Wednesday, July 17, 2002

By Slickity Howdy You 'ol Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

By the way, I have a new band name: Martha's Stock Broker

Well, let's start with some good 'ol groveling. Sorry I ain't updated in a while. Part of the reason might be explained by the fact that NOBODY READS THIS DAMN THING. Do they? Folks, us comedy writers are needier than a lost labrador puppy in the rain. Give me some feedback.

Any who.

A top FBI official said he believes Osama bin Laden is dead. Do you realize what this means? If the FBI said he is dead, not only is he alive, but he is probably training for the Hawaiian Iron Man Triathlon.

It was hot in Southern California today. People hung around Michael Jackson just for the shiver they got from how creepy he is. It’s hot. Today, I drove through Englewood just so I could get my face slammed down on the cool hood of a police car.It’s been so hot, people are hanging out at investment firms just to catch the breeze from the falling stocks.

I heard a radio commercial with bald NFL Hall of Famer Terry Bradshaw pitching Super Cuts hair salons. That’s like Allen Iverson plugging Brink’s Home security.

Rep. James Traficant, told a House panel he is innocent of federal charges that have been brought against him. Traficant is hiding under patriotism, false sympathy and the worst looking rug anyone has ever stepped under.Did you see the carpet on Traficant’s head? I’ve seen better looking rugs at Graceland.

The Bahamas Department of Civil Aviation announced that toxicology tests on the body of the pilot of the doomed flight that claimed singer Aayliah, turned up cocaine and alcohol in his system. Today the pilot was named an honorary America West pilot post mortem.

A congressional investigation found at least 200 Army personnel used their government charge cards to obtain hundreds of dollars in cash at strip clubs for lap dances and “other services.” Their new slogan is; “An Army of One . . . horny bunch of guys.” The soldiers claimed they were just working on their prisoner investigation and frisking skills. To tip the strippers, the soldiers used the credit card to buy an Army of ones.

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan told Congress that the economy is on the road to full recovery. That’s like the Captain of the Titanic announcing that deck chairs are arranged perfectly.

David Hasselhoff is 50. That’s a tough milestone for a guy. The good news for Hasselhoff is that, after twenty years, he can finally let out his gut. Nobody cares anymore.

On this date in 1938, aviator Douglas Corrigan took off from New York, saying he was headed for California; he ended up in Ireland, earning the nickname ''Wrong Way Corrigan.'' Corrigan then ended up drinking in the pubs in Ireland, and later went on to form America West airlines.

Playboy will release an issue that will feature the women of Arthur Andersen. First it was the women of Enron, now the women of Arthur Anderson. Let’s all hope the WNBA doesn’t go bankrupt.