Saturday, November 10, 2018

The Rolling Stones Feat Lisa Fischer - Gimme Shelter

One of the trainers who worked at his farm, The Meadow, described Secretariat - whose name was really Big Red, Secretariat was just his race name - like this:

“Just imagine the greatest athlete in the world. The greatest. Now make him six-foot-three, the perfect height. Make him real intelligent and kind. And on top of that, make him the best-lookin’ guy ever to come down the pike. He was all those things as a horse. He isn’t even a horse anymore. He’s a legend.” 

The rumors of Secretariat’s failings as a stud were viciously wrong. He was nearly as successful at breeding as he was on the track. He made a fortune for his owners. But it wasn’t anything about the money that made all who knew him inconsolable when he died. 

They loved Big Red as much as anyone can love anyone else.

Secretariat wasn’t just the greatest race horse ever. He was the greatest athlete ever. Period.

Friday, November 09, 2018

In the Panther's 52-21 loss to the Steelers, Carolina's Kyle Love fell asleep on the sideline. Love will be fined $5,000 and charged with impersonating a Cleveland Brown.

What did Love think it was, a baseball game? 

“Don’t wake him up. He’s the only son-of-a-bitch around here who knows what he is doing.” Gen. George S. Patton. 

Last week, a woman in Australia gave birth to a twelve and a half pound baby boy with no painkillers. And apparently she named the baby Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Donald Trump Jr. is telling his friends he is afraid he will be indicted by Mueller soon. That is shocking. Don Jr. has friends?

Thursday, November 08, 2018

That is a Whip-Jinny and a Hay Nah Nanny and a Who Cha Cha, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers 

Who the hell is this Sarah Huckabee Sanders Starter Kit yanking the mic from Jim Acosta? 


Pete Davidson is in trouble after joke compared wounded Navy Seal, Ben Crenshaw, to a hitman in a porn movie.

What kind of porn is Davidson watching that features hit men with eyepatches? "Butt-Pirates of the Caribbean"?

Donald Trump continues to gloat despite suffering an ignominious defeat in the House. Trump is like that guy who brags about getting laid after he hired a hooker.

Tiny Jeff Sessions may be replaced at Atty. Gen. by not-so-tiny Chris Christie. 

This could be the biggest weight change in politics since 350-pound President William Howard Taft got stuck in his bathtub.

23 of the 30 candidates Donald Trump endorsed lost. Donald Trump just threw a Hail Mary interception and is now bragging to his teammates how they don't have to punt.

Since you asked:

Thousand Oaks used to be part of my sales territory in 1982 when I graduated from college and sold business computers. 

Thousand Oaks is to the South of Santa Barbara over the giant mountain pass from Oxnard and, in the summer, it is hot. When I started working there, there was a new wealthy area around Westlake Village. Besides that there were a lot of middle-class tract homes.

There is also a huge civic center and municipal center on top of the hill to the east of the 101.  

But over the hill into the valley there were tranquil farmlands that looked like something out of the turn of the century in Colorado. Rolling green hills, red barns and weeping willows.

The movie history is rich. “Robin Hood” with Errol Flynn was filmed there. “MASH” and also “The Postman Always Rings Twice” among many others. “Robin Hood” is why the swanky country club is named Sherwood Country Club. Its members and surrounding mansion owners include Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan and Mel Gibson.

The swanky wedding scene in "Bridesmaids" was filmed at the Sherwood Country Club. 

Westerns filmed there include "Bonanza," "The Big Valley" and "Gunsmoke." Movies include "Spartacus," "Thelma and Louise" and "It Happened One Night." And "Dukes of Hazard."  

"Lassie Come Home" was filmed there, for the love of god.

The Dallas Cowboys trained there before the season at Cal Lutheran College. Here is a great trivia fact of Thousand Oaks: It was a country music enclave in the early Seventies that included Delany and Bonnie Bramlett when Eric Clapton lived with them.

Thousand Oaks is just North of Calabasas where the Kardashian McMansions are.  

There is a real hippy/ cowboy element because of the ranches to the East. It was sort of Topanga Canyon South - Topanga Canyon is where many rock stars bought their first ranches, including the Neils, Young and Diamond. Thousand Oaks was cheaper than Topanga Canyon. Which in the Seventies was still pretty cheap. 

Beautiful hippy actress Shailene Woodley grew up there and, in my mind, looks just like most of the hippy/cowboy/suburban young women who live there. 

My point is Thousand Oaks is one of the last places on earth I would pick for something as grotesque as a mass shooting. The closest thing to crime is a soccer mom screaming at a ref. A BMW cutting you off to take your parking spot. 

So if you’re still laboring under the misconception you and your loved ones are safe from a mass shooting due to the fact you don’t live in gun-happy Southern and Southwestern state, you’re kidding yourself. 

Dah Alleged Perpetrators 

One of the great sources of unintended comedy in my youth - in the late Sixties in Chicago - was when the local news crew would interview a Chicago policeman at the scene of a crime.

This was a few years before these interviews got so embarrassing for police brass that they came up with the idea of hiring spokespeople. Before that, they just interviewed the cops on the scene.

The demographic for Chicago policeman circa 1968 focused on tough guys from the neighborhoods. Most were Irish and Polish with a few Italians tossed in. Education was not a priority. 

Chicago police were world-renowned for their toughness. Their eloquentness? Not so much. Like I mentioned, they were famous for being neighborhood tough guys who were so tough the other neighborhood tough guys were scared of them. A degree in public speaking was not a requirement.

On camera, the cops would freeze like a deer in the headlights in abject stage freight trying to come up with as many polysyllabic, official and legal sounding police terms as they could fit in. Often making up words on the spot. All with a double-thick "Dah Bearssss" Chicago accent.  

The word alleged and variations of the word perpetrator were used ad nausea. 

In a trembling but loud monotone, they would usually start with a long, “Uhhhhhhhhhhh,” and then launch into their summary:

“Uhhhhhhhh, upon dah said arrival at dah said alleged crime scene, it was pontificated by obsertifying officers, in 'dis case being myself, officer Bukowlich and my partner, officer Kawalsky, said unknownst alleged perperatrators had partaken to bust into said domicile. Assumahbably,  uh, I mean allegedly for the intention of alleged confiscating of said stereo system and said television device box.”

Taking a moment to wipe the flop sweat from his brow and drawing a deep breath to try and summon the energy to continue, officer Bukowlich would push on,

“Upon immediate circumvention of dah said occurrences, we concluded the alleged perpatrators who had alleged perpetrated this perpatruacity then fled dah aforementioned alleged busted-in domicile location with decided haste. Uhhhhh, said TV and said stereo in 'dah perpetrator's possessioness thereof. Allegedly.”

When they were finished, they could not contain their relief and sense of overwhelming pride at having conducted themselves in such an impressive and loquacious manner.

A few of us got pretty good at imitating these hilarious interviews on the Crow Island Elementary school playground, namely Howie Detmer, Bill Schultz, Rob Crowe, Steve Lewis and Jeff Lipe.