Friday, March 25, 2005

This just in:

An Austrian university is in trouble for using corpses as crash test dummies. Man, the news keeps getting worse and worse for Ted Williams.

An inevitable but, nonetheless, embarrassing thing happened today. Pat O’Brien accidentally made a dirty phone sex call to Bill O’Reilly.

Star Jones had her birthday this week. Star Jones celebrated by blowing out her candles as well as the chair she sat in.

Actor Tom Sizemore has been sentenced to jail for failing seven drug tests while on probation. Seven. I’m not an expert, but I’m starting to think Sizemore may have a problem.

He failed seven drug tests. Or as Whitney Houston calls seven failed drug tests, last week.
Where you at and why ain’t at where I at, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Bee afraid, bee very afraid
A swarm of bees caused the cancellation of a Colorado Rockies, Arizona Diamondback spring training game. It was serious, after the game, five players tested positive for pollen.

One player thought he got a really bad sting right on his buttocks. Turned out it was just Jose
Canseco injecting him with steroids.

It was wild, after the bees stung the baseball players, the bees grew ten times their normal size from all of the steroids.

Get the rim shots ready
A diner at a Wendy’s fast food restaurant in San Jose, California, found a human finger in a bowl of chili. And I thought the customer was supposed to leave a tip?

The diner was furious. She ordered the beef stew.

“Hey waiter. What’s this finger doing in my chili?” “My guess would be flipping you off for your lousy tips.”

What did the hack comedian say afterwards? "I'll be here all week, try the thumb."

That should do it
A Texas legislator wants "sexually suggestive" high school cheerleader routines banned. To remove any hint of sexuality, he wants the cheerleaders dressed like a female gym teacher.

Anna we hardly knew yee
Former tennis babe Anna Kournakova is going to be a guest host on “The View.” You thought Anna couldn’t get her serve in? Wait until she tries to get a word in on “The View.”

Anna won’t actually do anything on “The View”, she’ll just sit there and look pretty. Just like she did in tennis.

(Shouting) I said, stay with me, stay with me, for tonight you better stay with me
60-year-old Rod Stewart married a 34 year girl. It was a very touching ceremony, they wrote their own vows on parchment. Unfortunately, the magnifying glass Stewart used to read it caused the vows to burst into flames.

How old was it?
They found soft tissue on a 70-million-year-old T-Rex. That’s amazing when you consider they can’t find any soft tissue on Cher or Joan Rivers.

Now that’s bad
At the Michael Jackson trial, one of Jackson's lawyers slumped over in his chair and had to be taken to the hospital. Man, Michael has to be pretty damn guilty and disgusting to make even an attorney sick.

Tough act to follow
The Village People announced they want to make their image less gay. That shouldn’t be tough, now, if they wanted their image to be more gay, that would be impossible.

Since you asked:
In one of those insipid men’s health magazines (like “Men’s Health” for example) I saw an article on a fitness test, right after it’s 5,721st article in a row on how to get ripped abs. (Diet and sit ups? Who knew?)

Anyway, the test claimed that one of the most reliable signs of fitness is the one minute test. You take your resting heart rate and then how high you can get your heart rate in under a minute of rather vigorous exercise and see what the spread is. 50 is OK. (If a person is out of shape, their resting rate is high and your maximum heart rate is low, that’s why they get exhausted so fast)

Mine? (teeth-suck, sniff, groan, dissolve into chortle of smugness) 90. 55 to 145. Oh yeah, baby, I’m thinking I’m pretty hot stuff, right? Nearly doubled the OK, is what I up and done. I'm bad.

You know what Lance Armstrong’s one minute test is? 182. Holy crap. The man’s resting heart rate is 38 and he can get to 220 in just under a minute. That isn’t a heart, that is a Ferrari engine. Explains why Sherryl Crowe is looking so fit these days. Poor thing. Lance must ride her like the Alps. (OK, Lex, simmer down, big guy)

While we are on the subject:
Funny thing. You know how I was whining about not having one of those corny sitcom, buzzed up, A-game, high-five-all-around days? Kind of had one yesterday, thanks for asking. It’s amazing what a good workout, a great dinner, Louisville beating the grits out of Washington and a long awaited over-due check can due for a guy’s attitude.

Ala Emeril, marinated the flank (you’re welcome) steak in 1 cup red wine, ½ cup soy, ¼ cup packed brown sugar (cue: Rolling Stones) two tablespoons each of crushed garlic and tomato paste, one tablespoon each of Lowry’s seasoning, paprika, pepper, wisk and then marinate the flank (you're welcome) steak for six hours. (More would be better)

Take the marinade, boil hard and then simmer slowly to reduce and use it as a steak sauce. Oh . . . my . . . goodness. As Judge Schmales from “Caddy Shack” would say; “Top notch, top notch.”

Comedy writers and dyslexics, untie
Was exchanging “smart-ass comments when we were kids in church” tales with one of my comedy writing buddies, Janice Hough. She had a good line:

“Good Friday? What’s so good about it?”

Mine? (I knew you would ask) During my first communion the minister told me that; “This bread and wine are the body and blood of Christ.”

When I got back to my seat, my parents asked how it went. My reply?

“It didn’t taste bad considering what he said it was.”

My Mom and Dad, bless their hearts, didn’t stop laughing the entire rest of the service. Lord help me, I’ve been an irreverent smart ass my entire life.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

No, she ain’ no holla back girl, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Take two
Rumor has it they are planning on a movie about Robert Blake and his wife, Bonnie. I’m not sure
what the title will be. “To Live and Die in L.A.” has already been used.

Robert Blake is looking for an acting job. Too bad they cancelled the show “Just Shoot Me.”

Now that is nervous
China has joined the U.S. in urging North Korea to continue nuclear arms negotiations. This
situation is tense. In fact, right now it’s as tense as a North Korean dog at supper time.

A diner at a Wendy’s fast food restaurant in San Jose, California, found a human finger in a bowl
of chili. The final insult? It was the middle finger.

Kind of brings an ugly meaning to the term finger bowl.

That could work
If he gets acquitted, Michael Jackson could be the house performer at Donald Trump’s
upcoming big Las Vegas casino. That makes sense, if you could clone Vegas performers Wayne
Newton and Celine Dion, you’d get Michael Jackson.

Not a good sign
A key witness for Michael Jackson, his old bodyguard, is in a Las Vegas jail for kidnapping and
robbery. How messed up are you when your character witness is a convicted felon?

The judge ruled that Michael Jackson’s computer porn cannot be used in court. This is a big win
for Michael Jackson, but a big loss of free advertising for the owners of Me Likes the

Better watch out
The other day, Michael Jackson brought his personal magician to court. Michael has a personal
magician. If he’s not careful people might start to think that Michael Jackson is a little weird.

And in other shocking news, Sean Penn was offended by something
Whitney Houston has returned to rehab. For the rest of us, that’s like getting your car’s oil
changed. Just one more trip back to rehab for Whitney and her tenth trip is free.

Fish gone wild
Did you see CBS’s “Spring Break Shark Attack?” Bikini clad women attacked by sharks. They
got the idea from the Fort Lauderdale Attorney convention.

Now that is a jacked-up vote
“American Idol” had a serious voting mishap. How bad was the voting mishap? The winner
turned out to be Ashlee Simpson.

How bad was the “American Idol” voting screw up? The big loser turned out to be Al Gore.

You don’t suppose?
The Players Championship at Sawgrass is under way. One of the players is Brian Gay. You don’t
suppose Gay’s heard any shaft or “in the hole” jokes do you?

Sadly, Gay is not matched with Davis Love III in the much anticipated Gay/Love match-up.

Since you asked:
Regarding the fame, popularity and success of Gwen Steffani, can I just say that I get that?
Two of the most obnoxious sports fans I have met are both U.Conn graduates. So when U.Conn
got knocked out early, I couldn’t help but go up to one, the woman, and needle a bit. She hits
me with; “Has your school ever had the champion in both men and women’s basketball?” Can’t
let that go, right? I assured her that, while my school hadn’t achieved that particular honor,
every morning when I woke up in college, I was in Santa Barbara.

How nice is Santa Barbara? The only two things anyone ever says about Santa Barbara are, A,
that is really nice, and B, I’ve heard that’s really nice.

Hitting the gym hard today, Slats and Nuggies. (Remember, this section is called “Since you
asked”) Hard on the treadmill (there is a hint of rain) and then weights and plyometrics. And
then a TiVo’d Louisville vs. Wash NCAA game while grilling my Emeril recipe for marinated
flank steak. (Flanks?) You’re welcome.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

We done up and got us our silly on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hey, Michael . . .
It’s looking more and more as if Michael Jackson is going to be acquitted. When asked what he is going to do if acquitted, Jackson said; “I’m going to Disneyland.”

To sleep per chance to dream . . .
The conditions of Martha Stewart’s house arrest is that she gets 48 hours a week to leave the house. Or as married guys call that: The impossible dream.

Of human Bond-age
Barry Bonds told the media; "You wanted to bring me down. You have finally brought me and my family down. So now go pick a different person." Barry Bonds blaming the media for his problems is like Michael Jackson blaming his problems on tattle tales.

Apparently Bonds was channeling Richard Nixon.

We got that already, already, already
NASA said they have a way to make urine and sweat drinkable. Well, duh, we already have that, it’s called Lucky Lager Beer.

Dumb consumers
Adidas has made what they call a smart shoe for $250. See, how the smart shoe works is if you pay $250 for a pair of sneakers, you’re not smart.

These $250 Adidas smart shoes are big with kids. These shoes are so smart that they write their own note to get you out of gym class.

It was kind of embarrassing when Adidas sent President Bush a pair of their $250 smart shoes to try. Bush couldn’t figure out how to put them on.

The following joke was written by the result of a Stanford education and it shows. Good one Janice Hough.

Two women have proposed marriage to Scott Peterson. I guess they feel sorry for him being a widower and all.

Say it ain’t so
Legal experts say the Michael Jackson trial could be over in a couple weeks. In a related story, I will then be under medically supervised suicide watch.

Maybe not a good idea
The big rumor is that, if acquitted, Michael Jackson will get a huge deal to perform in Las Vegas. Is that a good idea putting Michael Jackson in a place with a motto of “What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas”?

Did you see the interview of Robert Blake? It was really odd. He demanded that Chris Rock apologize to Sean Penn about the Jude Law jokes.

Rare indeed
At Lost Creek Farm in Kentucky, a white stallion was born for only the thirtieth time in over one hundred years. To show you how rare it is, there hasn’t been a stallion born this white since, well, Camilla Parker Bowles.

Do you know what the birth of a white stallion means? Michael Jackson is having sex with horses.

Jesse Jackson taking time out from shaking down corporate America
Did you know that Michael Jackson prays everyday with Jesse Jackson over the phone? Jesse even has his own prayer poem for Michael: “Dear God, give my brother Michael the strength not to have sex with those shorter than him in length.”

Ah, that time of year
Can you believe baseball is just two weeks away? Don’t you love the sounds of spring baseball: the crack of the bat, the cheers of the crowd, the flushing of the syringes . . .

That’s weird
I’ve heard so much about Michael Jackson’s disgusting sounding Jesus Juice – wine and coke – that I finally decided to try it. It’s not that bad, but it was really weird, for some reason, after I had the Jesus Juice, my pajamas kept falling off.

Enough is enough
Not to be insensitive, but, truthfully, if I have to keep hearing about the Terri Schaivo case in the news, I’m going to ask a judge to remove my feeding tube.

I’ve got the solution. Forget the feeding tube issue, just make Terri Schaivo listen to all the news reports about Terri Schaivo and she’ll die naturally of boredom.

Since you asked:
You know that great wildly buzzed feeling when your A-game is dead on and your whole life just feels like a really corny sitcom bordering on a sappy musical where the birds chirp, everybody smiles and high fives you as you glide and saunter through your glorious day?

Not having a day anything like that. My day feels more like something out of a Cohen brothers movie.

I’d like to introduce you to a new feature here at A.l.b.B. called:

Lex has a new game:

A friend of mine and I have a new game we play while we wait to pick up our kids at school. She, Renee, is a big time, very busy, real estate agent in town – she also won the women’s Iron Man in Hawaii one year in the Eighties- so, to say the least, she is very much a hard charger and knows everybody. She also has a great sense of humor. She asks me about jokes, I ask her about training tips. It’s fun to talk to her.

But I began to notice that we could not finish a conversation of any length without an overly intense, real estate obsessed mom interrupting us. One time I actually asked the offending mom; “I’m sorry, did our conversation interrupt you?” She said no with a straight face and kept on asking Rene questions about their house’s appreciation .

Now we try and guess how long it will be before we are interrupted. The record? Guess. No, really, guess. Four seconds. We are going to try and beat that today but we don’t know if we can. Hey, when life gives you lemons, make fun of rude, obnoxious, annoying rapidly aging yuppies.

That’s my motto.

(I know what you're going to say, Mark O'Snake, but sometimes I have to vent)

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

This just in:
The number one movie right now is “Ring 2.” Or as Kobe Bryant calls "Ring 2", his next room service order.

Camilla Parker Bowles announced she does not want to take the title of Queen. She thinks it should stay where it belongs, with Elton John.

We ain’t frontin’, we ain’t stuntin’, we ain’t snipe huntin’ up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What a great country
Kraft announces they are coming out with a wide-mouth jar of mayonnaise. How fat are we when they have to make a bigger opening just so we can fit our big fat hands into the jar to scrape out the last ounce of the mayonnaise?

What’s next, a bigger mayo jar with a huge opening so we can stick our fat heads right into it and lick it clean?

Not all beer and skittles
Robert Blake is not having an easy time after being acquitted. For example, for some reason, Blake has had the hardest time finding a dinner date.

“Hi, this is Robert Blake, I’m out of jail, wanna go to dinner? Hello? Hello?”

Oh, now that’s just mean . . .
A Belgian man is on trial for having sex with dogs. Do you know what you call a guy who has sex with a dog? Prince Charles.

Or as that sicko likes to call sex with dogs: The paws that refreshes.

No slacko for Jacko
Observers said that Michael Jackson arrived at court looking ill. What do they mean Michael looked ill? If the guy was any whiter he’d be clear.

If Michael Jackson looked any sicker than he normally does he’d have to wear a black hooded cloak and carry a huge scythe and an hour glass.

Michael Jackson did not look good when he showed up at court. Just to give you an idea how bad he looked, when Michael showed at court, the judge ordered a feeding tube stuck down his throat.

If Michael Jackson looked any sicker than he normally does he’d make the Grim Reaper look like Kelly Ripa.

Again, mean
The British Government said that, if Prince Charles ascends the thrown, Camilla Parker Bowles would be Queen. In addition, Camilla would be named a pure bred by the English Kennel Club.

A hard time
A Wisconsin man is charged with having sex with cows after attending a strip club. You don’t suppose the girl who last stripped for him will get a hard time? “Hey, Brandi, did you hear Louie dumped you for a Hereford?”

You know who I feel sorry for? The farmer that found out about this after he milked those cows. “Does this milk look funny to you?”

They were right
Michael Jackson has been charged with serving wine, vodka and whisky at the Neverland Ranch. I guess they were right, Michael really does wish he was Diana Ross.

Did you see Michael Jackson yesterday at court? He looked bad. But he looked a lot better today. You know why he looked better today? Last night, Jose Conseco injected his butt with steroids.

Come on out
A Pennsylvania Judge refused to marry a couple because they were first cousins. That couple should come out here to California. We’ll marry first cousins as long as they are the same sex.

Since you frickin’asked:
To steal a page from John Cusak’s (another fellow New Trier High alum, albeit a tad more successful) character in “High Fidelity” there is an art to creating the perfect workout iPod playlist. Now, remember, this is not a best song list, it's a workout list. Some of the songs, whether cheesy or not, just get you going and that's the main goal.

You want to warm up but you want to start with something to get you going? My first work out song? “Funeral For a Friend” by Elton John. Plus it’s ten minutes that fly by.

You got it going now, so keep it going. Yes, this song may be too eighties, yes it may be corny, but I dare you not to get ballistic when you hear the second song:

“Top Gun’s” “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins. When he says "take it high as you can go . . ." I want to see barrel rolls.

We are way low on gas, Maverick, so now we got to take it down a bit.

“Hey Joe” by Jimi Hendrix. Yes, it starts out mellower, but when my man, Jimi, done up and hits that guitar solo you could go through a brick wall.

The next good jam? “Stay with Me” by Ron Wood and that blonde guy in Faces. The one that had the haircut like my ol' girlfriend, or so I am told.

“Gimme All Your Lovin” by ZZ Top. Yes, it’s dated, yes it’s too Seventies, but it is a work out jammer whammer. (Did I just say jammer whammer?)

This next one is a must, ‘cause you be more mo’ tired now than a Neverland Sleepover guest the day after the Jesus Juice, so get going with “Hard to Handle” by the Black Crows.

“Up Around the Bend” by CCR because when Fogerty says “just as fast as my feet can fly” so do yours.

We knew a guy in high school named Charlie Bro. This crazy friend of ours, Art Bergman, swore that the Doobie Brothers say his name instead of “China Grove.” You tell me, ‘cause that’s the next song.

And finally, we end up with the perfect “We-are-showered-up-and-snazzy-after-a-day-at-the-beach-and-cruisin-with-the-top-down-to-an-awesome-backyard-party song, “Tumblin Dice” by the Stones.

Once you are done, cool down to Jackson Browne’s “Call It a Loan.” Do sit ups to John Mayal’s “Room to Move.” Get a drink to Van Morrison’s “Oh, the Water.”

The only, and I mean the only problem with the blessed iPod, as I see it, is if you get too carried away.

As I have said before, the only thing that looks dumber than a guy jammin’ out and playing air guitar is a guy jamming out to air guitar to a song that nobody else can hear. When I do that, trust me, I look like I am waiting for the little school bus to pick me up in front of my house. When I do that, just go ahead and call me Warren from “Something About Mary.” (Nice pull, Mark and Tracy Snake)

Monday, March 21, 2005

You know what I’m talkin’ about, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ring out the dead
The Los Angeles Lakers have lost five in a row and their playoff hopes are dying. Now the only way Kobe Bryant will get a ring this year is if his wife goes on a trip and orders room service.

Gas prices are going through the roof. The good news for the Lakers? They can transfer their ability to suck to a gas siphoning hose.

Folks, love your pets, do not LOVE your pets
A Belgian man is on trial for having sex with dogs. He could face up to 6 months in jail if convicted. Of course, 6 months is 42 months in having-sex-with-dog-years.

That’s not the weirdest part, he had sex with the dogs people style.

A Belgian man is on trial for having sex with dogs. He could face up to six months in jail for animal abuse, immoral behavior and the lesser charge of impersonating Prince Charles.

Authorities first became suspicious when he would call the local radio station and request the song for his girlfriend: “Who Let the Dogs Out?”

No coincidence that
Hundreds of giant squid are washing up on the shores of Southern California. In a related story, Orange County and Los Angeles sushi restaurants are now offering all-you-can-eat specials.

One important bill at a time
President Bush signed a bill to keep feeding brain-damaged Terri Schiavo. And Bush signed another bill to stop the feeding of Ruben Stoddard and Kirstie Alley.

Rough times for the bad haircut
It’s been a tough week for baseball commissioner Bud Selig. He is under fire for ignoring steroids, he had to appear before Congress, and just when Selig thought things couldn’t get worse, today he came in third in the annual Janet Reno look-alike contest.

Not quite enough
The Chicago Cubs’ Wrigley Field is adding about 2,000 seats. Apparently the Cubs brass decided there just weren’t enough people getting their hopes and dreams shattered in person as it was.

OR Are you hit and run?
Paula Abdul could be charged with a hit and run driving accident. When asked to comment, Abdul said; “I don’t know anything about it, but whatever happened, I disagree with Simon Cowell.”

The old days
Remember the old days when, if you said you used your Palm Pilot to Google yourself, you’d have been arrested for public indecency?

That would explain it
Some new facts are coming out in the Robert Blake verdict. It turns out the jury didn’t really find Blake innocent, they just wanted to hurry up and acquit him so they could concentrate on following the Michael Jackson trial closer.

No news is not good news
This has been an odd news week. Elton John didn’t feud with anyone and not one teacher slept with a student.

Can’t wait
The baseball season is getting ready to begin. This year everyone is excited to see who is going to throw out the first syringe.

Too close to call
Observers commented that Michael Jackson appeared at court looking ill. Here’s my question: how can you tell if Michael Jackson looks ill? That’s like trying to determine if Kirstie Alley is retaining water.

Since you asked:
Got one of those emails that is probably an urban myth, but if it is, it’s a good one. The story about the hayseed-looking couple that wanted to donate a building to Harvard in memory of their son. When told by the snooty Harvard President what that would cost, they decided to start their own University: Stanford.

Not sure if it is true. Checked into the Stanford’s history and they didn’t sound like hicks. Their son died at 16. But who knows? I do know it ended with a great line we should all have tattooed inside of our eyelids. When I was young and cocky – like you’re supposed to be – I didn’t always abide by it, but I like to think that I have matured.

There are formerly close friends of mine – the kind of people who were always there when they needed you – that, not only didn’t follow this edict, they treated people as disposable assets; once you no longer could provide something for them, you ceased to exist. So I essentially fired them as friends. Not an easy thing for us loyal-to-the-death bred Midwesterners to do, regardless that I now reside in California. Oh, who am I kidding? It was easy and fun to fire them.

Anyway, here it is:

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them.

Next time you see someone screaming at a waiter or fast food worker, remember this.