Sometimes I feel like the only living boy in New York in the only cab on the road, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is so cold in New York, for an extra $50, the hookers in Times Square are offering a written guarantee they will give you a burning sensation when you pee.

It is so cold in Washington DC, congressmen put their hands in their own pockets.

In New Hampshire, 12-year-old Maddie Gilmartin, licked a frozen flag pole and was stuck for 15 minutes. On the bright side, she was named an honorary Kardashian.

This could explain whey there has been no word on her Mensa application.

Don’t confuse the polar vortex with the bi-polar vortex; that is when it is so cold, it drives you crazy.

Boxer Evander Holyfield compared homosexuality to a disability and said it could be cured. As opposed to stupidity which is incurable.

Maybe it’s just me, but if I was a dude famous for having a body part bitten off by another dude? I would keep my thoughts on homosexuality to myself.

It is so cold, people are shaking like Evander Holyfield in a Pier One Imports.