Friday, September 27, 2019

Latino stars Shakira and Jennifer Lopez will perform at halftime of the Super Bowl.

Not sure what the theme of the show will be, but it will not be a tribute to the Jets and Redskins for being in the game.

Thursday, September 26, 2019

On NBC there was an all-new "Chicago Med" "Chicago Fire" and "Chicago PD." 

And, thanks to the Cubs, there is also an all-new "Chicago Gag.”

The Chicago Cubs lost eight games in a row to take themselves out of playoff contention.

At this point even the Miami Dolphins are laughing at the Cubs.

The Chicago Cubs have lost their seventh game in a row 9-2 to the Pirates.

On the bright side, they didn't lose another game by one run.

Me: "Anyone from Chicago is OK by me."

Them: "What about White Sox fans?"

Me: "Almost anyone from Chicago is OK by me."

Monday, September 23, 2019

This makes sense. Both her brothers, Eric and Donald Jr., are boobs.

A couple - arrested for public drunkenness - tried to have sex in the back of the police car.

For the love of god, Khloe Kardashian, please seek help.

Antonio Brown has been fired from Nike and cut by the New England Patriots.

Things are so bad for Brown, Kendall Jenner is not returning his calls.

OJ Simpson posted a video on Twitter giving Antonio Brown legal advice.

That's like Roman Polanski giving Kevin Spacey babysitting advice.

When the Emmy audience laughed at Kendall Jenner and Kim Kardashian for praising shows with real people, Kendall looked furious, but Kim looked happy. 

Or sad. Or confused. Or angry. With all the face lifts, we can't tell.

Swedish environmentalist and trans-Atlantic sailor, Greta Thunberg, 16, was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

At 16, Donald Trump was still wetting his bed at military school.

Porn star "Bridget the Midget" was arrested for stabbing her boyfriend. 

She was charged with assault with a deadly weapon and attempting an illegal vasectomy.

Antonio Brown was cut by the New England Patriots.

Brown claims he quit to spend more time with the voices in his head.

I'm going to open a restaurant in L.A. where people on gluten-free diets pay to watch people eat bread and pasta. 

It will be called (wait for it) Gluttons For Gluten.

While once in the midst of a pennant race, the Chicago Cubs have lost five games in a row.

Cubs fans are more frustrated than Kendall Jenner when told she would have to read something at the Emmys.

Since you asked:
A few months ago, due to a publicized event involving this blog, I received a drubbing from Twitter trolls who were fans of a certain show that was also involved.

Most of the insults were written by people with zero followers and most included obscenities,  misspellings and horrible grammar mistakes and so I could easily dismiss them as written by morons.

But some of the more hurtful insults - that were actually well-written - were directed at my many typos and grammar mistakes on this blog and my Twitter account.

This reminded me of my run-in with the most and nastiest pedantic person I have ever met.

When I started college, a friend recommended a creative writing class. Sure enough, the teacher was a wonderful hippy and a funny guy. We hit it off big time. He loved my writing and I got an A.

So I took another creative writing class, this time taught by none other than the head of the UCSB English Department. Nervous about doing well, I had my genius roommate proofread my papers. With his editing skills and my humor, again, I got an A. 

(Having the head of a top college’s English Department pouring compliments on your writing is quite a heady feeling)

So I took another creative writing class. The third time was not the charm.

The teacher looked, as the English say, dodgy at best. Scruffy to the point of being a slob, he also seemed like a pervert as he took time from each class to tout his love of pornography and his frustration as to why it was banned. (This was 1978)

So I might not have put the effort I should have in my first paper and he gave it a C- citing the sloppy writing and typos. While harsh, he had a point as I had a few typos and grammar mistakes.

So I took extra care to have my next submission proofread. But again, perv-the-teacher gave it a C-  again citing sloppy writing with typos and grammar mistakes even though there were none.

And a C- on my next paper and the next one. Both, again, citing sloppy writing and typos as the reason for the poor grade. 

Now it became clear to me he was not reading my papers. So, as a test, on my next paper I inserted a long passage from the Gettysburg Address. If he caught it, I would declare it a joke.

The grade was another C- minus again pointing out sloppy writing. But, oddly, no mention of plagiarizing Abraham Lincoln.

So, paper in hand, I went to see my old pal, the head of the English Department. The UCSB English Department head was a kind, genteel and professorial man. When I told him what happened, he sighed and said, "We have had a few complaints before." 

My pervert teacher was called in for a meeting. When the head of the department asked him if he had read my paper, he was indignant and insisted he had. When then asked if he had noticed anything unusual about my paper, he said no citing, once again, “Just the usual sloppy writing.”

When the head of the English Department pointed out the passage from the Gettysburg Address, the perverted writing teacher became openly flummoxed. And then angry. 


The pervert was ordered to give me an incomplete - which later turned into an A - and at the end of the quarter, he was fired. 

Pedantic people are not my favorite. 

One of the writers I greatly admire on “Late Night with Seth Meyers,” - whom I will not name for fear of criticizing a writer who is far better than me - began to get more and more on-air segments. And deservedly so, she is both brilliant and hilarious. 

Suddenly, her confidence that I so admired, began to change into something closer to cockiness or even possibly - dare I say it? - arrogance. Her segments on topical event began to smack more of an editorial feel with her opinion taking center stage over jokes.

Maybe I am being too hard on her because I am such a fan, I thought. 

Then it happened. 

During one monologue, she became angry and criticized the audience for interrupting her with their applause. At that split second, she lost the crowd. 

Well, she has now been awarded her own show and it will be interesting to see how this growing ego pans out. 

So about two years ago, I was walking Wally when a guy had two scary-looking dogs - that rhyme with bit fulls - off the leash. As nicely as I could, I asked him to put them on a leash before I passed by. (Signs were everywhere saying dogs should be on a leash)

He was clearly not happy about this. After I had walked past him, he grew more agitated, pulled out his cell phone, and yelled, 

"I bet you're a f*cking Hillary Clinton lover. Are you a goddamn fag*ot Hillary lover?"

And then he began filming me for my reaction.

So of course knowing he wanted to film my angry reaction and post it on Twitter, I naturally responded with,

"For the last time, I do not want to buy your crystal meth. Go sell your meth someplace else."