I have no gift to bring pa rum pum pum pum, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers pa rum pum pum pum

Now, I know you've heard my rant on why actors, who can't even put on their own makeup, are the least qualified to advise us on foreign policy, but . . . Bad boy actor Sean Penn is in Iraq observing. He may not be a bad choice to send there. Stay with me, now. After all, the guy was married to Madonna, so why would he be afraid of Saddam Hussein?

Marvel Comics introduced the first openly gay comic book character. It’s called "The Rawhide Kid.” This is better than their first idea; “The Confessional Booth Bandit.”

Flamboyant British pop star Elton John said he has decided to take the plunge and have laser eye surgery. I am willing to bet Elton’s first words after having the corrective eye surgery will be; “Hey, who put this ugly rug on my head?”

Former vice president Al Gore announced he will not seek a rematch against President Bush in 2004. And you thought the Trent Lott scandal had republicans depressed . . .

People are asking what has happened to the last place Los Angeles Laker’s offense? Looking at the Lakers, I have to guess that Shaq ate it. I don’t want to say Shaq has gotten too hefty, but last night Shaq was charged with a three second violation while standing behind the three point line. Pa rum pum pum pum. (The Little Drummer Boy is doing my rimshots)

Wildlife experts in Florida say there’s an outbreak of baldness among the state’s black bears. In addition, there has been a reported increase in the bear’s use of Porsche’s and gold chains. Nothing sadder than a bear with a bad comb-over. Today Cy Sperling introduced the Hair Club for Bears.

In Hollywood, plans are underway for a fourth "Indiana Jones” movie, a fourth "Mad Max” movie, and a sixth "Rocky” film. It’s part of the Screen Actors Guild’s new retirement package. In the sixth “Rocky” they finally explain why they didn’t stop after the third “Rocky.”

The most popular baby names for 2002, according to research conducted by BabyNames.com, are: Madison, Ethan, Bailey, Caleb, Aiden and Hannah. Since when did the Amish start having so many babies? Madison, Ethan, Bailey, Caleb, Aiden and Hannah. Thou’est art some yee olde righteous names.

"Playboy” has signed a deal to develop the first, official "Playboy” video game. This will bring new meaning to the term joystick.

It’s been cold back East. In Washington, Trent Lott burned a cross just to stay warm. Pa rum pum pum pum.

As reported earlier, Australia’s largest brothel is going public with a stock offering. This could be interesting if they declare a dividend payment. “Honey, do you want to explain why Sheila’s Cathouse is sending you checks? “

By the way, have you ever gone to a Tiki Bar and ordered a Rum Pum Pa Pum? It'll set you free, Slats and Nuggies.