Sunday, February 22, 2004

We gonna get our nasty on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The new murderers row
With the acquisition of MVP Alex Rodriguez, have you seen the New York Yankees batting lineup for next season? That’s not a lineup, that’s a firing squad. They should offer the opposing pitcher a cigarette and a blindfold.

The Great Wall of China has more gaps in it then the Yankee lineup.

Or as Boston Red Sox fans call the Yankee acquisition of Rodriguez: Armageddon.

Advising? How about get the hell out.

The State Department is advising all U.S. citizens to leave Haiti. Advising them to leave Haiti? Let me give you a little travel safety tip: If you ask somebody what country you are in, and they don’t say anything except Haiti? Update your life insurance.

The State Department is merely advising U.S. citizens to leave Haiti? Any country where one of the political groups goes by the name and classification of Cannibals, you might want to skip when making your vacation plans.

Advising people to leave Haiti is a like a doctor advising a patient not to play Russian roulette with a fully loaded magnum revolver.

The new slogan for tourism in Haiti should be: “Don’t waitie, leave Haiti.”

Since you asked:

We rented Kevin Costner’s “Open Range” last night. It was OK. What is Costner’s obsession with combining new-age touchy-feely psychobabble and the Old West? (See: “Wyatt Earp”and “Dances with Wolves”)

But, if I may, you’d think Hollywood would have learned a vital lesson after Tom Hanks’ “Turner and Hooch.” Four words, moviemakers: Don’t shoot the dog. Why is that so hard to learn? Repeat: Don’t shoot the dog. I don’t want to have to tell you again.