Friday, September 06, 2002

Fight for your right to party this weekend, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Kelly, the winner of “American Idol” will now get the full recording artist treatment. Kelly is doing well. In fact, she is way ahead of schedule. Today Kelly flipped off ten cameramen. Her agent has already booked her space at the Betty Ford center. Here's a little advice: Kelly, whatever you do, don’t make a movie with the word Glitter in the title.

A study, commissioned by Mitsubishi, determined that the worst drivers own BMW's. Ford Explorer drivers would be the worst, but their cars are always upside down.

Bill Clinton said we should get Osama bin Laden before Saddam Hussein. To be honest, ever since bin Laden’s been disguising himself as a woman, I am surprised Clinton hasn’t nailed Osama himself.

Times Square in New York was packed for the world’s biggest tailgate party before the opening game between the San Francisco Forty Niners and the New York Giants. Clinton was there. That’s because he was out the door after he heard the words World’s biggest tail . . .

Following the embarrassing loss to Argentina, the U.S. lost to Yugoslavia insuring no better than fifth at the World Basketball Championship. This was the most embarrassing U.S. international performance since Milli Vanilli’s last world tour. Our NBA filled international teams were 58-0 before these two consecutive loses.

The New York Mets set a league record with 15 home loses in a row. This is the worst home performance since Michael Jackson’s wife wanted to get pregnant. That is the worst performance in New York since Liza Minelli and David Gest’s honeymoon.

An expert said that a sick-acting whale should either be shot or returned to captivity. But enough about Anna Nicole Smith, how about that Keiko the killer whale in Norway story? (You didn't think I would forget her, did you?)

And speaking of recent punching bags, it is not looking good for Martha Stewart; congress says it may bring charges. And today on “Martha Stewart Live” Martha showed how to bake things with tools in them:

“Remember, the cake will cook faster as the metal file inside heats up, so plan to take it out about fifteen minutes early. It's a good thing.”