Thursday, March 09, 2006

It is hard out here

Off to show those tee totaling Mormons how to jack it up in Park City, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The United States lost to Canada 8-6 in the first round of the World Baseball Classic. That has to be the biggest shocker since “Brokeback Mountain” lost to “Crash” at the gay Oscars.

And celebrities wonder why we think they are weird.
On “The View” Donald Trump admitted that if Ivanka Trump wasn’t his daughter, he’d like to date her. To which Woody Allen asked; “So what’s the problem?”

Since you asked:
The most boring sentence begins with “I had the weirdest dream . . . .”

So, anyway, I had the weirdest dream last night. I was decorating a Christmas tree at Conan O’Brien’s studio hallway with Conan, and I was laboriously explaining a potential bit:

“You know how at Christmas time the lights are brighter, Christmas carols are playing on the stereo, the doorbell rings, the dog barks, as happy guests shriek delighted greetings and laughter mixes with the sound of ice clinking in cocktail glasses.”

“Then at five p.m. on Christmas day, the color drains from the world, the mood sinks and suddenly you are in a black and white movie filmed in cold war Warsaw in 1955 in a ratty coat standing in a bread line with a welfare coupon for a small piece of dried-up sausage.”

Conan just looked at me deadpanned and then said;

“OK, that’s an interesting concept, just work on it until it is something.”

Even his red pompadour seemed to mock me.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

It is hard out here

Here at “A Little Bit Bad” we have received the following statement on the growing drug accusations against Barry Bonds.

Barry Bonds attorney, Michael Rains, issued a statement. Please allow me to summarize;

“Poor, poor Barry. Everyone is out to get Barry and they always have been out to get him. Why? Because they are jealous and greedy. All poor Barry has ever wanted to do is go about his saintly way of playing baseball, but no, everyone is out to attack poor Barry with lies, lies I tell you.

In fact, anyone and everyone who says anything bad about Barry is either a liar, or a whore, or both. Filthy lying whores all.

In addition, nothing is, nor has it ever been, Barry’s fault. Ever. As Barry’s fellow misunderstood persecuted icon Terrell Owens put it so modestly, eloquently and accurately by comparing himself to our lord and Savior;

“Remember, people hated on Jesus too.”

“Amen. Let us pray for Barry.”  

“P.S. F.Y.I., I, Barry’s lawyer, Michael Rains, am a wretched and soulless tool.”

It is hard out here

What? What? What? Oh, haaaaaiiil no, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh, yes it is, Yanni, yes it is
New age musician Yanni got tossed in jail for domestic abuse. When asked to comment, Yanni simply said; “It’s hard out here for a pimp.”

Yo, duck over here
“The Sopranos” returns to HBO Sunday night. In the first episode Tony tries to shoot a lawyer but accidentally hits a quail instead.

Sign him up
A new book on Barry Bonds detailed in “Sports Illustrated” reveals that Bonds was a jealous, bigoted, angry, vain, philandering, lying, drug-using cheater. In short, Bonds is a perfect Congressional candidate.

A new book on Barry Bonds reveals that Bonds knowingly took steroids and human growth hormone; the evidence became obvious when Bonds muscles and skull grew grotesquely huge as he developed a love of distant violin music and an enraged terror when around fire.

A new book on Barry Bonds reveals that Bonds knowingly took steroids and human growth hormone; you would have thought Bonds teammates might have noticed something was unusual when, before each game, Bonds had to be reanimated with lightening shot into his neck bolts.

A book on Barry Bonds detailed in “Sports Illustrated” reveals an unflattering portrait of Bonds including details from an ex-girlfriend who said Bonds experienced sexual dysfunction. But those sensitive ball players won’t exploit that. You’ve heard of the high five? Here comes the Barry Bonds Low One.

Not clear on any concept
A Los Angeles judge has issued a restraining order against Paris Hilton because she threatened and harassed an event planner, Brian Quintana. When asked to comment on the restraining order, a confused Paris asked; “Does that mean I can’t, like, have sex with him?”

Paris doesn’t get it. When told of her restraining order, Paris said; “Oh goody, I like being restrained, especially with mink-lined handcuffs.”

Since you asked:

Did I ever tell you my Barry Bonds story? It’s a good one. Forgive me if you’ve heard this.

So there I am the way god intended a loyal Cub fan to be, in Wrigley Field, basking in the early gloaming behind home plate sotted to the gills with Old Style beer watching the Cubbies beat up the San Francisco Giants. (This had to be around ’93 when Barry Bonds was new to the Giants)

Suddenly Barry strides out from the dug out and kneels down in the on-deck circle right in front of me. You know how, in person, certain things hit you that don’t hit you on TV and pictures? It hit me that, for a guy playing a sport, Barry Bonds wore an awful lot of jewelry. He has since toned it down, but on that day, the sun hit his diamond cross earring, his huge diamond stud other earring, and five or six shiny gold chains of various length with various diamonds.

Before I could even think, in a moment of dead silence, I heard myself shout loudly:

“Hey Barry, your wife said she wants you to stop wearing her damn jewelry.”

Not to brag, but you had to be there. Everyone in earshot – and that includes about twenty rows – cracked up. Then the wildest thing happened. Barry put his head down, and suddenly, you could see his shoulders bouncing up and down. What? The man was cracking up too. Then he turned in my direction and nodded his head in approval with the thumbs up sign as if to say; “Good one.”

Dammit to hell. Here I had been a devoted Barry Bonds hater and what does he do? He laughs at one of my jokes. Now I can’t hate him even if I try.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t write mean-spirited jokes about him. In that regard he is like the French – except Bonds has a sense of humor.

It is hard out here

A tell-all book on Barry Bonds reveals that Barry became a heavy performance drug user due to jealousy over the Sammy Sosa/Mark McGuire home run race in 1998. You don’t think steroids help? In ‘98 Sosa hit 20 home runs in June alone. After the steroid crack down, last year he only hit 15 all season and he may retire. That’s the worst slide this side of rock guitar stud Eddie Van Halen turning into a half melted Wicked Witch of the West.

When did this happen?,0,

Not sure which is worse, the way Eddie looks or the fact that Eddie looks like that and still is sporting a hot date.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

It is hard out here

I’m in earnest, it can be difficult for the business manager of female professional escorts. Ho’s be Squirrelly, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

No problem
President Bush admitted he has not seen “Brokeback Mountain.” But that won’t stop Bush from selling Brokeback Mountain to Dubai.

Coming up
You want to know what the big thing is going to be during Spring Break? College kids in bars buying the big new drink called the Dick Cheney. It’s a shot for a friend.

Saw this one coming
As expected, there were quite a few “Brokeback Mountain” jokes at the Academy Awards; some people are tired of the “Brokeback Mountain” jokes, but, face it, like it or not, “Brokeback Mountain” is always going to be the butt of jokes.

“Brokeback Mountain” is the movie that brought a whole new meaning to saddle sore.

Who knew?
New age keyboardist Yanni was arrested for domestic abuse; Yanni was arrested after recording his next single, a remake of Prodigy’s “Smack My Bitch Up.”

Apparently boring someone to death is now considered domestic abuse.

Yanni was charged with two counts of battery and one count of non-funkieness.

Not even gonna guess
President Bush has declared war on pornography. Here is my question, if we win the war on pornography and the porn stars are able to vote, what gets dipped in purple ink?

President Bush has declared war on pornography. The war on pornography will be fought on many fronts. And on many backs, and on knees and elbows and on some upside downs.

The good news
In New York, actress Drew Barrymore and her boyfriend were caught in the Metropolitan Opera House bathroom having sex; The best part? The sex wasn’t over until the fat lady sang.

Hurry up
Spring break is coming up. All you kids hustle up and get down there before President Bush sells all the beaches to the Arabs.

SI scoop
The “Sports Illustrated” cover story breaks out the truth about the depth and the deceit of Barry Bonds steroid use. When asked to comment, an angry Barry Bonds yelled;

“Sports Illustrated can kiss my horribly shrunken testicles.”

The “Sports Illustrated” cover story reveals that Barry Bonds lied so much about taking steroids, lying-on Oprah-author James Frey is going to write Bonds’s biography.

Puisque vous avez demandé :
Because of a joke I wrote about the French downhill gold medal winner having an unfair advantage because his coach told him the German army was marching up the other side of the mountain, I am now the anti-Jerry Lewis of France as well as Canada.

An anti-French-bashing French Canadian Internet columnist has been all over me and his angry Gaelic minions are sending me all kinds of nasty, bitter e-mails. In short I am hated all over France as well as Canada. This is the highest possible honor. Merci.

By the way, did you hear the French are making their own version of “Brokeback Mountain”? It is called “Est cassé de Epine Montagne” and it is very touching: two cowboys take turns surrendering to each other. Now, I don’t want to give anything away, but, in this one, the bad guy gets it in the end.

(Apologies to Tina Fey’s Father)

Ho’s B. Squirrelly is my new band

Since you asked:
The wildly mixed reviews of Jon Stewart’s yeoman-like Oscar hosting speaks to my point about humorless humor critics. If you say Jon Stewart bombed it says much more about you than it does Jon Stewart. Stewart’s jokes were witty, well-told, timely and good natured. So what if snotty movie stars and snotty critics, like they do with themselves, took the jokes too seriously? (See: Tom Shales, an absolute world class jerk who first crucified David Letterman and Conan O’Brien until other critics praised them, then he turned a hypocritical one eighty and now gushes over them)

Some bug-up-the-butt woman critic from the New York Times absolutely drilled Stewart. Now, we all know there is a check-your-sense-of-humor-at-the-door rule at the New York Times, but this woman was icy and snotty even for the NYT.

Stewart was a good host to a truly boring Oscars. JS was dignified and reverent while being quick and insightful. The more I hear actors speak on their own the more I am impressed with their writers. (See: Jack Nicholson, and just about all actors except George Clooney and Alec Baldwin, self-righteous and heavy-handed politics aside)

Time to stick our heads under the hairdryers
Guess who my sources say will soon pass Steven Segal as the biggest A-Hole in Hollywood, since the death of Don Simpson? Hint: he starred in a movie that rhymes with the word gay. Still don’t have it? His pseudonym rhymes with Mamie Rocks.

Kirby Puckett, Rest in peace
Sad. Truly sad. Terribly sad.

Anyone, and I include myself in this category, who ever once considered themselves a serious athlete, has had, or will have, a real tough day. A brutal day. A day many will fight against the rest of their lives. That is the day when you are, for the first time and forever after, no longer a genuine participant in the sport you have loved all of your life. Kirby had that day thrown at him like a 98-mph bean ball.

At the press conference announcing his retirement due to blindness in one eye from glaucoma, Kirby was the picture of class. Turns out it was all steps going down after that. Over time, Kirby’s behavior and his appearance revealed that this was one horribly lost human being.

Hopefully, somewhere, Kirby Puckett is playing baseball again.

Monday, March 06, 2006

It is hard out here

It is hard out here for a pimp, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Get it?
“Brokeback Mountain” has done a relatively low $45 million at the box office. But because of the Oscar publicity, when the DVD comes out and it goes to cable experts say “Brokeback Mountain” will get a huge push from the back end.

“Crash” won best picture at the Academy Awards; “Crash” is about racism in Los Angeles, it is not about Bode Miller’s Olympics.

How gay are they?
Because of “Brokeback Mountain” and “Capote” and “TransAmerica” this Academy Awards has been dubbed the gay Oscars; in fact, these Oscars were any gayer they’d be called “The Tonys.”

A friend of mine really wanted the gay cowboy movie to win best picture; at least I hope that’s what he meant when he said he was really pushing hard for “Brokeback Mountain.”

The best picture went to “Crash” but insiders say “Brokeback Mountain” almost came from behind to win.

Roger that
Congressman and former fighter ace Randy “Duke” Cunningham was sentenced to eight years in prison for accepting bribes. It’s sad, Cunningham’s call sign in prison will change from “Duke” to “Duchess.”

Two time winner
“It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp” won the Oscar for best original song. “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp” also won the award for the song President Bush will never, ever, understand.

Good host
Jon Stewart did a good job hosting the Oscars but the too-cool Hollywood hot shot crowd was tough. Dick Cheney laughed harder at Stewart’s Dick Cheney joke.

Jon Stewart did a good job hosting the Oscars but the too-cool Hollywood crowd was tough. The last time I saw that many shots of frozen smiles, David Letterman was introducing Oprah to Uma.

At the Oscars, did you see the shots of Jaoquin Phoenix in the audience? He couldn’t have looked more uncomfortable if he was sitting in a proctologist’s waiting room.

Not his year
It was sad, at the Oscars, Bode Miller was nominated for best underachiever but, sadly, he was going too fast on the red carpet, missed going through the metal detector and was disqualified.

Oh goody
The Oscar presenter Goody bag was worth over $100,000. Thank goodness, I couldn’t sleep because I was worried that Jack Nicholson went home empty-handed.

And Hollywood actually wonders why the rest of the world thinks they are out of touch; “Excuse me, Mr. Steven Spielberg, before you climb into your Hummer limousine to go home to your palatial beach estate, don’t forget your $100,000 Oscar Goody bag.”

The Oscars didn’t all go smoothly. Sadly, after his best supporting actor acceptance speech, George Clooney had to be treated for a sore shoulder, he strained it patting himself on the back for Hollywood’s politics.

How did the $100,000 Oscar goody bag get its start? Did some guy actually say; “It is just not enough that these rich beautiful pampered movie stars get endless awards, we need to do more. I know, a sack full of a hundred grand worth of free crap, yeah, that should do it.”

Since you asked Sunday morning Coff-ay style:

Good Google a Moogle I feel good, hah, like I knew that I would, child. After a lovely Mexican repast at En Fuego in Del Mar followed by a gorgeous Sunset Saturday night with Virg and Miss thing, I got up at the unheard of 5:00 am on Sunday and prepared for a 30 mile bike ride with my Ironman buddy, Dave.

My goodness it was cold and it just got colder as a front was heading in. At 6:05 am, we rode hard for two hours including maintaining 12 mph up a steep and long hill. 30+ on the same section coming down. Gassed. And my feet were frozen blocks of ice and my fingertips were screaming. God bless the hot shower, the fleece top, jeans and Ugg boots and piping hot French roast coff-ay. With a dash of cinnamon. (No, I am not gay, not that there is a single thing wrong with it)

But the best part is being completely worked out by 8:00 on Sunday. Big day ahead of watching golf and couch surfing. Making a grilled pineapple and Canadian bacon pizza for the Oscars. (We were going to do the traditional Chinese food, but we had that Friday night) First grill the Canuck bacon and the pineapple, then grill the dough on the upside, add sauce, cheese and toppings and shut off the middle grill and bake it right on the grill adding some soaked hickory chips on the fire.

When is HBO’s “Deadwood” coming back? It is probably not good that I admit this, but there is one scene I envy when the sinister bar owner and town manipulator and aptly-named Al Swearengen mutters under his breath; “I need to f*ck something.” And then he yells to the hardened but-heart-of-gold pretty hooker, Trixie, “Trixie, come up here, and bring a bottle.”

Just once I’d like to yell that and not have someone laugh.

Is that asking so much?

Sunday, March 05, 2006

We up and at it to c

We up and at it to combat it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Jessica Alba insists that “Playboy” pull the March issue because she didn’t approve being on the cover; it also wasn’t the first time the words Jessica Alba, Playboy and pull were used together.

The Senate approved the Patriot act; it was awkward when, upon hearing this, President Bush said; “That’s great for the Patriots but I am a Cowboy fan.”

On this date 15 years ago, the Rodney King beating arrest occurred and was recorded on video tape. It brought a whole new meaning in Los Angeles to when the police treat you like a King.

Another big snow storm hit New York City. There hasn’t been this much powder in New York since Kate Moss was in town for Fashion week.

George Bush’s approval rating is a paltry 34%. To show how bad that is, in the Mid East, Danish Muslim cartoons have a 36% approval rate.