This just in:
Dallas Cowboy owner Jerry Jones announced he does not know what he will do with troubled receiver Terrell Owens. The guy is a psycho egomaniac attention whore whose selfishness is killing his team’s morale. And besides Jerry Jones, Terrell Owens isn’t any better.
Sadly, a chimp named Travis that had starred in commercials had to be shot by police after it attacked a woman and went on a rampage. Do you know how to prevent chimpanzee attacks? Don’t have a monkey in your house. They’re called apes for a reason. They go ape. There is no such thing as something going puppy or kitty on you.
That stuff was the shizzy back in the dizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Makes sense
According to a survey of historians by C-Span, they ranked all the presidents and Abraham Lincoln finished first. You know who was the worst president? Dick Cheney.
Windy, rainy
It was so windy in Los Angeles a gust blew a straight guy into a theater showing “Confessions of a Shopaholic.”
It was so windy in Hollywood a gust blew the fried turkey leg right out of Jessica Simpson’s hand.
The storm was so bad in Hollywood, Christian Bale threw an obscenity-laced tirade at Al Roker.
It was so rainy in LA Jessica Simpson claimed she is just water-logged.
It is so rainy in Hollywood Chris Brown tried to drown Rihanna.
Not since then
The Westminster Dog Show was won last week by a Spaniel named Stump. It’s the greatest win by something called Stump since Tom Cruise won a Golden Globe.
Better
To save money, California gave workers Friday off without pay calling it Furlough Friday. They decided Furlough Friday was a better choice than Tapped-out Tuesday.
Disclaimer
Indiana lawmakers are going to make chain restaurants, like the Olive Garden, list their meal’s calories on the menu. In addition, they are going to make the Olive Garden give the disclaimer: “You know this isn’t really an Italian restaurant, right?”
Not good, 2
Joaquin Phoenix is quitting acting to start a hip hop career. And what could be better than a rich white actor performing hip hop? Maybe a black hip hop artist performing Polka. But that’s it.
Finally the question is answered
The Westminster Dog Show was won by a Spaniel named Stump. So, for this year, the question asked by all dog owners has been answered: “Who’s a good dog? Stump is a good dog.”
Name change
Casey Affleck is making a documentary about Joaquin Phoenix’s transition from acting to hip hop. Affleck’s not sure what it will be called because the title “The Jerk” has been used.
Bad Valentines Day
I had a friend who had a bad Valentines Day, his date was a woman softball player who kept calling him a slump-buster.
Not good, 3
These are tough, cynical times. Sunday I saw a church advertising a sermon titled; “God: He’s Just Not That Into You.”
How bad is it?
The economy is so bad the hookers on Hollywood Blvd are offering their own stimulus package.
This economy is rough. “60 Minutes” sold ad space on Andy Rooney’s eyebrows.
First time
Amy Winehouse is going through an ugly divorce from her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil. It is the first divorce on record where the grounds are listed as “He’s just not that into her.”
Since you asked:
Saw Oliver Stone’s “W.” Politics and Josh Brolin’s really good imitation aside? It really sucked. But it sucked so much it is worth watching. No kidding, Richard Dreyfuss's Dick Cheney was just missing maniacally petting a furry white cat it was such a sinister evil bad guy cartoon.
It was like one horribly long and ridiculously un-funny “Saturday Night Live” skit.
First of all, Oliver Stone is such a megalomaniac, as he proved in “JFK” and “Nixon” Stone truly believes his opinion is more important than the actual history of what happened. Now that he has been revealed as a cinematic version of a pathological liar, I am sure not one thing that we thought happened to Stone in Vietnam in “Platoon” ever actually happened.
This is the third movie about a president that the ham-fisted Stone has botched, "JFK" "Nixon" and now "W.". Albeit "JFK" was about his assassination - or more accurately, things Stone lied about in the assassination. A documentary on the History Channel on the real Kennedy assassination spent a half-an-hour on just the stuff Stone made up out of thin air.
Barack Obama better get on his knees and pray Stone doesn't try to make a movie about him.
“W.” was just an excuse to string together a bunch of Bush’s misstatements. Again, politics aside, I think we can all agree that President Bush was a bad president. But when that point is being made by a biased and horrible director, it takes away the validity of the message.
By the end of the movie it was hard to figure out who looked like more of a clown, George W. Bush or Oliver Stone.
Flashbacks, flash forwards, dream sequences, this pile of dung had everything but a character named Bobby Ewing emerging from a shower realizing it was all just a dream.
I give “W.” five fists.*
*That is what I will let hit my scrotum before I will ever see another Oliver Stone film again.
Dallas Cowboy owner Jerry Jones announced he does not know what he will do with troubled receiver Terrell Owens. The guy is a psycho egomaniac attention whore whose selfishness is killing his team’s morale. And besides Jerry Jones, Terrell Owens isn’t any better.
Sadly, a chimp named Travis that had starred in commercials had to be shot by police after it attacked a woman and went on a rampage. Do you know how to prevent chimpanzee attacks? Don’t have a monkey in your house. They’re called apes for a reason. They go ape. There is no such thing as something going puppy or kitty on you.
That stuff was the shizzy back in the dizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Makes sense
According to a survey of historians by C-Span, they ranked all the presidents and Abraham Lincoln finished first. You know who was the worst president? Dick Cheney.
Windy, rainy
It was so windy in Los Angeles a gust blew a straight guy into a theater showing “Confessions of a Shopaholic.”
It was so windy in Hollywood a gust blew the fried turkey leg right out of Jessica Simpson’s hand.
The storm was so bad in Hollywood, Christian Bale threw an obscenity-laced tirade at Al Roker.
It was so rainy in LA Jessica Simpson claimed she is just water-logged.
It is so rainy in Hollywood Chris Brown tried to drown Rihanna.
Not since then
The Westminster Dog Show was won last week by a Spaniel named Stump. It’s the greatest win by something called Stump since Tom Cruise won a Golden Globe.
Better
To save money, California gave workers Friday off without pay calling it Furlough Friday. They decided Furlough Friday was a better choice than Tapped-out Tuesday.
Disclaimer
Indiana lawmakers are going to make chain restaurants, like the Olive Garden, list their meal’s calories on the menu. In addition, they are going to make the Olive Garden give the disclaimer: “You know this isn’t really an Italian restaurant, right?”
Not good, 2
Joaquin Phoenix is quitting acting to start a hip hop career. And what could be better than a rich white actor performing hip hop? Maybe a black hip hop artist performing Polka. But that’s it.
Finally the question is answered
The Westminster Dog Show was won by a Spaniel named Stump. So, for this year, the question asked by all dog owners has been answered: “Who’s a good dog? Stump is a good dog.”
Name change
Casey Affleck is making a documentary about Joaquin Phoenix’s transition from acting to hip hop. Affleck’s not sure what it will be called because the title “The Jerk” has been used.
Bad Valentines Day
I had a friend who had a bad Valentines Day, his date was a woman softball player who kept calling him a slump-buster.
Not good, 3
These are tough, cynical times. Sunday I saw a church advertising a sermon titled; “God: He’s Just Not That Into You.”
How bad is it?
The economy is so bad the hookers on Hollywood Blvd are offering their own stimulus package.
This economy is rough. “60 Minutes” sold ad space on Andy Rooney’s eyebrows.
First time
Amy Winehouse is going through an ugly divorce from her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil. It is the first divorce on record where the grounds are listed as “He’s just not that into her.”
Since you asked:
Saw Oliver Stone’s “W.” Politics and Josh Brolin’s really good imitation aside? It really sucked. But it sucked so much it is worth watching. No kidding, Richard Dreyfuss's Dick Cheney was just missing maniacally petting a furry white cat it was such a sinister evil bad guy cartoon.
It was like one horribly long and ridiculously un-funny “Saturday Night Live” skit.
First of all, Oliver Stone is such a megalomaniac, as he proved in “JFK” and “Nixon” Stone truly believes his opinion is more important than the actual history of what happened. Now that he has been revealed as a cinematic version of a pathological liar, I am sure not one thing that we thought happened to Stone in Vietnam in “Platoon” ever actually happened.
This is the third movie about a president that the ham-fisted Stone has botched, "JFK" "Nixon" and now "W.". Albeit "JFK" was about his assassination - or more accurately, things Stone lied about in the assassination. A documentary on the History Channel on the real Kennedy assassination spent a half-an-hour on just the stuff Stone made up out of thin air.
Barack Obama better get on his knees and pray Stone doesn't try to make a movie about him.
“W.” was just an excuse to string together a bunch of Bush’s misstatements. Again, politics aside, I think we can all agree that President Bush was a bad president. But when that point is being made by a biased and horrible director, it takes away the validity of the message.
By the end of the movie it was hard to figure out who looked like more of a clown, George W. Bush or Oliver Stone.
Flashbacks, flash forwards, dream sequences, this pile of dung had everything but a character named Bobby Ewing emerging from a shower realizing it was all just a dream.
I give “W.” five fists.*
*That is what I will let hit my scrotum before I will ever see another Oliver Stone film again.
posted by Alex at
1:30 PM
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