Thursday, August 02, 2007

We smack dab in dab smack, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That she blows
Tropical Storm Chantal has formed in the Atlantic. And if Chantal gets any stronger, she could turn into a full blown hurricane ‘ho.

Hurricane Chantal is a little unusual. Not a lot of rain but it sure blows a lot.

Where did the time go?
Can you believe it is August already? Time is flying by faster than a drunk astronaut.

“Booze” Aldrin
How about those astronauts lifting off drunk? “Houston, we have a hangover.”

How about those astronauts lifting off drunk? I’m not surprised. Hey, you try drinking nothing but straight Tang.

Apparently, when it comes to space missions, NASA stands for Not Against Sending Alcoholics.

Aww, that’s nice
San Diego’s giant panda, Bai Yun, is pregnant. And when the baby panda is born, Angelina Jolie is going to adopt it.

How about those astronauts taking off drunk? Somebody leaked an embarrassing video clip of a drunk astronaut trying to eat his freeze dried hamburger off the floor.

The British invasion
England’s new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, is visiting the United States; And he brought his wife, Posh Brown.

England’s new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, is visiting the United States; unfortunately, he will not be able to perform due to a bad ankle.

After an incredible amount of hype, $250 mil David Beckham will probably miss his official M.L.S. debut in Toronto due to a bad ankle. They were right, Beckham has done the impossible for soccer, he has figured out how to disappoint American fans with soccer even further.

A German doping expert said he has evidence that the Tour De France winner, Spain’s Alberto Cantador, cheated with drugs. If this Tour De France gets any more bad news they’ll have to change it’s name to the Atlanta Falcons.

Weepy time
Paris Hilton could have her entire inheritance, $60 million, cut because her grandfather, Conrad Hilton, is fed up with Paris embarrassing the Hilton name. You thought Paris cried when they took her back to jail?

Hurricane Ho
Tropical Storm Chantal has formed in the Atlantic. Tropical Storm Chantal is a little different; Chantal is the first tropical storm that will give you a lap dance for $20.

Oh, that time
Now that he is closing in on the all-time home run record, stories of how charming Barry Bonds can be are emerging. Sorry, make that the one story of the time Barry Bonds was charming has emerged.

Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy
One of Michael Vick co-defendants is going to cop a plea. You know what that means in dog terms? The co-defendant is going to roll over and Vick will play dead.

President Bush’s approval rating is at an all time low. In fact, the only way Bush’s popularity could get worse is if he sent dogs to fight in Iraq.

“The Simpsons Movie” is out in theaters and doing well. Now don’t confuse “The Simpsons Movie” with “The OJ Simpson Movie.” In “The Simpsons Movie” Homer is searching for the real crullers.

This has been a rough summer for Paris Hilton. First she went to jail, now her show “The Simple Life” has been cancelled and her grandfather, Conrad Hilton, might cut off her inheritance. Now there is a rumor that Paris tried to enter her Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, in a Michael Vick dog fight.

Since you asked:

This has been – knock on wood. No, really, knock on wood three times – a really great summer. Ann Caroline has learned to swim and swim really well. Her soccer is out of this world. We’ve taken her to her first Padres game, I saw two out of three Cubs games, we had an amazing private tour of the Wild Animal Park thanks to our friend, Rich Messina. Many, many trips to the beach, Sea World, picnics and concerts at Humphries including the great John Hiatt. Many, many, many barbeques. Playing harp with my bands.

You got the idea. Old school San Diego stuff.

Now with the advent of my going to try stand up paddle surfing, I have decided to fully embrace my inner California kook. Yes, I am going to let my California freak flag fly. Healthier, lighter food, moderate sipping of California red wines, lots of pistachio nuts, avocados, working out religiously, and, mountain biking, and I am even going to take up the old TM again.

Now, if I was in Chicago – and had more money, like my rich Winnetka friends – I would have Cubs and Bears season tickets and play golf at the fancy country club, own a nice bass boat and play that game in the winter that looks like tennis on wood slats. But I’m not, I’m in California.

So tonight it is a grilled steak Asian salad with a Cabernet. No, make that pan-seared Mahi Mahi with a white wine and caper reduction sauce with asparagus served over rice pilaf with a crisp non-oak Chardonnay.

And no, flying my California avocado-head freak flag does not mean that I am gay. (Not that there is anything wrong with it)

Whimpy? Maybe. But not gay.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Flinging it, winging it and singing it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is it?
Man it has been hot. Today I was sweating like the surgeon trying to find Dick Cheney’s heart.

It was announced Dick Cheney underwent minor heart surgery to replace a defibrillator; only Cheney could have heart surgery and have it qualify as minor surgery.

What's in a name?
The Jim Carey movie “23” is on DVD. It’s named “23” Because that’s how many people saw it in the theater.

The New England Journal of Medicine claims obesity can be contagious. If you hang out with obese people you’re more likely to get really fat. “Don’t shake my hand, Dude, I think I’m coming down with a bad case of lard ass.”

The New England Journal of Medicine claims obesity can be contagious. Especially if you are hanging out with fat people at Dennys at four am.

Yeah, me neither
Hey, get this: an American, Levi Leipheimer, won stage 19 of the Tour De France. Yeah, I don’t really care either . . .

One of the co-defendants in the Michael Vick dog fighting case has copped a plea to testify; in dog terms that means he is going to roll over and Vick will play dead.

Not a good sign
Two weeks after getting out of the Malibu Promises rehab facility, Lindsay Lohan got her second DUI. Britney Spears is still drinking after going to Promises. I’m not sure the Malibu Promises is such a good rehab center. You have to worry about a rehab center that has a Tiki bar, Happy Hour and a Margarita Machine.

NFL camps
Can you believe NFL training camps are set to open? All camps are different. The San Diego Chargers have to get used to a new coach, Norv Turner. The Chicago Bears are working on an offense that will help their struggling quarterback, Rex Grossman. And the Atlanta Falcons owner, Arthur Blank, is making their coaching staff write one thousand times “I will not invest the franchise on a morally repugnant evil and sadistic dog fighter” on a classroom board.

Rhymes with sick
The Atlanta Falcons think they may have found a clause that will allow them to not pay Michael Vick while he is on trial to possibly go to prison for dog fighting. Gosh, that couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

Michael Vick has been suspended following his dog fighting indictment. Who would ever imagine that trying to board a plane with pot hidden in a water bottle and getting sued for giving a woman herpes wouldn’t be close to the stupidest things Vick did?