Friday, November 30, 2012

You’re a daisy if you do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Starbucks is offering a $7 cup of coffee. It is called a Vente De Bag-a-douche.

Yahoo reveals parents had a baby girl and named her Hashtag. You think that is pathetically needy? They were going to name her MyDadNeedsMoreTwitterFollowers.

Chicago Bear, Brandon Marshall, said NFL players are taking Viagra to get a physical advantage; the bad news is now players can be penalized for holding and sexual assault.

Facebook removed a picture of a woman in a bathtub because they mistook her elbows for her breasts; mistook her elbows for her breasts. Sounds like my high school prom night all over again.

A survey claims 52% of married women would rather read a book and take a nap than have sex with their husband; unless the book is “50 Shades of Grey,” then they want to read a book, sit on the washing machine and then take a nap.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested in New York after allegedly striking a woman at a nightclub; its hard to imagine Lindsay acting out when she can't act.

The Post Office announced it lost over $16 billion this year. They said they will reexamine their business plan. And by reexamine, they mean get one.

A woman in Florida was arrested for beating up her boyfriend after she claims he had an orgasm too quickly; she was charged with assault and battery, he was charged with being a guy.

Since you asked: 

The NFL. Where Parity mixes with Parody. 

We've discussed it before, but never have so many people been a-holes and less people thought they were a-holes. So, as a public service, here are some top signs someon may be an a-hole:

They're a man over 40 and they have a ponytail.

They're a woman over 35 and they still speak in the affected, valley-girl lisp.

They cheat at words with friends

They stop their car in the crosswalk at stop signs and stop lights. 

They use a blue tooth earpiece.

They talk loudly on cell phones in front of a captive audience.

They scuffle and shuffle their feet as they walk.

They hang long, slow diagonal walks in parking lots.

They sit in their parked car in the red zone

They cheat at Words with Friends

They're wearing a New York Jets, New York Mets or Philadelphia Anything jersey.

They don't like dogs.

They like cats way, way too much.

They intervenir their conversations with Francais. 

They brag incessantly about credit card miles.

They post long political tirades on Facebook or Twitter.

They talk about their low gluten diet at all, let alone way too much.

They're a Vegan

They change lanes without signaling, they speed up to cut people off, they go out of turn at stop signs. In other words, they drive a Prius or a Range Rover. 

They drive with their little yappy lap dog in their lap. 

And finally, you may be an a-hole if you complain about how effed-up the NFL is and how it ruined your fantasy football team despite several genius moves that should have been rewarded, but met with defeat due to wild, untalented and blind luck on behalf of the other idiots - most wildly mentally and emotionally unstable closet queens - who are in your league. 

OK, so I qualify on one.