and what is what. Our family treated election night like the seventh game of the World Series.

One of the things that was shocking to me when I moved out to California for school is that, in general, my good, smart and fairly well-educated California friends did not give a flying gnarly dude spit about politics. They still don’t. There was this one leggy, pretty brunette in our Long Beach State dorm who was so impressed that I read “Time” magazine she slept with me. Bless her heart.

But in Chicago, if they aren’t talking about dah Bearsss or dah Cubssss in the local tavern, they probably will get around to local politics.

Chicago politicians have to walk a thin line of being qualified but not being snotty or East Coast-like elitists, or heaven forbid, an intellectual.

The original Mayor Daley knew that he had to keep his tiny tract home house in a blue collar neighborhood despite his making a fortune under the table. And he wanted the press showing him each morning leaving that little house and going to city hall with his hat, briefcase and rain coat on the way to take dah El to dah loop. Meanwhile he was buying up mansions on Lake Geneva and I don’t mean the one in Wisconsin.

That is what Blagojevich was smart about. He wasn’t all Jack Kennedy or Mitt Romney-like, he made it clear he was a Chicago guy, pronounced: uh Chuh-cahhhhh-gooo guyeee.

This Blagojevich clown got his law degree from Pepperdine in Malibu. Although both are on the Ocean, Pepperdine makes my UCSB look like Oxford. It is a bunch of rich Christian kids looking for a good time. One of my friends admitted he got his law degree there virtually by accident and without ever seeing the inside of the library.

So that is how so many relatively not-that-smart guys can get elected to high offices in Illinois. In Illinois, they like their politicians plain and without high pedigrees. That goes back to Abe Lincoln. Abe pushed the angle that his opponent, Stephen A. Douglass, was a snooty intellectual. Lincoln lived in a log cabin the way Mayor Daley lived in a tiny tract home.

In Illinois, savvy outweighs snooty every time. 

The last thing I want to imply is that Chicago/Illinois elects dumb hicks. Quite the contrary. My Mother practically ran the Northwestern Kellogg Graduate School Not-for-profit department because her boss, Don Heider, was so entrenched in Illinois politics. Heider is/was a classic Chicago politician. He looked like the rugby player he was,  but had advanced degrees from Stanford. And he was rough on my Mom. Yelling, screaming, demanding. A couple of times I almost went to his office to climb inside his jock, but my mother would have killed me. But he was also deathly loyal.

My word, if some snotty graduate student was rude to my Mom - and this was an amazing school, all of Bobby Kennedy's kids came through,  to the delight of my Mom, a wild Kennedy fanatic, and she said they were very nice.

But I digress, if some pompous little twit tried to treat my Mom like hired help, even my Mom felt sorry for the screaming tongue-lashing they got from Don Heider. 

But the popularity of politics and, as a result, an endless tolerance for bad behavior, in Chicago and Illinois is also how a nimrod baboon-head like Blagojevich could swell his already huge ego to the point where it actually blinds him into complete and utter stupidity. He is the third Illinois governor who will go to prison in thirty years.

Illinois doesn't try to elect idiots, it elects regular looking guys who then turn idiotic by a system that allows their egos to go unchecked. The rest of the country can laugh at us Californians for electing an action star as it's governor, but if Arnold threw tantrums or tried to elicit bribes, the tabloids would know about it. He has to be clean because he is so famous. 

And none of them were truly dumb guys. Look at how savvy Blago was with Burris?

Chicagoans/Illinoisans will put up with a ton of amazingly atrocious behavior if they think their politician is working for them.

But when Illinois folks find out that megalomaniac was in fact screwing them out of their tax money? He will go down faster than Paris Hilton on “Free Jager-shots” night.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

You know who got scammed in that Bernie Madoff scandal? Former New York Gov. Elliot Spitzer. And you thought it cost him a lot of money to get screwed before?

"Marley & Me" still #1 at the box office. My favorite scene is when Marley breaks free of his leash and runs over and humps that thing on Donald Trump's head. 

10 people a week are treated for injuries sustained while playing the video game Wii; that could be embarrassing; “So how’d you hurt your elbow?” “Oh, I hurt it playing with my Wii.” “Jeeze, pal, get a girlfriend.”

The bad news for Roland Burris is that the Senate may not approve his Ill. Senate appointment. The more bad news for Burris? Ill. Gov. Rod Blagojevich refuses to give him back his deposit.

Did you see all the ex presidents and Barack Obama had lunch at the White House; there was one awkward moment when Bill Clinton leaned over to President Bush and asked him if the CIA could get him the phone number of Charles Barkley’s new girlfriend.

George W. H. Bush, father of President George W. Bush, said his son, Jeb Bush, would make a great President. Sort of like how OJ Simpson’s son, Jason, could make a great son-in-law. But nobody is going to let that happen either.

George W. H. Bush, father of President George W. Bush, said his son, Jeb Bush, would make a great President. If Jeb Bush does become President, the White House would have seen more Bush than, well, when Clinton was there.

NBC has hired the mastermind of the 0-16 Detroit Lions, Matt Millen. They want to put him in charge of NBC's new primetime shows and see if he can go 0-17.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

What the what the what the what, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Ol’ gal
Sadly, the oldest woman passed away at 115. So now we have a new oldest woman, so congratulations to Cloris Leachman.

Los Angeles has a raccoon infestation. Just the other day I thought I saw a really scary raccoon here in Los Angeles. It had black circles around its eyes, tons of scary hair. But it turns out it was just Amy Winehouse.

10 people a week are treated for injuries sustained while playing the video game Wii; that could be embarrassing; “So, how’d you hurt your elbow?” “Oh, I hurt it playing with my Wii.” “Jeeze, dude, get a girlfriend.”

I’ll be back
It’s 2009, in twenty years they sent Arnold Schwarzenegger to the past as “The Terminator” to kill Sarah Conner, but now the republicans want him to kill Sarah Palin.

Zoo officials in China have given a tiger Viagra to help it mate; you know what that tiger thinks of his Viagra pills? They’re great.

Sir Chuck
Charles Barkley was arrested for a DUI. Charles was arrested because, as he told police, he ran a stop sign in a hurry to see a woman who was really good at oral sex. Or as most guys would call that: a justifiable trivial traffic incident. Let him go.

That explains it
Actor Matt Dillon was ticketed in Vermont for going 106 mph. Apparently somebody gave Matt directions to Charles Barkley’s new girlfriend.

The San Diego Chargers will play Pittsburgh in the playoffs even though the Steeler’s quarterback, Ben Roethlesberger had a bad concussion in their last game. Roethlesberger’s concussion was so bad, he was preparing to play the Detroit Lions in the playoffs.

Economists are shocked at December's low car sales. Really? We must have the only economists who, in a bad economy when we demand everyone use less gas, and yet they can’t figure out why car sales are bad. Next they’ll be surprised sales of 2008 calendars are off.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

So get this, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Got a record five jokes on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” last night.

#1, I want to be the first to wish my fellow dyslexics a happy 9002.

#2. It was awkward at the White House when they asked President Bush if he had a New Year resolution he said; “The government is in trouble but we don’t need to start a resolution.”

#3 Congratulations to Bristol Palin, Sarah’s daughter, she had a baby and named him Tripp. Really? Tripp? Didn’t his grandmother just get arrested for drugs? Is Tripp the best name? Were the names Wasted and Stoned already taken?

#4 But that is better than Sarah Palin’s idea: Joe the baby.

#5 Saw an odd movie this holiday: “Valkyrie & Me” It’s about a plot to kill Hitler’s dog.

2 and 4 got the biggest laughs, 5 got a kind of bemused “Huh?”

That wasn’t turr-uh-bull
In Phoenix, Charles Barkley was arrested for a DUI. Charles was arrested because, as he told the police, he was in a hurry to see a woman who was really good at oral sex. And here I didn’t even know Monica Lewinski was visiting Phoenix.

Sadly, the oldest woman passed away at 115. So now we have a new oldest woman, so congratulations go out to Cher.

Since you asked:

So Ann Caroline got an A++ on a paper she wrote for science. So, as someone who has never even gotten an A+, I wanted to read it. It was a very well worded and almost doctor-like description of the digestive system detailing what happens when food comes in all the way to it's final expulsion. This is what Ann Caroline wrote, and I am not changing one word:

"So then the feces is expelled from the rectum. Hopefully in a toilet."

I'd like to think the toilet line is what earned her the double plus.