Wednesday, July 24, 2002

Well hi there Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers. Watch out for those falling stocks.

Hey, did you hear those drunk America West pilots racked up a $144 bar bill hours before taking off? To their credit, they did give the waitress a great tip: they told her to never fly America West. Letterman had a great line about that. The good news is now even terrorists are afraid to fly.

Pringles is coming out with a new wide-mouth can to make it easier to get at the chips. This means that somebody actually complained that the Pringles were too hard to get at before, and Pringles changed it. See that? Anna Nicole Smith is discovering being a celebrity gets things done.

Dry conditions have driven rats from their usual nests to forage for water and food in the wealthy neighborhoods of Beverly Hills, Santa Monica and Pacific Palisades. These places have never had rats before, if you don’t count agents.

Britney Spears movie “Crossroads” is in video stores. So this explains all of the middle-aged men at Blockbuster dressed in trench coats, sunglasses with their hats pulled down real low;

“Yeah, my daughter forced me to rent this.”

“Sir, you don’t have a daughter.”

“Shut up and put it in the bag.”

The Stock Market behaved very oddly today. What is that called what it did? Oh yeah, it went up. Thank God the market was up today. We are running out of crashing stock market jokes. The folks at Amtrak are starting to make fun of the New York Stock Exchange. This economy is tighter than an America West pilot.

As an investor, I feel like Alan Arkin’s dentist character in the movie “The Inlaws” when he is lined up with Peter Falk’s character in front of the firing squad and he asks: “OK, no kidding, what’s our next move?”

A former Columbo mob boss claims that, in the Seventies, several New York Yankees paid off gambling debts by throwing games. Current owner George Stienbrenner would never let something like that happen . . . without taking his cut.

Speaking of Ass@#$%'s, Dennis Conner’s $5 mil America’s Cup yacht sank on its maiden voyage. The boat was salvaged, but this should teach Conner a lesson: He should never have signed World Com as his boat’s sponsor. I don’t know a lot about sailing, but I am pretty sure it is fairly important to check to see if the boat floats.

Former “Cheers” actor Woody Harrelson called President Bush as much of a terrorist as Osama bin Laden. Catch Woody in his next project, a horror film titled; “When Stupid Actors Speak Off Screen.”

There is a show on the Food Network called; “The Thirsty Traveler.” This guy travels around and reports about the best bars and best drinks in the world. How do you beat that gig? “Follow our host as he dates super models on tropical islands on; “The Horney Island Hopper.”

The Boston Red Sox’s Nomar Garciaparra celebrated his 29th birthday Tuesday by hitting three home runs, including a grand slam and driving in eight runs in a 22-4 win over Tampa Bay. American League pitchers should be thankful Nomar doesn’t play on Christmas.