Saturday, November 18, 2006

At the World Music Awards in London, Paris Hilton put on a show getting in numerous diva cat-fights. According to celebrity insiders, Paris Hilton has now officially become the most despised celebrity. And this at a time that includes Kevin Federline, Saddam Hussein and OJ Simpson.

Since you asked:
Just like O.J. Simpson, Paris Hilton is the personification of proof that wealth and fame are not, by themselves, honorable traits. (To her credit, we do not know if Paris has brutally slaughtered anyone . . . yet)

Is there anything more fun than despising rich, tasteless and tacky narcissists, like OJ and Paris?

In my experience, I have known three horribly greedy full-blown narcissists. Two were a man and a woman who were briefly married to each other –they were hilariously entertaining right up until you wanted to kill them - and the third I worked with as a broker, albeit briefly.

Although all three were unarguably somewhat physically attractive (even with her scary man-hands, we have to admit Paris is good looking) none of the three were nearly as good-looking as they thought they were.

The woman I knew would ask dead seriously; “Do you think Christie Brinkley is attractive?” Her real question was; “Do you think Christie Brinkley is more attractive than I am?” The answer was clearly and obviously yes but if you had said that she would throw an icy cold tantrum.

All three narcissists could not pass a mirror without hilariously and obliviously primping lovingly and longingly. Although briefly entertaining to be around due to their immense and endless self-created dramas, they eventually wore everyone out with their intense and bottomless selfishness. Not one of the three have any real friends now that I know of. You’d think that would be sad, pathetic and regrettable, right? Wrong. It doesn’t bother them at all because they don’t notice or care about anyone else anyway.

Tina Fey said the cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live” had a bet to see how long, if ever, Paris Hilton would ask about someone else, as in “how are you?” Finally somebody won when Paris inquired if Maya Rudolph was Italian. (She isn’t)

The best part of openly making fun of narcissists is that they never catch on because they never notice anyone else but themselves. The game never ends. Paris Hilton will go to her un-grieved grave thinking she is loved and adored by her “fans.” (This is not a joke, Paris actually refers to the public as her fans) The guy we worked with actually had the lengthy-but-hilarious nickname “But enough about me, what do you think of me?” that we would mimic in his impossibly high voice.

Whenever you would talk to one of these three about somebody, anybody, else, they would instantly get this hurt and bored look in their eyes as if they could barely endure the conversation until it turned back to them. As soon as the conversation went back to them, they would veritably sparkle with tingly joy and excitement. To paraphrase another great narcissist, Terrell Owens, they loves them some them.

But their self-absorption swung both ways. The woman narcissist I knew was insanely paranoid about being stalked. Although nobody, to my knowledge, ever actually stalked her, in the time I knew her, she claimed to have had at least thirty stalkers. She averaged one stalker a quarter.

All of us who knew the three narcissist had a running bet on how long they would go before contacting someone without wanting something. The inside joke was to open every conversation with the words “Hi (insert narcissist) What do you need?” Not once did they ever catch on. Not once did they ever not need something. Once again, the game never ended until we finally quit.

That’s the good news. It is really easy to get rid of being trapped in a costly one-way relationship with a selfish narcissist. Just stop doing things for them. Trust me, I decided to do just that and I haven’t heard from any of them in many, many years.

Folks, as much as it may hurt at first, we have to stop lavishing attention on Paris Hilton. (As a source for skank jokes, this is going to really hurt me, but it is a price I am willing to pay) As long as we will buy the tabloids that show Paris in mid bitch-fest at Hydes with another diva, she is not going to go away. TMZ, and “The National Enquirer” if you can read this, please, we are begging you, stop showing us Paris Hilton.

Just like with O.J.’s book and his upcoming “Fox” interview, as far as Paris Hilton is concerned, we have to boycott and ignore her if we want her to get the message: please, please go away.

Speaking of "SNL" Ludicrous, Ludicroush, that guy from "Crash" was hilarious.
Judith Regan is a slimey, rancid, scuzzed-out sleaze bucket, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Horrid scum, thy name is Judith Regan
A disgustingly skanky publisher, Judith Regan, has paid OJ Simpson to write a book on how he would have committed the double murders titled; “If I Did It.” Apparently Osama bin Laden wanted too much money up front.

Wow, that’s as low and despicable as . . . nope that’s it, there hasn’t been anything more despicable.

A sleazy publisher, Judith Regan, has paid OJ Simpson to write a book on how he would have committed the double murders You have to wonder what is this sleaze bag Judith Regan’s next project? Promoting the release of Kevin Federline’s sex video of Britney?

Immoral publisher, Judith Regan, has paid OJ Simpson to write a book on how he would have committed the double murders. Upon hearing this, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson rose from the grave and said; “Uh, maybe we should re-think that whole freedom-of-the-press thing.”

Not to put too fine a point on Judith, but . . .
For her next project, Judith Regan will chronicle how she slathers herself with rancid rat fat and then slithers down into the steamy fetid sewers to orally molest innocent alligators.

Let's see if we can get Paris Hilton, Judith Regan and K-Fed together
On Howard Stern, Tina Fey said Paris Hilton was by far the worst guest host of “Saturday Night Live” describing Paris as despised by the staff, stupid, rude and a “piece of sh*t.” At this time I would like to announce publicly that I am deeply in love with Tina Fey.

And finally
A man in Wisconsin was arrested for having sex with a dead deer on the side of the road. The good news? He is sure to get a book deal from O.J.’s publisher, Judith Regan.

Friday, November 17, 2006

What? What? What? Oh now it’s on. Oh yes, itt’s on’r than a mother fizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

One just don’t cut it, trust me
“People” named George Clooney “Sexiest Man Alive” for the second time. That’s good because that one time “Sexiest Man Alive” title just doesn’t cut it with the ladies. You need the second title to have any shot.

I’mm ah Sexy mahhn
“People” named George Clooney “Sexiest Man Alive.” Man, just when you think Kevin Federline’s week couldn’t get any worse, he gets shot down for “Sexiest Man Alive.”

“People” named George Clooney “Sexiest Man Alive.” Can you imagine the pressure that goes with having the “Sexiest Man Alive” title? “Hey Sexiest Man Alive, even a two-minute egg takes two minutes. Sheesh. ”

“People” named George Clooney “Sexiest Man Alive.” Can you imagine the pressure that goes with having the “Sexiest Man Alive” title? “Hey Sexiest Man Alive, looks like that water must have been pretty cold.”

“Hey, sexiest man alive, wipe off that mustard on your chin that dripped off your corn dog.”

“Hey, sexiest man alive, would you mind lighting a match when you are finished in the bathroom?”

“Hey, Sexiest man alive, you might want to throw out those Spiderman underwear with all the holes in them.”

Fair is fair
Oprah Winfrey was not invited to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' wedding in Italy. That hardly seems fair since Oprah and Steadman’s relationship is the model for how Tom and Katie will base their own fake celebrity marriage.

Not a big seller
OJ Simpson has written a book on how he would have committed the double murders of which he was supposedly acquitted called; “If I Did It.” Sales are not expected to be brisk when you consider there are only twelve people in the world who don’t know how OJ did it: his jury.

Former Dallas Cowboy great Emmett Smith won “Dancing with the Stars.” There was a near tragedy: when it was announced that he won, Emmett picked up his dance partner, Cheryl Burke, and he almost spiked her.

You’d think that would do it. We kid the RR
A woman told the “Inquirer” that the husband of insanely perky cooking celebrity Rachel Ray paid her to spit on him and perform other humiliating sex acts. Amazingly just having to listen to Rachel Ray all the time just wasn’t enough abuse.

Do the math
President Bush is touring Asia. President Bush is particularly looking forward to traveling to Japan where the dollar to yen conversion is times 117 so Bush figures his approval rating will soar from 35% to 4,000%.

Not good
The bad news for Kevin Federline is that, despite a lot of promotion, his rap CD is 151st on the album charts. The really bad news for K-Fed.? There were only 140 albums released.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

What do they do to it when they do it to it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Saddam Hussein has been sentenced to hang before the end of the year. It was a little awkward, when informed Hussein would hang by the end of the annum, Bush said; “And I thought hanging by the neck would hurt.”

Shaken, not diddied
Sean “P Diddy” Combs said he wants to star in a James Bond movie. I think the working title is “Live and Let Diddy.”

That or the title will be “Thunderdiddy.”

Rap mogul Sean “P. Diddy” “Puff Daddy” Combs claims, through Tantric techniques, he had sex with his girlfriend for 28 hours. You can tell he isn’t married. No way he makes it 28 hours, he would be worn out by all the begging and apologizing.

Not to go into too much detail, but in order for Puff Daddy or P. Diddy to have sex for 28 hours it would require a lot of puffing on his diddy.

In fact, do you know what a married guy calls having sex for 28 hours? Yeah, I don’t know either.

Kevin Federline was very impressed when he heard P. Diddy had sex for 28 hours. His only question was how many video tapes did that take?

Not since then
Las Vegas Hotel Mogul Steve Wynn accidentally poked his elbow through his $139 million Picasso painting. That is the most money any man has lost with one poke since J. Howard Marshall married Anna Nicole Smith.

A history lesson
Rumor has it that Fidel Castro is dying and his net worth is $900 million dollars. As a result, Anna Nicole Smith is readying her very own version of the Bay of Pigs invasion.

Get it?
In addition to Greg Norman Estates Wines, many pro golfers own wineries. Arnold Palmer, Ernie Els and David Frost also have their own wine labels. Not only that, golfer John Daly’s four ex-wives all have their own wine. It goes like this: “But I don’t want to sign the prenuptial agreement, waah.”

Wal Mart is coming out with their own wine. The Wal Mart wine is available in both red and white. That’s red as in neck and white as in trash.

The new Wal Mart wine is said to subtle yet austere, bold yet palatable with just a hint of playful insouciance and a whole lot get yer keester all drunked up and such like.

Who knew?
In Hawaii, a woman, who was born male, but who had a sex change operation, won a statewide election. Ironically she led all the polls.

Thank you
Beyonce and Eva Longoria are going to co-star in a movie as lesbian lovers; it’s called “There is a God and He Loves Us.”

Beyonce and Eva Longoria are going to co-star in a movie as lesbian lovers; for us guys this movie is known as “Broke-elbow Mountain.”

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Step back wit’ yo’ good foot one time up in here, hmm, hmm, hmm, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The big game
The big game this weekend in college football is the #1 Ohio State Buckeyes against the #2 Michigan Wolverines in the game that features the two worst team nicknames since the U.C. Santa Cruz Banana Slugs faced off against the U.C. Irvine Anteaters in water ballet.

What, in god’s name, is a Buckeye? Isn’t it just a deformed acorn? And has anyone, anywhere, ever seen a Wolverine? Isn’t a Wolverine just a weasel with a publicist?

The two best team nickname matchup? Why USC versus Oregon State, of course. How can you not like the Trojans versus the Beavers?

Almost did it
Insiders say the real reason Britney Spears is divorcing Kevin Federline is that Britney feels threatened by the vast talent K-Fed exhibited in his rap CD . . hah, hah, hah. Shoot, I knew I couldn’t say that with a straight face.

Since you asked:

This week’s cornball clang, clang, clang line on “Studio 60”?

“Is it dangerous?”

“How would you like to be in Taliban controlled Afghanistan with an American flag on your shoulder building a school’?

Don’t get me wrong, I like the show but they got some real corn-ballers flying around in that thing.

Add a new staple to the Lex itinerary of recipes: Grilled Meatloaf Sandguido (Sandwich)

This is from Sam the Cooking Guy.

The meatloaf is the pretty normal recipe of ground sirloin, bread crumbs, an egg, garlic powder, cumin, salt pepper. But you also add diced green chili’s and some Worcestershire sauce. (I will never, ever, be able to spell that without looking it up)

You bake the meatloaf at 350 for 43 minutes which leaves it just a touch underdone. Then you slice it into thick slabs, slather it with your own barbeque sauce, pop it on a hot grill until it has grill marks, slice those slabs into thinner slices and serve on toasted sour dough bread with mayo, tomatoes and lettuce.

Perfect for a crisp, Fall football game featuring a deformed acorn and a snotty weasel with an attitude problem.

Monday, November 13, 2006

All I gots to say is whew, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Who'd a thunk it?
With the epidemic of Hollywood divorces there are a lot of single celebrity women: Whitney Houston, Reese Witherspoon, Hillary Swank, Jessica Simpson, and now Britney Spears. How sad is it when the most stable Hollywood relationship is Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?

Uber Super Duper Gay
There is a male celebrity impersonator, Eddie Edwards, who impersonates Cher and Barbra Streisand; upon hearing this Neil Patrick Harris said; “Apparently I’m not as gay as I thought.”

Never thought I would say it, but poor K-Fed
Reports are that Britney Spears informed Kevin Federline she was getting a divorce by text message. That is particularly harsh when you consider K-Fed can’t read.

According to the prenuptial agreement, Britney Spears would have to pay alimony to Kevin Federline of $30,000 a month. That would officially make Kevin Federline the most over-paid useless guy outside of the Oakland Raiders.

Rumor has it that the divorce between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline will be ugly. It might get to the point where K-Fed would have to work at K-Mart.

Since you asked:

Finally saw the “Borat” this weekend. My word. First of all, it is painfully funny and I think you should see it in the theater because it is a wild party-like atmosphere.

Secondly, unlike before, after seeing it all together instead of cleaned-up bit by bit on talk shows, I now don’t think you have to be a totally thin-skinned pain-in-the-ass to be offended by it. It can get pretty rough at times. The cringe factor is high. I spent a lot of time in that “I-don’t-want-to-look-but-I-have-to” mode.

Not that I was disappointed, but I do think I hosed myself from the total “Borat” experience by having seen so many of the clips ahead of time. It is, however, a marvel of movie making just to witness how ballsy everyone in-the-know in the movie was, especially Sacha Baron Cohen. Not to give anything away, but either Pamela Anderson is a far greater actress than anyone imagined or that Cohen guy is certifiably nuts.

And I did feel a little more empathy than I thought I would for the people who get duped; but they usually let you off the hook by ending up being total douche bags. This movie takes the joke way too far and then it hammers the accelerator.

Just the sheer ton of huevos this SBC guy exhibits is a marvel. Talk about stopping at nothing for a gag. When it comes to pulling all the stops for the sake of a joke, this Sacha guy makes the Farrelly (“Something About Mary” “King Pin”) brothers look like Bill Cosby in an ugly sweater.