What the hell, why Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Kim Kardashian denied rumors of a divorce from Kanye West. When asked if her denial was vehement, Kim said; “No, occasionally I still eat meat.”

Today a California man went to claim his winning $1 mil. Powerball lottery prize, but realized he lost his ticket. Friday the 13^th just took on new meaning for that guy.

Comedian Will Farrell set a record for charity by playing for ten Major League teams at ten different positions in one day. It would have been 11 teams, but one of them was the New York Mets, so it didn’t count.

Kim Kardashian has vehemently denied rumors of a divorce with Kanye West, even though Kim has no idea what the word vehemently means.

Kim Kardashian has vehemently denied rumors of a divorce with Kanye West. So that means they are getting divorced.

In an attempt to have a second child, Kim Kardashian says she and Kanye West are having sex “500 times a day.” That is not a happy exaggeration. Saying ten times a day would be a happy exaggeration, saying 500 times a day means you’re miserable.

A contestant on Jeopardy, Kristen Sausville, ended up in final Jeopardy by herself. Brings back bad memories of my prom.

In South Africa, the world’s first fully successful penis transplant occurred to a 21-year-old man. The penis transplant is new so they have not agreed on the medical term yet, but some of the leading candidates are:

An attachadicktome.

A reverse Jenner.

Benedicting his Cumberbatch

Adelling his Dazeem

Putting Willy’s Wanka back in the Factory.

“Toy Story 5: Woody’s Comeback.”

 Lexervations:

Is it possible to feel older than when the online tabloid headline screams:

“Rapper Lil’ Zunker Q breaks up with singer Sleazealia,”

And you have no idea who either are?

Admiration with zero appreciation? Thy name is Madonna.

Has your drunk you ever written a note to your sober me it couldn’t read? “Flind zah weeas shtantss vassa hangingshank.”

Maybe this is the dad of a teenage daughter talking, but Taylor Swift is as beautiful and pretty as a woman can be without the slightest trace of hot.

How are celebrities who are so talented and also so great at being a celebrity as Taylor Swift, Will Farrell, Tom Hanks, George Clooney, Matthew McCanaughey and Will Smith? And the least talented, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Kristen Stewart, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Bruce and Kris Jenner, how are they so horrible at being celebrities?  The people who should be the most gracious of their celebrity are the least and vice versa.

“E” announces they will not make a docuseries on the sexual transition of Bruce Jenner for three reasons. A, Bruce just had that awful car crash. B, Bruce wants to educate his kids on the transition first. And C, and most importantly, Bruce Jenner’s personality is so wildly unlikeable nobody would watch it.

If you like witty and funny sitcoms, you should see “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”, if you liked “30 Rock,” you have to see “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.” You can feel Tina Fey’s brilliant fingerprints all over it. Kimmy said the worst thing that will ever happen to her (being abducted into a apocalypse cult) happened on her front lawn.

The worst thing that ever happened to Tina Fey – her face getting slashed by a crazy man when she was in kindergarten – happened in the alley behind her house.

Not just because I am a woefully underpaid comedy writer, I will never understand the financial workings of comedy.

One of the best stand up performers I have ever seen, Marc Maron, until his booming success recently, a year ago, Maron was living in a tiny house with bars in the window in a sketchy part of Highland Park outside of LA. And he was making podcasts in his garage. Yes he had a destructive period with booze and cocaine, but he has been sober for over a decade.

Meanwhile, the scotch-swilling, constantly cigar-smoking, Ron White, while also a highly talented comedian, owns two mansions, one in L.A. and one in Atlanta, and his own private jet. And he parties on 150 foot yachts in Monaco with Dr. Phil.

Dr. Ben Carson is a full-blown idiot. Your sexuality finds you. You have little or no choice over it. That’s is why my brother was homosexual and I am a raving heterosexual.

When you are 13 and Miss Golden’s miniskirt causes you a 48-hour erection, that is not by choice. 

As I get older, my need to trust the judgment of my sphincter is increasing at the same rate my trust in the judgment of my sphincter is decreasing.