It is hard out here
What? What? What? Oh, haaaaaiiil no, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Oh, yes it is, Yanni, yes it is
New age musician Yanni got tossed in jail for domestic abuse. When asked to comment, Yanni simply said; “It’s hard out here for a pimp.”
Yo, duck over here
“The Sopranos” returns to HBO Sunday night. In the first episode Tony tries to shoot a lawyer but accidentally hits a quail instead.
Sign him up
A new book on Barry Bonds detailed in “Sports Illustrated” reveals that Bonds was a jealous, bigoted, angry, vain, philandering, lying, drug-using cheater. In short, Bonds is a perfect Congressional candidate.
A new book on Barry Bonds reveals that Bonds knowingly took steroids and human growth hormone; the evidence became obvious when Bonds muscles and skull grew grotesquely huge as he developed a love of distant violin music and an enraged terror when around fire.
A new book on Barry Bonds reveals that Bonds knowingly took steroids and human growth hormone; you would have thought Bonds teammates might have noticed something was unusual when, before each game, Bonds had to be reanimated with lightening shot into his neck bolts.
A book on Barry Bonds detailed in “Sports Illustrated” reveals an unflattering portrait of Bonds including details from an ex-girlfriend who said Bonds experienced sexual dysfunction. But those sensitive ball players won’t exploit that. You’ve heard of the high five? Here comes the Barry Bonds Low One.
Not clear on any concept
A Los Angeles judge has issued a restraining order against Paris Hilton because she threatened and harassed an event planner, Brian Quintana. When asked to comment on the restraining order, a confused Paris asked; “Does that mean I can’t, like, have sex with him?”
Paris doesn’t get it. When told of her restraining order, Paris said; “Oh goody, I like being restrained, especially with mink-lined handcuffs.”
Since you asked:
Did I ever tell you my Barry Bonds story? It’s a good one. Forgive me if you’ve heard this.
So there I am the way god intended a loyal Cub fan to be, in Wrigley Field, basking in the early gloaming behind home plate sotted to the gills with Old Style beer watching the Cubbies beat up the San Francisco Giants. (This had to be around ’93 when Barry Bonds was new to the Giants)
Suddenly Barry strides out from the dug out and kneels down in the on-deck circle right in front of me. You know how, in person, certain things hit you that don’t hit you on TV and pictures? It hit me that, for a guy playing a sport, Barry Bonds wore an awful lot of jewelry. He has since toned it down, but on that day, the sun hit his diamond cross earring, his huge diamond stud other earring, and five or six shiny gold chains of various length with various diamonds.
Before I could even think, in a moment of dead silence, I heard myself shout loudly:
“Hey Barry, your wife said she wants you to stop wearing her damn jewelry.”
Not to brag, but you had to be there. Everyone in earshot – and that includes about twenty rows – cracked up. Then the wildest thing happened. Barry put his head down, and suddenly, you could see his shoulders bouncing up and down. What? The man was cracking up too. Then he turned in my direction and nodded his head in approval with the thumbs up sign as if to say; “Good one.”
Dammit to hell. Here I had been a devoted Barry Bonds hater and what does he do? He laughs at one of my jokes. Now I can’t hate him even if I try.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t write mean-spirited jokes about him. In that regard he is like the French – except Bonds has a sense of humor.
Oh, yes it is, Yanni, yes it is
New age musician Yanni got tossed in jail for domestic abuse. When asked to comment, Yanni simply said; “It’s hard out here for a pimp.”
Yo, duck over here
“The Sopranos” returns to HBO Sunday night. In the first episode Tony tries to shoot a lawyer but accidentally hits a quail instead.
Sign him up
A new book on Barry Bonds detailed in “Sports Illustrated” reveals that Bonds was a jealous, bigoted, angry, vain, philandering, lying, drug-using cheater. In short, Bonds is a perfect Congressional candidate.
A new book on Barry Bonds reveals that Bonds knowingly took steroids and human growth hormone; the evidence became obvious when Bonds muscles and skull grew grotesquely huge as he developed a love of distant violin music and an enraged terror when around fire.
A new book on Barry Bonds reveals that Bonds knowingly took steroids and human growth hormone; you would have thought Bonds teammates might have noticed something was unusual when, before each game, Bonds had to be reanimated with lightening shot into his neck bolts.
A book on Barry Bonds detailed in “Sports Illustrated” reveals an unflattering portrait of Bonds including details from an ex-girlfriend who said Bonds experienced sexual dysfunction. But those sensitive ball players won’t exploit that. You’ve heard of the high five? Here comes the Barry Bonds Low One.
Not clear on any concept
A Los Angeles judge has issued a restraining order against Paris Hilton because she threatened and harassed an event planner, Brian Quintana. When asked to comment on the restraining order, a confused Paris asked; “Does that mean I can’t, like, have sex with him?”
Paris doesn’t get it. When told of her restraining order, Paris said; “Oh goody, I like being restrained, especially with mink-lined handcuffs.”
Since you asked:
Did I ever tell you my Barry Bonds story? It’s a good one. Forgive me if you’ve heard this.
So there I am the way god intended a loyal Cub fan to be, in Wrigley Field, basking in the early gloaming behind home plate sotted to the gills with Old Style beer watching the Cubbies beat up the San Francisco Giants. (This had to be around ’93 when Barry Bonds was new to the Giants)
Suddenly Barry strides out from the dug out and kneels down in the on-deck circle right in front of me. You know how, in person, certain things hit you that don’t hit you on TV and pictures? It hit me that, for a guy playing a sport, Barry Bonds wore an awful lot of jewelry. He has since toned it down, but on that day, the sun hit his diamond cross earring, his huge diamond stud other earring, and five or six shiny gold chains of various length with various diamonds.
Before I could even think, in a moment of dead silence, I heard myself shout loudly:
“Hey Barry, your wife said she wants you to stop wearing her damn jewelry.”
Not to brag, but you had to be there. Everyone in earshot – and that includes about twenty rows – cracked up. Then the wildest thing happened. Barry put his head down, and suddenly, you could see his shoulders bouncing up and down. What? The man was cracking up too. Then he turned in my direction and nodded his head in approval with the thumbs up sign as if to say; “Good one.”
Dammit to hell. Here I had been a devoted Barry Bonds hater and what does he do? He laughs at one of my jokes. Now I can’t hate him even if I try.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t write mean-spirited jokes about him. In that regard he is like the French – except Bonds has a sense of humor.
posted by Alex at
12:01 PM
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