Friday, November 10, 2006

What? I think you just got owned and honed to the bone, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Sounds familiar
The San Francisco 49ers announced that they would move from their home at Candlestick Park in San Francisco to Santa Clara, California by 2012. So in 2012, there will be no professional football team in San Francisco. Just like now.

Technical problems
There are reports of glitches in the computer voting machines; for example, three congressional seats were won by porn star Jenna Jamison.

Not that I know of
Research in England have plans to combine human cells and cow cells. Is there a White House intern shortage we don’t know about?

Research in England have plans to combine human cells and cow cells. It’s called Project Rosie O’Donnell.

Actor Neil Patrick Harris came out of the closet; this explains why Doogie Howser M.D. did that turn-your-head-and-cough test so darn much.

So embarrassing
Reportedly Britney Spears dumped Kevin Federline by text message. It was awkward, K-Fed had to ask the stripper on his lap to explain the big words.

Some things haven’t changed
After the elections, congress is now controlled by the Democrats. But the congressional pages are still controlled by the Republicans.

So gay
There is a male celebrity impersonator named Eddie Edwards who specializes in Cher and Barbra Streisand. A guy impersonating Cher and Barbra Steisand? That’s even too gay for pastor Ted Haggert.

There were signs that Evangelist leader Ted Haggert was gay. Like when the Village People replaced the Indian with a Pastor.

Hate to see that
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld resigned; that’s too bad, just when he was doing such a good job.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld resigned; Rumsfeld said he wants to spend more time instigating conflict within his family.

Rumsfeld didn’t actually resign. President Bush lined up his cabinet and said; “Everyone who works here take a step forward. Rummy, not so fast.”

Not good
The last game between the Seattle Seahawks and the Oakland Raiders was the lowest rated “Monday Night Football” game ever. The ratings were so low they almost aired it on NBC.

Food fight, pass the Freedom fries
The democrats won control of congress. You thought Republicans got in trouble before? Now that there are so many lame duck republicans, the capital is going to look like a frat house after it’s exiled from campus: toga parties, naked limbo dances, strip poker games, beer bongs.

Since you asked:
Not to over-sell it, but the movie “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” is so funny the theaters showing it are passing out free pairs of Depends.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

It is hard out here

All the good people here at a.L.B.b. would like to introduce a brand new feature we call:


What would Borat say?

Paris Hilton?

“Paris is a wery pretty. Especially for young boy. He would be big hit with dancer fancy boys at “Wizards of Ozeses” festival.”

Saddam Hussein?

“He is being too much of a nice guy pretty boy for being leader in my country, Kazakhstan. We prefer leaders who can hang rusty transmission from their testiesachels. I am hearing he is well hung, though.”

Britney Spears?

“Wery niiiice. I liiiiike. She is having so much, how you say, class? Wahwahweewhah. Oops I did it again, make too fast sexy time when think about her. I clean up.”

American NFL football?

“Is being like sport in my country called Pushanugginez except not with goats and they wear clothes. Our ball is also being skin of pig but with much less pointy gypsy head stuffed inside.”

Donald Trump?

It is being wery impressive how he is being able to comb his pubis over his head. In my country the harvest of all that pubis would be worthing of the lot of money. High five.”


It is hard out here

What up wit it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Five words
The election is today and it does not look good for republicans. In fact, there are only five words that could mess things up for the democrats: John Kerry Def Comedy Jam.

Camilla Parker Bowles is going to produce a television show about her marriage to Prince Charles. Right now they are in heated copyright talks with the former producers of “Mister Ed.”

If I had to guess
The star of CBS “How I Met Your Mother” Neil Patrick Harris announced to “People” that he is gay. So I guess how he met your mother was at the hair salon.

Long time
Rapper Snoop Doggy dog was charged with carrying a lethal weapon at an airport and could face three years on prison. That’s serious, it’s 21 years in Snoop Doggy dog years.

Old Don Meredith joke
A female school bus driver in Seattle was fired after she flipped her middle finger to President Bush’s motorcade. The White House tried to put a positive spin on it, they claim she was indicating that President Bush was number one.

Keeping track
The Oakland Raiders looked bad in their 16-0 loss to Seattle and even worse when Raider Tyler Brayton was ejected for kneeing Seahawk Jerramy Stevens in the groin. For those keeping score, Brayton has hit more balls this Fall than the Yankees Alex Rodriguez.

How hot is it?
It has been hot. I was sweating like President Dick Cheney’s election day hunting partner.

Dick Cheney announced he is going hunting on election day. Let’s face it, nothing takes your mind off of republicans losing elections like shooting a lawyer in the face.

Oh, we kid the Orpah
After losing 75 pounds, Kirsty Alley appeared on “Oprah” in a bikini. Oprah’s friend Gayle King was jealous, she’s usually the one on Oprah in a bikini.

Get it?
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married in Italy but nobody knows where in Italy. My guess? Bologna, because that’s what their marriage is full of.

Stiff and sore
Yesterday was the New York City marathon. And today, in Times Square, for an extra $50, the hookers will put salve on your gluteus.

Not clear on the concept
There was an awkward moment when it was announced Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death. When he heard Saddam will be hung, pastor Ted Haggert asked Saddam for a massage.

At least
Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the two hot Carolina Panther cheerleaders getting arrested for having sex together in a bar’s women’s bathroom then getting in a fight with patrons. The cheerleaders were charged with one count of resisting arrest, one count of battery and 356,000 counts of inducing tendonitis of the elbow.