Saturday, March 24, 2007

It is hard out here

Saturday Morning Caffeine Jonesing Rant:

Super Bowl winning quarterback Peyton Manning was the host of “Saturday Night Live.” He was pretty good except when he would audible and change all the sketches at the line of scrimmage;

“Check, no spit take, no spit take. Going with blow to the crotch, repeat, blow to the crotch.”

Here is my Peyton Manning sketch if I wrote for “SNL”

Peyton runs up to the huddle:


“We don’t have much time. Here’s the play. We are going to run a hot route, K-75 g-hitch bee bop two-step drop Schenectady skiddle slapper on four.”


“Uh, I don’t like that play.”


“Why not?”


“Well, it goes to the left.”




“Well if we go to the left, that could be interpreted as an indication of our political leanings thus us being unsupportive of our military policy in Iraq and a sign of disrespect to our troops at a sensitive time.”


“Fine, good point, we’ll run it to the right.”

Wide Receiver:
(Very campy lilting voice)

“Wait a sec, Skippy.”


“Now what?”

Wide Receiver:

“Going right could be viewed as us being conservative and thus agreeing with that homophobic scary witch Ann Coulter who just called John Edwards that nasty gay slur F-word”


“What the hell do you care, you’re a wide-receiver?”

Wide Receiver:

“About that, I find the term wide receiver also to be a pejorative gay slur.”


“We don’t have time for this. OK, instead of wide receiver what should we call you?”

Wide Receiver:

“A tight end”


“OK, you’re a tight end.”

New Tight End:

“A really, really tight end.” (slaps his own butt)


“OK, you’re a really really tight end. Now let’s go. Hot route, K-75 g-hitch bee bop two-step drop Schenectady skiddle slapper . . . up the middle . . .”

New Really Really Tight End
(terribly excited)

“ . . . oh goody.”


“. . . on two.”

Another lineman:

“Wait a second. (Points over to the ball) Is that ball pig skin?

(Growing very agitated)

“Yes, it’s pig skin. So what?”

Another Lineman:

“Oh, that just won’t work for me. I’m a Vegan.”


“OK, that’s it, I can’t take it anymore. He won’t run to the left, he won’t go the right and he wants to be a called a tight end because wide receiver isn’t quite gay enough and now this idiot decides he can’t play with a pig skin because he’s a freakin’ Vegetarian?”

Another Lineman :

“Excuse me, Vegan”


“Oh, please forgive me, Vegan. Are you kidding me? I quit!” (Manning storms off)

(They silently watch Manning storm off)

New Really, Really Tight End:

“What a bitch.”

Remaining Huddle:

“What a primma donna. It’s all about him, isn’t it? Those quarterbacks are such divas.”

Cut to: Spinning Newspaper stops to reveal headline:

“Peyton Hates the Troops?”

Another headlind:

“Teammates Say Manning Difficult”

Another headline shouts:

“Homophobic Star QB?”

And another headline screams:

“Peyton the Animal Killer”

And the final headline:

“Rosie Rants Against Insensitive Football Star.”  

And scene.

(Roaring applause)

Since you asked:

Looking good in the NCAA pool. Still have four of the final eight. Kansas, Ohio State, North Carolina and Florida. And if I hadn’t gone on a goofball Oral Roberts upset jag I would have five. As a sports comedy writer I just couldn’t resist a team named Oral coming from behind.

The fact was they choked. (Rimshot)

It is hard out here

Oh you so busted flat in Baton Rouge, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers

Oh deer
A Wisconsin man received probation after he was convicted of having sex with a dead deer. They were going to send him to jail for having sex with a lifeless mammal but then they would have had to arrest Prince Charles.

A Wisconsin man received probation after he was convicted of having sex with a dead deer. How does that make Martha Stewart feel? Martha fibbed about stocks and went to prison, this guy nailed a dead deer and skates.

The Brady Bunch
A paternity test has been ordered for Anna Nicole Smith’s baby so they will finally determine who is Anna Nicole’s baby-daddy. A lot of people are betting on this Larry Birhkead guy, but don’t rule out Tom Brady. That guy is on a roll.

Say it ain’t so
For the first time online gossip sites, like TMZ, will factor in the presidential election. Oh, I hope this doesn’t mean what I think it means: there is a shot of Hillary without panties in our future.  

A Switch
The George W. Bush Presidential Library will lease land near the SMU campus in Dallas. Because of Bush’s legacy of increased surveillance, this will be the first library where the books check the people out.

No coincidence
A nutritional study reveals that Chinese food is unhealthy. Why am I afraid it isn’t a coincidence we find out Chinese food is unhealthy the same time they discover contaminated pet food?  

A nutritional study reveals that Chinese food is unhealthy. How unhealthy is Chinese food? In New York, the Chinese restaurant rats left for the healthier food at Taco Bell.

A nutritional study reveals that Chinese food is unhealthy. Especially when you order the Kung Pao Cat Food.

A sure sign
In baseball, St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was arrested with a DUI. The police knew LaRussa was intoxicated when he began to rant that the Chicago Cubs would win the World Series.  

Rosie O’Donnell celebrated her 45th birthday on “The View.” Rosie made a wish blew out the candles on her cake and, boom, conservative co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck turned into a huge corn dog.

Catchy name
In New York City a restaurant is offering a pizza that costs $1,000. It’s called the “Why The US is Hated” special.

Good idea
Israel now has its own Hooters restaurant. Because that is really what Israel needs right now, another reason to aggravate conservative Muslims.

Israel now has its own Hooters restaurant. The Israel Hooters is different, instead of Happy Hour they have a “Feeling a little less horribly guilty” hour.

Israel now has its own Hooters restaurant. The Israel Hooters is different, they offer a noon time special called “Should it kill you to take your mother to lunch?”

Spring has sprung
It is officially Spring. Rosie O’Donnell emerged from “The View” and she didn’t see her shadow, so no more winter.

Or something like that
In a TV interview, a spat has begun between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Rush Limbaugh and Arnold called Rush irrelevant. Actually, the exact quote was Arnold called Rush; “Error-rear-rah-err-elephant.”

After their spat, Arnold Schwarzenegger called Rush Limbaugh’s radio show and talked for 15 minutes without letting Rush get a word in. Forget killing indestructible robot aliens barehanded, talking over Rush is the most superhuman feat Arnold has ever done.

Since you asked:

As all parents know, one of the true joy, besides the unconditional love, of having a child is messing with them.

As I had been watching part of the S.I.U.- Kansas game, I took Ann Caroline to the store to get the fixings to make my awesome BBQ Meatloaf sandwiches* the team mascot name for SIU was dancing in my head: Saluki.

So, of course, I informed Ann Caroline that we were changing her name to Saluki. She did not seem to like that idea for some odd reason. So the more she objected the more I stressed that we were legally changing her name to Saluki.

So that brings us to the next question: if you suddenly were a gazillion-aire and decided to form your own division one college, what would the team name be?

Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing your Kaseberg College fighting Thordoggies.

And what would be the name of the marching band? Are you kidding? K.C’s Sunshine Band of course? Wrong. Trick question, we would have no marching band, just a cool band like Stanford.  

*Google Sam the Cooking Guy, go to Sam’s favorite recipes to BBQ Meatloaf. I serve them on toasted sourdough bread with mayo, lettuce and tomato.


Thursday, March 22, 2007

It is hard out here

We the playah who theyah to stayah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Good thinking
For the first time, YouTube will be a factor in a Presidential election. In a related story, Barack Obama has invited Britney Spears to exit a limo with him.

Not the same ring
Have you seen “Dancing with the Stars” with Ian Ziering, Billy Ray Cyrus and Joey Fatone? Apparently the original more accurate name didn’t fly with the focus groups; “Dancing with the C-Listers.”

Have you met my wife whats-her-name?
On yesterday’s date in 1841, Brigham Young married his 41st wife; and on today’s date in 1841, Young told her; “I don’t know who you are anymore.”

Don King met with the Pope. There was an awkward moment when the Pope saw Don King and said; “And I thought my hat was ugly.”

Uh, no son, that’s Mommy
Kevin Federline took Sean and Jayden to visit their mother Britney Spears at the rehab center. Sean said his first words. It was awkward, he pointed at Britney and said; “Dr. Phil.”

The good news? Britney Spears has checked out of the Malibu rehab center. The bad news? Mel Gibson is buying the first round.  

Swimming and hoops
The NCAA tournament begins again today in competition with the newly released swimming movie, “Pride.” The main difference between basketball and swimming? In basketball, putting up a floater in the lane is a good thing.

Saw this one coming
Sacramento Kings forward Ron Artest got four misdemeanor charges from a domestic dispute at his home this month. In the recent past, Artest has been suspended for hitting a fan and cited for starving his dog. At his current pace, in six months, Artest could be a Cincinnati Bengal.  

Learning through repetition
In Delaware, a 35-year-old science teacher was sentenced for having sex with a 13-year-old boy student 28 times in one week, or four times a day for a week. The teacher is going to get ten years, the boy is going to be able to get a date for the rest of his life.

Four times a day for a week? That’s not sex, that’s corporal punishment.

Hey Boo Boo
Did you see National Park Service spokeswoman Tina White hold a news conference on how the missing 12-year-old Boy Scout was found safely? Yogi Bear’s Ranger Smith called and he wants his hat back.

Not a good sign
President Bush so far is supporting embattled U.S. Attorney Alberto Gonzales in the wake of his controversial firing of eight U.S. attorneys. But it doesn’t look good, Bush’s new nickname for Alberto Gonzales is: Ol’ Adios Gonzo Alonzo.

President Bush said he is supporting Attorney General Alberto Gonzales in the wake of his firing of eight U.S. attorneys. When questioned if Gonzales exhibited overzealous exploitation of his prerogative in the U.S. attorney’s repudiations, President Bush replied; “I like pie.”

Since you asked:
Saw a great clip for “Rain On Me.” Adam Sandler’s character has regressed due to a horrible trauma and he is a man/child who calls on the married Don Cheadle’s character at 10:30 to go hang out. When Cheadle’s wife’s character, played by Jada Pinkett, observes, Sandler asks Cheadle if it’s OK with his wife to go out, Cheadle gets all indignant:

“Don’t ask my wife, I’m a grown man, I don’t need permission to go out.”

And then Cheadle has to sneak a sheepish “Is that OK, honey?” look to Jada who gives him the greatest look back. Guys, you know that look. It’s the “Oh, yeah? Is that right, bigshot?” look.

It is a great scene but that hand grenade went off way too close to my foxhole.

In his comedy act, Larry David poses a great question: who has more freedom? A married man in the US or a single guy in communist China? Larry goes with the single guy in communist China. He can’t leave the country but he can leave his house whenever he wants to.

One time when Ann Caroline was still a baby, I walked out the house to go get something out of my car. Virg chased after me with the most indignant: “Where the hell do you think you are going?” look on her face. She thought I had just decided to take off without warning.

No parole officer in history has looked ever more aggrieved by an unauthorized trip.  

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

It is hard out here

How you feelin’ it now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

The world’s largest airliner flew from Europe to New York, the Airbus A380 that holds 500 passengers. It’s so big the flight attendants can take out 100 kneecaps with beverage carts a flight.

A little different
Saddam Hussein’s vice president, Taha Yassin Ramadan, was hanged yesterday. Iraq is different than the U.S., here our vice president leaves his chief of staff out to hang.

Who knew?
“Dancing with the Stars” debuted last night. Athletes Clyde Drexler and Apolo Ohno did well but not nearly as well as the one-legged Paul McCartney ex, Heather Mills. And here you’d have thought the pro athletes would have a leg up on Heather.

“Dancing with the B-listers”
“Dancing with the Stars” debuted last night. Heather Mills did well despite having an artificial leg. There was one awkward moment when the judge told Heather; “That was quite a feat. Err, uh, I mean foot.”

Come on now
Several of the World Wrestling Entertainment wrestlers have been tied to the Florida steroid scandal. What a shock, participants in fake and rigged wrestling match are accused of cheating? Next thing you’ll try to tell me is that Donald Trump’s hair isn’t real.

Back to “Dancing with the Who-the-hells?”
“Dancing with the Stars” debuted last night. Heather Mills did well despite having an artificial leg. Some critics did question Heather’s choice in hair and dress. They said Heather’s style didn’t have a leg to stand on.

Bring in the experts
Good news. A 12-year-old Boy Scout missing for three nights in the North Carolina mountains was found alive. How did the rescuers find the 12-year-old Boy Scout? They hired Michael Jackson and a team of Priests to track him down.

Not good
Due to the eastern winter storm, U.S. Airways had to cancel 2,500 flights stranding 100,000 passengers. You know U.S. Airways is in trouble when Jet Blue is making jokes about them.

Some people get all the luck
A first-class passenger on British Airways from New Delhi to London awoke to find the corpse of a woman who had died in economy in the seat next to him. Some guys have all the luck. I always get the idiot who won’t shut up the entire flight.

All you can eat
A man fell of a cruise ship and lived because he weighed 300 pounds and his fat kept him afloat. It is the first time ever that the midnight buffet actually saved a life.

We kid the Motor City
Real estate is so bad in Detroit that the price of a house is now lower than the price of a car. That makes sense, though. If you have a car you can drive the hell out of Detroit.

Sound familiar?
President Bush said he is supporting embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales in the wake of his controversial firing of eight U.S. attorneys. To which ex-Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said to Gonzales; “Yeah, good luck with that.”

Red tape
Angelina Jolie is in the process of adopting another child. It’s not a simple process. The child has to sign a waiver promising he won’t invite all his friends over when he breast feeds.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

It is hard out here

It all get down to the get down is what it get down to, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Scary dumb
There are several studies that reveal that exercise makes you smarter. That is scary. How stupid would the nine repeatedly arrested Cincinnati Bengals be if they didn’t work out?  

Maybe it was just me
Did you see President Bush’s speech trying to promote the Iraqi war? Why did I get an image of the Ford Theater owner trying to sell tickets the night after Lincoln got shot?

Somebody hose that guy down
At a zoo in Louisiana a female chimpanzee recently got pregnant even though all the male chimps had been fixed. That New England Patriot QB Tom Brady is relentless.

Who? Good question
At a concert in Tampa Bay, the lead singer for “The Who”, Roger Daltry just walked off stage after the first song. Yeah, he was singing “Who Are You?” and he is so old he couldn’t remember.

Not again
In the NCAA tournament, Louisville failed to make the sweet sixteen losing to Texas A&M 72-69 after guard Edgar Sosa missed a three point shot. Not only that, it was later discovered that Sosa tried to cork the ball.

Speaking of Sosa
After a year out of baseball due to being tainted with the steroid scandal, Sammy Sosa has made a spot on the Texas Rangers starting lineup. I’m not sure what that spot with the Rangers is, but I am pretty sure it is not the public address announcer or the spokesperson.

To paraphrase Ricky Ricardo, if Sosa’s English gets any worse, he’d be mute.    

Not good
The NCAA tournament is down to the final sweet sixteen teams. But it does not look good for USC. Not because they aren’t good enough to win, but because the flight to their next game is booked on Jet Blue.

Since you asked:
Just saw the recording of Paula Abdul with Dave and there just is something there that ain’t right. She has that talk of somebody who is trying to pull it together but just ain’t doing it. Just when she gets a string of lucidity she slips and slurs. You know how the drunk who is trying really hard not to sound drunk sounds? Like that.

Near the end of their careers, Chicago Bear running back greats Walter Payton and Gayle Sayers could still have moments where you saw the flash of their old brilliance. But there were also times when you saw that they wanted to break a run and it just couldn’t happen; both times, it broke my heart. You just knew something wasn’t right and it wasn’t ever going to be right again.

That is what is going on with Paula Abdul. She looks good, at times she sounds fairly normal and then she just slip slides away, slip sliding away, you know the nearer your destination the more you’re slip sliding away.

(Polite applause and kudos to Paul Simon on the assist)

Monday, March 19, 2007

It is hard out here

We gonna give that smack down a beat down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How do they think they are?
Did you see the nasty spat on “American Idol” where Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell accused each other of being gay? That’s like Paris Hilton and Madonna calling each other sluts.

On “American Idol” did you see the snippy gay accusations between Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest? It was so bad Elton John called it bitchy.

Don’t light those candles
Osama bin Laden celebrated a 50th birthday last weekend. It was nice, they served a pita cake and sang; “For he’s a jolly good Mullah.”

A former male contestant on “American Idol” is being charged with trying to force un-wanted sex on a male “American Idol” staff member. As the charge was a man forcing unwanted sex on another man, authorities will question all “American Idol” employees except Ryan Seacrest.

A former male contestant on “American Idol” Mario Vasquez is being sued for sexual harassment against a former “American Idol” male staff member. Ryan Seacrest has offered to settle the whole thing in his dressing room.

Since you asked:

Been gone to Park City for an awesome ski/snowboard trip. Sorry if you tried to e-mail but the crappy e-mail thing I am using got full and sent stuff back. It is clear now.

It was a blast, great folks, great place, amazing dinners, feisty poker tournaments, lots of yucks and good snowboarding. OK, one day was a trial of tears as we went down the wrong side and ended up on sunless backside of the mountain on an endless patch of ice. An iced over black diamond run (meaning very steep) had me sliding 200 feet on my back down to an endless icy, narrow and brutal cat trail.

To give you some idea what it is like to fall on a snowboard on an icy run, imagine you are in the back of a flatbed truck going, oh, say 30 miles-an-hour on the cement road only with both your feet strapped into a single slalom water ski. And then you jump out.

And the cat track was a endlessly long ten-feet-across trail that slanted up towards the hill so to go straight you had to stay on your toe edge, which means standing up on your toes. Try standing on your toes while bouncing up and down for ten minutes. You can actually hear your calves scream in agony. That is when you are not also screaming in pain.

But if you stop, you have to unbuckle your back foot and scoot skateboard paddling style until it gets steep enough to go again. And then you have to stop and rebuckle that back foot. Repeat twenty times.

That sucked.

But the next two days were great.

What is the deal with packing? (In my best Seinfeld voice)

What is the deal with packing and unpacking? Why do we make it such a big deal?

We just got back from a wonderful ski/snowboard trip to Park City where a truly marvelous time was had by all – save for one incident where I nearly killed the sweetest, kindest, best doctor in the world, Dana, with a van door – but that is another story.

Why do we fret ourselves so much about packing? The need to pack, un-pack, re-pack and un-pack is an albatross that hangs over your head like a vulture, excuse the fowl mixed metaphor. The entire industry of cruise ships was invented just so you could see other countries without packing and unpacking. The idea of being on a boat with a bunch of old people and stuffing yourself with endless buffets seems tolerable only because you don't have to pack so much.

Granted, packing for ski/snowboard trips is a bit daunting. There are ski clothes, après ski clothes, swimwear for the hot tub, clothes to wear if you go out to dinner. And that isn’t mentioning the actual gear.

So you worry about packing for about a week until two days before then you really start to panic. Oh my word, do I have time to get my ski jackets to the cleaners? Next thing you know you are begging the dry cleaning guy to let you pick it up early.

There is the classic line from my wife, Virginia, that illustrates how much of packing is planning and organization. One time we were just about late to leave for a chartered flight to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico – there is no missing a charter flight. You miss, you screwed – so I asked my wife;

“You are packed, right?” She replied;

“Yes, I just have to put everything into the suitcase.”

As stupid as that first sounded, she was right; once everything is cleaned and folded and ready to go, the actual packing doesn’t take any time at all. It is just that the entire process of planning and getting ready falls under the category of packing.

Oh, but is there a better feeling than when you are packed and ready? It is that I-clipped-my-nails, flossed-my-teeth, finished-the-term-paper, shopped-and-wrapped-the-Christmas-packages feeling.

Then when you arrive you have to unpack. This I was never big on. The stuff is in the suitcase, why not just keep it in the suitcase? But now I am more of a “Let’s hang things up and get them out of the way.” The prior tends to cause a massive, messy pile on the floor by the suitcase.

Now the trip is over. I generally make it a point to slightly under pack. If you have to you can wash something in the sink and dry it with the hotel blow dryer. Lord forbid there is something that I packed that I didn’t wear. I will take it out and wear it just to know I did.

My Dad was a neat half-German who served in the Army. That means a neat nut times four. He brainwashed me into folding all the clothes back up and repacking just as you had when you initially packed. It was a genuine pain but it was how I was raised.

One day in New York I was watching this bon vivant Euro bond trader client/friend of ours packing back up to return to London. He just stuffed everything into the suitcase in seconds flat. I was in shock. What the? He didn’t refold everything? You can do that? It took no time, it took up no more room, the clothes had been worn and dirty anyway and had to be washed, so why not?

But what hit me hard was on this last trip. To prepare for “Casino Royale” DVD we have purchased, I watched a classic Sean Connery Bond flick, “Thunderball.” This was the movie that made me decide, when I was a very young boy, that I knew I wanted to grow up and be a spy. Not for Britain, like Bond, but for the good ol’ C.I.A.

There was not doubt in my mind that my life would consist of sleeping with countless beautiful women (OK, that part actually worked out, not to brag) wearing tuxedos, flying private planes, captaining yachts, drinking martinis and coming up with a witty wry remark right after I killed the bad guy.

That is so much not how my life has turned out. Not that I am not complaining, I have it pretty good, but nowhere in the area code of being James Bond.

This fact really hit home when I was packing up after this Park City trip and putting my toothpaste, toothbrush, cologne, razor, deodorant and other essentials into Ziplock plastic bags.

Dammit all, James Freakin' Bond would not pack his stuff into a damn plastic Ziplock bag.