Friday, June 16, 2006

It is hard out here

We done with the random up in this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A bomb killed Iraq’s head terrorist, Zarqawi; more bad news for Zarqawi, you know those 70 virgins he’s supposed to get in heaven? There was a paper work screw up and Zarqawi got one 70-year-old virgin.

Uh, not quite
Investigators discovered that over a billion dollars of hurricane relief money was spent fraudulently including a $200 bottle of champagne at a strip club. When asked why he spent the relief money at a strip club, the man said;

“When they said this money was for Katrina, I assumed she was a stripper.”
Not easy to score
At the World Cup, France and Switzerland played to a 0-0 tie. Nothing to nothing. Of course it is tough to score when one side is neutral and the other side keeps surrendering.

Not long afterwards
On this date in 1951, The Rand Corporation delivered the first corporate computer, a UNIVAC, to the U.S. Census Bureau.  And one week later, a U.S. Census Bureau employee became the first person to be fired for downloading pornography.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
In a much anticipated World Cup match, Brazil beat Croatia 1-0, it was a little awkward when they asked President Bush who he preferred, Brazil or Croatia, Bush replied;

“I don’t follow all the popular pop singers.”

Not the same
40,000 prostitutes have flocked to Germany for the World Cup; sex with a prostitute during the Soccer World Cup is a little different. For example, you can’t use your hands.

Uh no Sir
President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq.  But I think Bush got confused, he stepped out of Air Force one, saw the desert and then gave a speech promising to stop immigrants from crossing the Mexican border.

Not working
Texas has cameras along the Mexican border so that anyone with Internet access can report on illegals trying to enter the country. I’m not sure the Internet spying is working. Today it was reported that the border was breached by 5,000 Catholic school girls, 4,000 Cheerleaders and 3,000 French maids.

Little known fact
On this date in 1940, the Nazis marched into Paris. What a lot of people don’t know is that, a week later, half the Nazis marched back out of Paris because of the lousy and rude service afforded tourists at Parisian restaurants.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

It is hard out here

They gotta let go from the get go, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not since then
The World Cup host Germans are going crazy for the World Cup matches and Americans don’t seem to care; in fact, this is the most excited Germans have been about something Americans don’t care about since David Hasselhof’s singing career.

Today 769 movie theaters dropped “Mission Impossible 3” I don’t want to say “Mission Impossible 3” is a disaster but al-Zarqawi didn’t have as big a bomb dropped on him.

Not good
In the first game of the NBA finals, the Dallas Mavericks defeated the Miami Heat 90-80. Miami center Shaquille O’Neal missed nine free throws in a row until he made one when it didn’t matter. He missed eight free throws in a row. Even Dick Cheney can shoot better than that.

A man in Alabama was arrested for having sex with a pony. Disgustingly, the guy wasn’t talking about his raspy voice when he said he was feeling a little horse.

A man in Alabama was arrested for having sex with a pony. Hey, Alabama, look at the bright side, at least he wasn’t related to the pony.

Where is the love?
The big news is Iraq’s top al Qaeda’s terrorist, al- Zarqawi, was killed. The rumor is that al-Zarqawi was given up by a fellow al Qaeda terrorist. Whatever happened to the special bond of trust that used to exist between terrorists?

Natalie Mensa
The Dixie Chicks concert ticket sales are way down because fans were insulted by disparaging comments about country music listeners by lead singer Natalie Maines. Look for the Dixie Chicks next single; “Hey Natalie, shut up and sing.”  

We’ve seen this before
The World Cup of Soccer starts this weekend. Some experts predict the host team, Germany, could win it all. They might, as we already know, Germany will walk right through France.

The World Cup starts this weekend. My favorite game is when Germany plays France; after the opening kickoff, the French start playing for the Germans.

Same thing
In the middle of her publicized divorce of Paul McCartney, an Internet site has pictures of Heather McCartney engaging in hard core porn. Not to get too graphic, but the pictures show a guy doing to Heather what Heather wants to do to Paul in the divorce settlement.

Yah mannn
Banned for a year from the NFL for multiple failed pot tests, Miami Dolphin stoner Ricky Williams has signed with the Toronto Argonauts. Why Toronto? Because they don’t have a football team in Kingston, Jamaica.

Sorry, but I have to
In the middle of her publicized divorce of Sir Paul McCartney, an Internet site has pictures of Heather McCartney engaged in hard core porn. Heather is furious, even for a one-legged woman, she was hopping mad.

Heather was going to sue the tabloid, but, her case doesn’t have a leg to stand on.