What the what the what the what, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?


Ol’ gal
Sadly, the oldest woman passed away at 115. So now we have a new oldest woman, so congratulations to Cloris Leachman.

Raccoons
Los Angeles has a raccoon infestation. Just the other day I thought I saw a really scary raccoon here in Los Angeles. It had black circles around its eyes, tons of scary hair. But it turns out it was just Amy Winehouse.


Embarrassing
10 people a week are treated for injuries sustained while playing the video game Wii; that could be embarrassing; “So, how’d you hurt your elbow?” “Oh, I hurt it playing with my Wii.” “Jeeze, dude, get a girlfriend.”

I’ll be back
It’s 2009, in twenty years they sent Arnold Schwarzenegger to the past as “The Terminator” to kill Sarah Conner, but now the republicans want him to kill Sarah Palin.

Grrrreat
Zoo officials in China have given a tiger Viagra to help it mate; you know what that tiger thinks of his Viagra pills? They’re great.

Sir Chuck
Charles Barkley was arrested for a DUI. Charles was arrested because, as he told police, he ran a stop sign in a hurry to see a woman who was really good at oral sex. Or as most guys would call that: a justifiable trivial traffic incident. Let him go.

That explains it
Actor Matt Dillon was ticketed in Vermont for going 106 mph. Apparently somebody gave Matt directions to Charles Barkley’s new girlfriend.

Bad
The San Diego Chargers will play Pittsburgh in the playoffs even though the Steeler’s quarterback, Ben Roethlesberger had a bad concussion in their last game. Roethlesberger’s concussion was so bad, he was preparing to play the Detroit Lions in the playoffs.

Duh
Economists are shocked at December's low car sales. Really? We must have the only economists who, in a bad economy when we demand everyone use less gas, and yet they can’t figure out why car sales are bad. Next they’ll be surprised sales of 2008 calendars are off.