Tuesday, July 23, 2019

Turns out the viral Facebook post of Tennessee meth alligators was just a joke.

They're actually crack alligators.

Boris Johnson is the next Prime Minister of the UK.

Upon hearing this, Eric Trump asked, "Does this mean he outranks Bram the Broken?"

Bella Thorne announced she is not bi-sexual, but pansexual which includes sex with all categories. 

At this point, I would like to announce I am bansexual. Which means, as an older, straight male divorcee, I am banned from having sex with anyone.

Ivanka Trump tweeted a congratulations to Boris Johnson as the new Prime Minister of the United Kingston.

Apparently Britain now also rules over Jamaica.

For those not familiar with Boris Johnson, just think of him as the unholy clone of Donald Trump and Gary Busey. And then say a prayer for the people of Great Britain.

Donald Trump said Boris Johnson will be great as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. 

Trump added, "And who knows? He could even go on to become Prime Minister of England and Great Britain."

The cast of "Once Upon a Time In Hollywood" crashed "Jimmy Kimmell Live."

There was one awkward moment when 20 audience members had to be thrown out for making eye-contact with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Bella Thorne announced she is pansexual, not bi-sexual. Pansexual includes being attracted to all sexualities including trans and non-binary, or genderqueer.

And that is this week's story my Aunt Dotty will not understand.

Critics are slamming the season finale of "Big Little Lies."

Especially when the dragon carried off the body of Meryl Streep.

Bella Thorne revealed she is pansexual. Wow, and I thought I liked to cook.

"Hollywood Reporter" claims - on the set of "Once Upon a Time In Hollywood" -  the crew were not allowed to make eye-contact with Leonardo DiCaprio. 

That sounds on-brand for a guy who emotionally preaches against global warming but takes his helicopter to his yacht.

Unless they happen to be a super model. Super models are still allowed to make eye-contact with Leonardo. 

Boris Johnson was elected Prime Minister of the UK. 

In addition, he will also play the female Thor in the UK version of "Thor."

Donald Trump crashed a MAGA-themed wedding at his resort in New Jersey. 

The MAGA-themed wedding will be followed by a Trump-themed divorce.

Since you asked:

Nothing sums up the Laurel Canyon rock star late '70's hypocrisy like David Crosby's hippy Volkswagen van with the Porsche engine in it.

The worst offenders were my once-beloved Eagles. 

While singing about "Peaceful, Easy Feeling," Glenn Frey and Don Henley were flying in high quality, expensive wine, hookers and blow on their Leer jet to get the poor guys through a night in Topeka, Kansas.

The self-righteous whining of lines like "We thought we could change this world with words like love and kindness" in "The Sad Cafe" rang particularly hollow when Frey and Henley were buying estates in Maui. 

Their earnest hypocrisy of being in music for the sheer love of it while greedily getting as rich as possible was mocked by their own band mate, Joe Walsh, in "Life's Been Good To Me So Far."

Henley and Frey were way too self-absorbed to get the joke. 

Poor Don Henley. Striking back by attacking the press in "Yellow Journalism" because they had the audacity to report about Don being busted with a 16-year-old cocaine-overdosed hooker at his party who nearly died. How dare they? 

When I saw Glenn Frey - RIP - at a celebrity golf event in Palm Desert, it was instantly clear that he was nothing like the approachable, down-to-earth guy he presented to the press. He clearly saw himself as an American version of one of the Beatles. As talented and successful as Frey was, he was nowhere near one of the Beatles.

Frey's golf game, for example, was as mediocre as anyone I have ever seen, especially given how much he played. But it was obvious by his body language - and the tantrums he threw when he flubbed a shot - he thought he was Tiger Woods.

Something tells me Frey approached his guitar playing and singing abilities with the same amount of exageration. 

The people who I have met who have had rather unpleasant working relationships with the Eagles - a hotel and casino manager, a recording engineer and a studio owner - all said the same thing about Frey and Henley: they simply had too much success too soon. 

They were grown up spoiled brats who had no idea what most people have to do to make a living. Don Henley once modestly compared himself to being similar to his fans except that maybe he and the band were more worldly-wise. Worldly wise? 

When the Eagles traveled, their manager, Irving Azoff, saw to it all they had to do was to get inside a limo and play the show. They did not deal with money, tickets, hotel suites, food, drink, appointments or even their own clothes. Henley has probably never carried a suitcase in his life.

Just by hanging out with, writing songs and being friends with the Eagles, J.D. Souther - who had far more talent than he had commercial success - was reportedly an insufferable prima donna. 

Because I loved J.D.'s "Faithless Love" so much, a friend got us tickets for us to see J.D. play in a modest 100 seat club in San Diego around 1988. Souther's star, never Jackson Browne or even Randy Newman-like, was clearly on the descent. The poster promoting Souther's show honestly mistakenly described him as "A one-time member of the Eagles." Souther was so indignant, he refused to go on stage until the club owner apologized to him on stage in front of everyone.

What a tool. And Souther was not much nicer to us, the crowd, than he was to that club owner. As talented as he is, the vibe of that show was so bad, I could not wait to get out of there.

Henley and Frey once complained to "Rolling Stone" magazine that their jobs, being rock stars, was 24-hours long. Henley actually said  that day he had to get a tape recorder fixed, a luxury car tuned up, his estate cleaned by a maid and when he was done with all of that, the poor guy's day was all but gone. 

Waking up at noon also probably played a part. Worldy wise. Boo freaking hoo. 

When they were at their creative best, Henley and Frey felt underpaid and under appreciated - particularly by women as represented by "Already Gone," "Witchy Woman" and "Lyin' Eyes." But once they were flying in $2,000 a-night hookers and private chefs on their private jets, how could they still complain about their life with a straight face? 

But they did. 

Just realized this is almost exactly how the high school football coach - who made me run the 40 on a sore hamstring until it popped - looked like in his polyester football coaching shorts. Including the mustache. Not making judgements, just pointing out the truth. (His nickname rhymed with lick)