Friday, August 17, 2018

ESPN will not show the National Anthem on "Monday Night Football" because they don't want to upset anyone. And yet they're still going to show the Cleveland Browns?

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

If this is an emergency, please hang up and dial 911, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Stephen Miller’s uncle called Stephen an immigrant hypocrite in an editorial piece. Things will be ugly at the Miller’s for Thanksgiving;

“We thank that the pilgrims came to America and that Stephen the hypocrite was not around to lock them up.”

Four women are suing Nike for creating a toxic environment for women. Nike had no comment and announced their latest shoe, the Air Cosby.

Donald Trump tweeted that Omarosa was a dog. If Donald Trump hates dogs so much, why does he have a schnauzer on top of his head?

Donald Trump tweeted that Omarosa was a dog. Even guys as white as Mike Pence were like, “Oh, snap, I know he did not call a sister a dog.” 

Omarosa’s book, “Unhinged” offered insights. Did you know that her name, Omarosa, is a Gaelic word that means, “Honorary Kardashian”? 

In Paris, people are furious over the installation of public urinals. You might even say they’re pissed.

Tiger Woods finished second at the PGA Championship and his back appears to be better. Tiger learned  his lesson. When picking up Waffle House waitresses, always bend your knees.

Donald Trump tweeted that he gave Omarosa a job because she said great things about him. In a related story, Donald Trump is a genius if he names me Secretary of Comedy Writers.

Since you asked:

Was in unabashed, unabated and unabiding computer hell yesterday. 

This is the kind of mind-losing hell that is akin to losing your keys and your wallet. Combine the flop sweat of frustration with the real sweat of a hot day and it is close to a living hell as a non-physical problem can get. 

Had to log on and log off well over one thousand times. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result? Try multiplying that times one thousand.

One of the many worst parts is that you mind plays tricks with your mind. You think, “Well, shoot, my computer is down. Guess I will just go check my emails. Oh, yeah. No.”

Combine that with “I will just Google it, let me just check Twitter real quick, I want to see if I have a response on Facebook, I will just post these jokes on my blog. Check the news feed. Maybe a quick game of Words with Friends.”

And then it spills over into unrelated things. You think to turn on the TV but then second guess if that is working. One time my WiFi was down too. (Knock on wood) That took out my computer, my TV and my land-line phone. And it happened in the middle of a call with Jay Leno. 

Computer problems also harken back bad memories of right after college when I was selling - if you can call what little I did selling - $45,000 word processors for CPT. Would hand type out a program so that it would automatically print out a form for a client. It would take two to three hours of mind-boggling typing and repeating the typing so that it fit a form. 

And then, after getting it perfect, one accidental key stroke would wipe it out.

The bright side is computer hell makes you appreciate a working computer so much more.  

The Paris urinals jokes remind me that the days of me making jokes about the French WWII surrendering are over. 

After I saw the documentary of the November 2015 terrorist attacks on Paris, the courage, kindness and love that the people of Paris showed was inspiring in light of the ultimate ugliness and horror of the sub-animal terrorists. (Animals do not murder and torture for religious-differences)

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.”  - TR

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” - FDR

“Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” - JFK

“Omarosa is a dog.” - DJT

There was a guy in high school, Dan Roberts, not his real name, whom everyone liked. Funny, smart, likable, down-to-earth. We knew his family did well - they had a big house near, not on, but near the lake in Winnetka - and a huge summer home at an exclusive Wisconsin club. 

As it turns out they were fabulously wealthy. One of the top donors to the Art Institute in Chicago along with the Chicago powerhouse families of Sears and Wrigley.

Dan Roberts was a good athlete and a smart guy, but he never really applied himself at sports or at school. He was a tad undersized for football. He was more socially motivated. Truth be told, he was on the sloppy and lazy side. 

One Sunday, I was invited to play touch football with Danny and his buddies. This was after a Saturday where I had scored four touchdowns for our high school football team as a Junior. Physically, I was taller, stronger and faster than Danny.

When a team scored, we would then mix up the team and start over to be fair. The only guy who never lost one game was Danny. He had trick plays on top of trick plays that nobody could stop. 

Having played on a championship flag football team in both New York and San Diego, I can assure you I have never seen a more brilliant flag/touch football strategist than Danny. 

Dan’s father had taken the family advertising business and sent it through the roof. His father was also a big-shot alum at Dartmouth. There was a Roberts dormitory - again, not their real name - at Dartmouth. 

So when it came to going to college, Dan was a lock to get into Dartmouth. Except for one snag. Since his grades were not the best, he had to ace the SAT test. It just so happened I was in the same classroom as Danny when he took the test. 

There were two two-hour sessions. Dan came into the first session one hour late. It took him 15 minutes to fill out a two hour test. He turned it in an left with almost an hour to go.

He did the same thing in the afternoon. It was blatant cheating on a scale so ballsy that I remember admiring his brass, but I was certain he would be caught. How could he not get caught? He spent a total of thirty minutes on a test that takes up to four hours. 

He was not caught, in fact, he aced the test and got right into Dartmouth. So, since cheaters never prosper, Dan flunked out of Dartmouth, right? 


Dan was just one of those guys who the normal rules do not apply. He breezed through Dartmouth, got a cushy job and his dad’s company and turned that into a multimillion, if not billion dollar consulting company. 

Dan is a big gambler and I knew he rented a beachfront estate in Del Mar during the racing season, but we never planned to get together. Although I did bump into him once at the track. He was friendly and funny as always. 

Part of me wanted to believe Donald Trump would be like Dan Roberts. From extreme wealth, spoiled, untested, lazy, but still a mover and shaker capable of getting the job done.  

Donald Trump is nothing, and I mean nothing like Danny Roberts. Danny is the first person I would pick for my touch football team. Donald Trump is the last.