Wednesday, November 08, 2006

It is hard out here

What up wit it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Five words
The election is today and it does not look good for republicans. In fact, there are only five words that could mess things up for the democrats: John Kerry Def Comedy Jam.

Camilla Parker Bowles is going to produce a television show about her marriage to Prince Charles. Right now they are in heated copyright talks with the former producers of “Mister Ed.”

If I had to guess
The star of CBS “How I Met Your Mother” Neil Patrick Harris announced to “People” that he is gay. So I guess how he met your mother was at the hair salon.

Long time
Rapper Snoop Doggy dog was charged with carrying a lethal weapon at an airport and could face three years on prison. That’s serious, it’s 21 years in Snoop Doggy dog years.

Old Don Meredith joke
A female school bus driver in Seattle was fired after she flipped her middle finger to President Bush’s motorcade. The White House tried to put a positive spin on it, they claim she was indicating that President Bush was number one.

Keeping track
The Oakland Raiders looked bad in their 16-0 loss to Seattle and even worse when Raider Tyler Brayton was ejected for kneeing Seahawk Jerramy Stevens in the groin. For those keeping score, Brayton has hit more balls this Fall than the Yankees Alex Rodriguez.

How hot is it?
It has been hot. I was sweating like President Dick Cheney’s election day hunting partner.

Dick Cheney announced he is going hunting on election day. Let’s face it, nothing takes your mind off of republicans losing elections like shooting a lawyer in the face.

Oh, we kid the Orpah
After losing 75 pounds, Kirsty Alley appeared on “Oprah” in a bikini. Oprah’s friend Gayle King was jealous, she’s usually the one on Oprah in a bikini.

Get it?
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married in Italy but nobody knows where in Italy. My guess? Bologna, because that’s what their marriage is full of.

Stiff and sore
Yesterday was the New York City marathon. And today, in Times Square, for an extra $50, the hookers will put salve on your gluteus.

Not clear on the concept
There was an awkward moment when it was announced Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death. When he heard Saddam will be hung, pastor Ted Haggert asked Saddam for a massage.

At least
Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the two hot Carolina Panther cheerleaders getting arrested for having sex together in a bar’s women’s bathroom then getting in a fight with patrons. The cheerleaders were charged with one count of resisting arrest, one count of battery and 356,000 counts of inducing tendonitis of the elbow.