Friday, October 13, 2006

Step off wit’ yo’ good foot, come on now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Get back up there
“The National Enquirer” claims that Prince Charles has separated from Camilla; Charles should start dating soon, once you get thrown off a horse, it’s important to get right back on another one.

Two words: cha and ching
A $200 million dollar ad campaign came up with a new motto for the Army: Army Strong. That’s $100 million a word. That’s the most anyone has gotten for two words since Kevin Federline said “I do.”

Oh sure
Scientists are now saying that North Korea attempted to test a nuclear bomb but it did not go off. Asked to comment, an embarrassed North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il replied; “I swear this has never happened before.”

The bitch is back
What is the deal with Kim Jong Il? He wears big huge glasses, he has platform shoes and a really weird hairdo. He is just one civil partnership from being Elton John.

Army Inarticulate
The Army has changed their motto from an Army of One to Army Strong. The bad news? Today Army Strong tested positive for steroids.

This Army Strong campaign has worked so well they are extending it to other government groups; Congressman Grope, I.R.S. Sucks and FEMA blows.

Can you believe the mouth on that liberal?
At her concert in New York, Barbra Streisand told a front row heckler to shut the F up.
In fact, Streisand was so angry, so foul-mouthed, so indignant, she is going to get her own show on Fox News.

Nice try, counselor
In Ohio, a city prosecutor was charged with indecency after a security camera caught him walking around their government offices naked. He claims he was just preparing his briefs.

So he wasn’t that bad
On “Good Morning America” Mel Gibson told Diane Sawyer he was insane when he went on his drunken anti-Semitic tirade. But to Mel’s credit, even though he was smashed, he didn’t once send a horny e-mail to a male teenage page.

On “Good Morning America” Mel Gibson told Diane Sawyer he was sorry about his DUI but it happened because he was upset about being the possible father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.

Mel said he had to go home and have a few beers to tell his children about his arrest. And nothing sends a message to children that you are sorry about a DUI like knocking back a few cold ones.

Good news bad news
Indiana Pacers guard Stephan Jackson was charged with criminal recklessness after firing a gun off in the air outside of an Indianapolis strip club. On the bright side, Jackson was named an honorary Cincinnati Bengal for the week.

As expected
A Muslim leader in Iran has called for his followers to not masturbate during the holy month of Ramadan. As a result the number of volunteer suicide bombers has skyrocketed.

Power of positive thinking
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was on last night. Whatever you think about Arnold, you cannot deny the guy is the most optimistic guy in the world. Just to give you an idea how optimistic Arnold is, today he bought Oakland A’s tickets for games six and seven.

Since you asked:
In defense of the people who defended Mel Gibson as not meaning what he said while smashed on Tequila, I neglected to present some of the Tequila fueled lies that come from women. This accidental omission was corrected by the very talented comedy writer, Janice Hough:

"And adding to your in vino veritas. Yeah right. But what makes you think it is only men? Here's a fewfrom the other side. (and I have been married for 24years but I have friends of both sexes that date.)

I never do this on the first date.

You're the first guy I've ever met in a bar.

I haven't had a sexual relationship in over a year, and then it was ONLY with my serious boyfriend.

I hate shopping, I would so much rather read.

Shoes, oh I probably have 3 or 4 pair.

You're the best ever.

These? Of course they're real.

I'd never fake it with you.

I don't understand why women wear so much makeup. (often spoken by someone who puts it on with a trowel)

I would never have plastic surgery (unless I couldafford it or marry someone rich.)

Oh, of course I am on the pill.(in the context of, okay, you said you are not seriousand even though I want kids and to get married I am okay with casual sex.) "


Thursday, October 12, 2006

What it did is was what it did do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Say what?
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richey were spotted together at a Los Angeles steak house; that is the most shocking thing I’ve ever heard. Nicole Richey was in a steak house?

Nicole Richey and Paris Hilton were seen having dinner. Finally, our long national nightmare is over.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richey were spotted together at a Los Angeles steak house; there was an embarrassing moment when a customer mistook Nicole for a toothpick and stuck her in his mouth.

Poor crazy dictator
You have to feel a little sorry for North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. He decides to shock the world with his announcement that he has tested a nuclear bomb and then Nicole Richey and Paris Hilton are seen together and it’s pushed off the front page.

Good thinking
Iran’s Muslim leader has ordered no masturbating for the month of Ramadan; that’s good because those Iranian Islamic fundamentalists weren’t quite grumpy enough.

Iran’s Muslim leader has ordered no masturbating for the month of Ramadan; it’s not going well, guys are quitting Islam hand over fist.

Iran’s Muslim leader has ordered no masturbating for the month of Ramadan; guess we don’t have to worry about Mark Foley converting to Islam anytime soon.

Apparently the guy got the idea from watching a “Seinfeld” rerun of “The Contest.”

Not too long if you know what I mean
In New Jersey a 32-year-old female gym teacher confessed to having a long term sexual relationship with a 13-year-old boy. When I was 13, a long term sexual relationship was about thirty-five seconds.

Well, yeah, except for them
Bill Clinton has gotten together with the makers of children’s snacks to cut out fat. Everyone knows Bill Clinton hates fat in everything except maybe in his White House Interns.

Some good news
John Kerry said he feels like running for president again. Finally some good news to cheer up the Republicans.

John Kerry said he feels like running for president again. Again? When did Kerry run the first time?

A distant last at that
A former winter Olympic cross country skier, John Farra and his wife, Tess, won the seventh annual North American Wife Carrying Championship in Maine. Do you know who finished last? Al Reynolds and Star Jones.

Can’t say it but he can do it
The polls indicate Arnold Schwarzenegger is a huge favorite to be reinstated in the California gubernatorial election. Even though there is no possible way that Arnold could ever correctly pronounce the words: reinstated in the California gubernatorial election.

Mistaken identity
California Police arrested an 83-year-old woman who had 10 pounds of crystal meth strapped to her back. It turns out they only thought it was an 83-year-old woman, it was really Whitney Houston.
Since you asked:

Although our older sweet but worried Labrador Kasey is the picture of concentration, especially when it comes to food (I still maintain Kasey will live to be 30 out of the fear that, if she died, she’d miss a meal) our younger hound-doggy Labrador, Wrigley has a somewhat shorter attention span.

How short is Wrigley’s attention span? Wrigley doesn’t just have Attention Deficit Disorder, Wrigley has Attention Absence Disorder. No lie, from the time Wrigley gets a thought in his big dumb cute sweet head, like to go chase a ball, or lick himself, until the time he gets distracted by something else cannot be timed without a watch that measures one hundredths of a spit second.

It isn’t that Wrigley isn’t house trained, because he kind of is. But when he gets excited – like he did when he discovered we had a tree in the house at Christmas time – he gets so wrapped up and swept away in his Attention Absence Disorder, that he forgets that he isn’t outside. When he suddenly realizes he is peeing inside the house, he gets the most amazing “What? What am I doing wrong?” look on his face. But then, he has that look on his face a lot.

Come to think of it, about the only time Wrigley doesn’t have a “What? What am I doing wrong?” look on his face is when he is getting his butt scratched or his tummy rubbed. Then he has a look of pure Zen-like bliss minus the deep existential tranquility.

Mel tells.

How you fall on the Mel thing says as much about you as it does about Mel. Those who say forget the whole thing, he was merely drunk are going to do that regardless and those who want to hate him for what he said are going to do that. Nothing will change their mind.

As for the Mel haters, there is the subject of In Vino Veritas. There is truth in wine. Really? Maybe. But Tequila is one lying son of a bitch. The range and extent of lies told while under the grips of Tequila are too many to list. A short list include:

My crazy friend told me about this place. I never come here.

Do you know anything about Track and Field? No? Well I won the Olympic Decathlon. Twice.

Look at her. She actually thinks guys are attracted to girls with fake boobs. Just look at her.

No, that is really interesting. Tell me more about your major in French Poetry.

You want to get married and have kids? What a coincidence.

Me? Oh, I’ve only been with a few women. Why? What do you think is a lot? Really? I’m just under that.

No, I can drive.

This is a loaner, my car is in the shop. Those Ferrari’s are nice put high maintenance.

Oh this is just the place I rent when I am in town on business. My real house is in Malibu.

Of course I’ve never played Strip Darts before. I just thought of it.

Of course I love you. Why else would I want to make love to you, silly?

Wow, this has never happened before.

So, so sorry. I’ll pay to have it dry cleaned.

No, I promise I will call you.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

It is hard out here

Drop it like it’s snot, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That should do it
Baghdad has established a curfew. And if the terrorists do not adhere to the curfew they are like so totally grounded for a whole week.

Now that’s post season useless
$25 million-a-year New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez continued to bat under .100 for the post season. The only way A-Rod could be more useless in the post-season is if he was a Chicago Cub.

Not seeing it
After a wild week of self-promotion and over-publicity including a pain-killer over-dose, Terrell Owens dropped several passes in the Cowboys 38-24 loss to Philadelphia Eagles. T.O. once compared himself to Jesus. Really? Maybe the holes in the hands.

Owens publicist then announced Terrell experienced an accidental reaction to having too much butter on his fingers.

Terrell Owens is releasing a children’s book. called “Little T. Learns to Share.” It is object lesson for kids in hypocrisy and irony..

Busy place
Paris Hilton got punched in the face at a popular Hollywood nightclub. You thought that nightclub was popular before? Wait until people find out they can go there and punch Paris Hilton in the face.

Paris should not have been surprised. Friday night was Crank A Skank Night.

That would be the last thing a kid needs
You know what a new report claims kids need to stay mentally healthy? More free play time. You know the last thing a kid needs to stay mentally healthy? Mark Foley’s e-mail address.

North Korea claims they have tested their first nuclear device. And the microwave worked fine.

Why? Why so mean to my beloved Cubbies?
Rumor has it that New York Yankee manager Joe Torre may become the manager for the Chicago Cubs. Apparently Torre wants to take even more time off during the post season.

Raider Nation decapitation
After losing to the San Francisco Forty Niners 34-20. the Oakland Raiders are 0-4 and, including last season, have now lost ten in a row. It is so bad that the Raiders announced they were molested by a Pirate and have checked into rehab.

They are doing so bad they will have to change their name to the Republican Congressmen.

Pope upsets gay Muslims
Pope Benedict spoke out against gays calling them the greatest threat to marriage. The Pope went on to add that, although gays are the greatest threat to marriage, they are the biggest help when it comes to wedding planning.

“Oh, snap, girlfriend, you are so not dropping those tacky floral invitations on my gay behind.”

That’s a lot of guys looking to score
During their 3-1 playoff loss to the St. Louis Cardinals, the San Diego Padres were only 2- 32 with runners in scoring position. The Padres stranded more men about to score than Paris Hilton’s last S.T.D.

Oh no I di’’nt.
New Yorkers are still in shock at how badly the Yankees did in the playoffs. In fact, in Times Square, the Hookers are offering a Yankees special: they suck with guys in scoring position.

Yes he wases our widdle Wovie dovie, yes he wases
The Chicago Bears beat the Buffalo Bills 40-7 for their fifth straight win. The Bears coach Lovie Smith, is doing so well that, for the first time this year, hard core, tough Chicago Bears fans can actually admit their coach’s name is Lovie.